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TherapistJen, LCSW, CPC
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 3490
Experience:  Licensed Clinical Social Worker
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my wife of 20 years and I are in a real rough patch. 3 years

Customer Question

my wife of 20 years and I are in a real rough patch. 3 years ago I foolishly cheated on her and a nuclear bomb has hit my family . Together we have 6 children 5 are ours together. After my affair, my wife has had several. we have been saparated now for over a year almost 2. My oldest daughter hates me for ruining our family and lives with her mother in a rental property thbat was left to my in a trust right after we split up. Since the break up my wife seems to go out of her way to defy anything i ever stood for. For example, my daughter's boyfriend just moved into the house and is staying in my girlfriends bed while my ex sleeps down stairs? Where does this fly on a parenting level? My daughter is 18, graduated from high school last year but chose to not go to college as of yet. My ex buys pot from my daughters boyfriend makes brownies with them smokes with them...Is it me or is there something really wrong here?
Submitted: 5 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  TherapistJen replied 5 years ago.
Yes something is wrong here. Bad decisions are being made and parental decisions have fallen by the wayside. I know you had the affair and she had several, but is there a way to remain separated but continue to co-parent effectively? I don't hear that your wife is willing to cooperate. Are there minors in the house when this behavior is going on? If so, you may need to enlist the help of an attorney to get custody of the minor children. I know one of them is 18, but I am not sure if the others are living there too and what the ages are.
Customer: replied 5 years ago.
I am sorry I thought I responded to this, please forgive my delay!

After 20 years one would think we could co-parent effectivly but there is very little communication between us that does not end in a fight. I do not mean to sound like a hypacrit but having my daughters boyfriend move into this house, sleeping in her bed just down the hall from the mother just seems too weird for Jerry springer. My daughter will turn 19 april 2. Am I just over reactiing? As for the pot smoking, i do not believe they smoke in front of the young kids but thte kids come home telling me about seeing the bong or smelling weed or seeing the plans in the closet. This si disturbing to say the least. When my son was 17 we used to randomly drug test him. I found a letter my daughter wrote last year at 17 where she was mad that my wife was smoking all her pot.
Expert:  TherapistJen replied 5 years ago.
This needs to be worked through. I know you are not together but you both need to get into some sort of parenting coaching or therpay to deal with these issues around the kids. It does not sound like a healthy environment and one that needs to be corrected. The other option is to have your child come live with you.
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Customer: replied 5 years ago.
I know you are expressing your opinion and not giving advice but I am aware that we need to work it out. I have all the kid here with me at the moment but this is all working on my noodle. I just want muy family back. I don't now what to do. she is wreacklessly doing what ever the heck she wants. To hang around your 18year old and her friends and party. they just seems wrong.

I have thought about getting CPS involved but scare me too...

thank fo ryour help
Expert:  TherapistJen replied 5 years ago.
I am glad the kids are with you. Your instincts are correct and very bad decisions are being made. I agree that you need to do what you need to do to protect your children and if that means them living with you then please move ahead with that.