Relationship

Have Relationship Questions? Ask a Counselor for Answers ASAP

Ask an Expert,
Get an Answer ASAP!

Relationship

Dear, answerer, I have rowed badly with my partner. We are

Customer Question
Dear, answerer, I have rowed badly...
Dear, answerer,

I have rowed badly with my partner. We are near to breaking up. I have hurt her and let her down. (not any kind of affair or infidelity). I threatened to leave her which I have done before. We are not sleeping together. My moods swing uncontrollably between remorse and anger. I am at the end of my tether, yet I instinctively feel that I want to make it up.

We are both divorced. I am 55 with grown up children, living independently. My partner is 50, has a daughter at university and a son of 17 who lives with us. Part of the problem is that I am jealous of the attention he gets. My partner is rather fastidious, exceptionally attentive to her job, quite the perfectionist, but much less of a workaholic than she once was. All the same, I feel the need for more of her time and more physical contact than she seems willing to give. I find myself supporting her when she gets stressed at work, or with her son, but it is at these times that she becomes more distant and less interested in sex, and this is a real problem. It is when things are most difficult that I seek the comfort of the physical side of the relationship. This has created a rising element of tension in our relationship over the past months and we are both very unhappy about it.

She says, very reasonably in my view, that she wants stability and support, even when things are tough, and that if I cannot promise to do that and really do so, we will have to split up. I feel increasingly secondary in her list of priorities, and I want her visible and physical affection, even when things are bad, as part of the continuing relationship. She reacts to external stress by building a wall, I want to smash that wall down, which just makes her reinforce it...and explosion! We've had about a dozen pretty bad rows over this, but now things are worse than ever.


How do I/we go about understanding the situation and creating a permanent solution?

Bill
Submitted: 5 years ago.Category: Relationship
Show More
Show Less
Ask Your Own Relationship Question
Answered in 56 minutes by:
2/5/2012
Counselor: Ask Ashley, Relationship Enthusiast replied 5 years ago
Ask Ashley
Ask Ashley, Relationship Enthusiast
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 18
Experience: Having built my reputation in this area of expertise, I have conducted workshops on relationships. Let's discuss your issues.
Verified

Ask Ashley :

Hello, Asker. Thank you for choosing JustAnswer.

I am very sorry you are going through a difficult time in your life.

The first thing I noticed is your threatening to leave the relationship. I think you have realized that in retrospect that this is an ineffective tactic to fix problems in your relationship.

Just reading how you have described your situation, it is clear to me that you and your partner need to communicate openly and honestly how both of you can benefit from whatever solution you work out. An effective exercise to do this would be taking a block of uninterrupted time everyday, and expressing to your partner what she does in your relationship that you are pleased with, as well as what she does in your relationship that you feel she needs to improve upon. Then, you switch and listen to her feedback. By making steady progress to resolving your issues, you will find things turning up.

I would also recommend the mediation of a marriage counselor to allow you to fully realize each other's needs.

Good luck, and please do not hesitate to e-mail me [email protected] I'd be interested to know how things work out for you. Take care.

 

40944.5867037384
Ask Your Own Relationship Question
Ask Ask Ashley Your Own Question
Ask Ashley
Ask Ashley
Ask Ashley, Relationship Enthusiast
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 18
18 Satisfied Customers
Experience: Having built my reputation in this area of expertise, I have conducted workshops on relationships. Let's discuss your issues.

Ask Ashley is online now

A new question is answered every 9 seconds

How JustAnswer works:

  • Ask an ExpertExperts are full of valuable knowledge and are ready to help with any question. Credentials confirmed by a Fortune 500 verification firm.
  • Get a Professional AnswerVia email, text message, or notification as you wait on our site. Ask follow up questions if you need to.
  • 100% Satisfaction GuaranteeRate the answer you receive.

JustAnswer in the News:

Ask-a-doc Web sites: If you've got a quick question, you can try to get an answer from sites that say they have various specialists on hand to give quick answers... Justanswer.com.
JustAnswer.com...has seen a spike since October in legal questions from readers about layoffs, unemployment and severance.
Web sites like justanswer.com/legal
...leave nothing to chance.
Traffic on JustAnswer rose 14 percent...and had nearly 400,000 page views in 30 days...inquiries related to stress, high blood pressure, drinking and heart pain jumped 33 percent.
Tory Johnson, GMA Workplace Contributor, discusses work-from-home jobs, such as JustAnswer in which verified Experts answer people’s questions.
I will tell you that...the things you have to go through to be an Expert are quite rigorous.

What Customers are Saying:

Wonderful service, prompt, efficient, and accurate. Couldn't have asked for more. I cannot thank you enough for your help.

Mary C.Freshfield, Liverpool, UK

This expert is wonderful. They truly know what they are talking about, and they actually care about you. They really helped put my nerves at ease. Thank you so much!!!!

AlexLos Angeles, CA

Thank you for all your help. It is nice to know that this service is here for people like myself, who need answers fast and are not sure who to consult.

GPHesperia, CA

I couldn't be more satisfied! This is the site I will always come to when I need a second opinion.

JustinKernersville, NC

Just let me say that this encounter has been entirely professional and most helpful. I liked that I could ask additional questions and get answered in a very short turn around.

EstherWoodstock, NY

Thank you so much for taking your time and knowledge to support my concerns. Not only did you answer my questions, you even took it a step further with replying with more pertinent information I needed to know.

RobinElkton, Maryland

He answered my question promptly and gave me accurate, detailed information. If all of your experts are half as good, you have a great thing going here.

DianeDallas, TX

< Previous | Next >

Meet the Experts:

TherapistMaryAnn

TherapistMaryAnn

Counselor

1,706 satisfied customers

Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues

Ms Chase

Ms Chase

Life Coach

853 satisfied customers

Over 20 yrs experience with Relationships, Sexuality, Friendship, and Family Issues

Alicia_MSW

Alicia_MSW

Psychotherapist

468 satisfied customers

Specializing in relationship/family counseling

Dr. Norman Brown

Dr. Norman Brown

Marriage Therapist

426 satisfied customers

Family Therapist & teacher 35+ yrs; PhD research in couples

Dr. L

Dr. L

Psychologist

366 satisfied customers

Licensed as a Psychologist and Marriage & Family Therapist.

Suzanne

Suzanne

Therapist, LCSW

338 satisfied customers

Experienced in treating trauma, relationship issues, co-dependency

DrJackiePhD

DrJackiePhD

Doctor

336 satisfied customers

I have been doing research in relational/interpersonal communication since 1998. My Ph.D. is in interpersonal communication.

< Previous | Next >

Related Relationship Questions
I have been with my girlfriend for 7 years now, shes 27 and
HelloI have been with my girlfriend for 7 years now, shes 27 and i am 34, and shes ready for marriage. She actually has been wanting it for many years, and she actually fights with me about it from ti… read more
JohnMichaels,MS,LPC
JohnMichaels,MS,LPC
Counselor
Master\u0027s Degree
168 satisfied customers
I have been seeing a guy for 5 months - always casually - he
I have been seeing a guy for 5 months - always casually - he has been clear he is none exclusive - initally we both dated others , after he went away for 3 weeks we focussed on each other but now i am… read more
JohnMichaels,MS,LPC
JohnMichaels,MS,LPC
Counselor
Master\u0027s Degree
168 satisfied customers
Hope all is well. I want to share with you that ... The guy
Hi Jen , Hope all is well. I want to share with you that ... The guy who I have declined a date with wrote me back two weeks later and asked me why I declined his offer to go to dinner. He was my boyf… read more
TherapistJen
TherapistJen
Licensed Clinical Social Worker
Master\u0027s Degree
951 satisfied customers
Im so confused.. I snooped on my boyfriends of 12 years and
Im so confused.. I snooped on my boyfriends of 12 years and couldnt stop... I Feel like fool now.. He moved out of his apartment and im still here.. He asked to move out two weeks ago.. I have yet to … read more
JohnMichaels,MS,LPC
JohnMichaels,MS,LPC
Counselor
Master\u0027s Degree
168 satisfied customers
My daughter acused me of hurting her she is 20 and told my
My daughter acused me of hurting her she is 20 and told my wife and she kicked me out. The oldest daughter proved that the younger was lieing but my wife won't talk to me or answer texts she said she … read more
JohnMichaels,MS,LPC
JohnMichaels,MS,LPC
Counselor
Master\u0027s Degree
168 satisfied customers
My husband, who has been semi-retired for 1 year, has again
my husband, who has been semi-retired for 1 year, has again become obsessed with tracking down a former fiancee who ended the relationship in 1967. He had a previous 'episode' 16 years ago, a a time o… read more
Angela
Angela
Counselor
490 satisfied customers
I would like to see if my ex boyfriend still loves me. I
I would like to see if my ex boyfriend still loves me. I know that we still care for each other, but he says that he wants to be friends and that too much trust has been damaged in the relationship lo… read more
JohnMichaels,MS,LPC
JohnMichaels,MS,LPC
Counselor
Master\u0027s Degree
168 satisfied customers
My ex and I of 2 years broke up on Sept 6th if this year. A
my ex and I of 2 years broke up on Sept 6th if this year. A week later she was dating someone new. Her and I were still having sex until the end of Oct. So she was cheating on him weekly with me. Now … read more
Rosemary S.
Rosemary S.
Master\u0027s Degree
7 satisfied customers
My boyfriend has been a compulsive liar almost the entire
My boyfriend has been a compulsive liar almost the entire relationship. Me finding texts to other women, catching him in ringing women, you name it. We now have a child together. My sexual urges are c… read more
S. August Abbott
S. August Abbott
Etiquette consultant
Doctoral Degree
260 satisfied customers
Can I email my fiancee's boss to stop giving my fiancée
Can I email my fiancee's boss to stop giving my fiancée personal advice about our relationship if it's hurting our relationship?… read more
TherapistMaryAnn
TherapistMaryAnn
Counselor
Master's Degree
1,706 satisfied customers
I was wondering after I gave advice and my attitude, heart
I was wondering after I gave advice and my attitude, heart and soul, poured into this how do I go about getting another present that as good as you… read more
Rosemary S.
Rosemary S.
Master\u0027s Degree
7 satisfied customers
My question is about drinking. When my fiancé and I met I
Hi. My question is about drinking. When my fiancé and I met I enjoyed a drink at the end of the day to relax. That hasn't changed as I still enjoy a drink after work. … read more
JohnMichaels,MS,LPC
JohnMichaels,MS,LPC
Counselor
Master\u0027s Degree
168 satisfied customers
The man I a dating says he wants to take a time out. He does
The man I a dating says he wants to take a time out. He does feel an emotional bond He says he does not know if is me or he might have Asperger S. He has After 6 months he has never sais he likes me N… read more
JohnMichaels,MS,LPC
JohnMichaels,MS,LPC
Counselor
Master\u0027s Degree
168 satisfied customers
Thank you for your response about my relationship. I do
Thank you John for your response about my relationship. I do understand what you are saying and I have decided to give him space. He told me yesterday that he thinks he needs some space because he isn… read more
JohnMichaels,MS,LPC
JohnMichaels,MS,LPC
Counselor
Master\u0027s Degree
168 satisfied customers
My boyfriend kicked me out of the apartment because he found
Hi, my boyfriend kicked me out of the apartment because he found out that I was meeting with a guy friend of mine to talk. I didn't tell him I was meeting up with him and he found out because he track… read more
JohnMichaels,MS,LPC
JohnMichaels,MS,LPC
Counselor
Master\u0027s Degree
168 satisfied customers
Was speaking to this guy on Facebook and Snapchat and I
Hey I was speaking to this guy on Facebook and Snapchat and I stupidly deleted him because I was going through a lot and took it out on him but I added him back and he hasn't deleted me again I have s… read more
Rosemary S.
Rosemary S.
Master\u0027s Degree
7 satisfied customers
Ongoing relationships with a man who really doesn't care
Hello, ongoing relationships with a man who really doesn't care about me, even though he thinks he does!! … read more
TherapistJen
TherapistJen
Licensed Clinical Social Worker
Master\u0027s Degree
951 satisfied customers
I'm having a real issue. I just ended my engagement at the
I just ended my engagement at the end of July and moved away. When I ended the engagement I was on anti-depressants. We remained friends and then one day he said he didn't want to talk anymore and didn't want to text and didn't want to see each other anymore. It threw me for a loop but I was okay with it. I am coming off of Paxil and starting something new. And now it feels as if I'm having feelings I didn't know I had. I wonder if I made the wrong decision. And now he won't answer my calls my texts nothing. I've known him since 7th grad and we got engaged at 35 to each other. Our relationship was very passionate. The highs were so high and the lows so low. I miss him. It's my birthday today and the first one I have spent without him and he won't answer my calls or emails. I know this sounds like a stalker but we were engaged for god's sake. I'm not just some one night stand. And now I'm thinking because I was on an antidepressant I made the worst decision of my life. I am highly emotional right now and so very depressed … read more
JohnMichaels,MS,LPC
JohnMichaels,MS,LPC
Counselor
Master\u0027s Degree
168 satisfied customers
Disclaimer: Information in questions, answers, and other posts on this site ("Posts") comes from individual users, not JustAnswer; JustAnswer is not responsible for Posts. Posts are for general information, are not intended to substitute for informed professional advice (medical, legal, veterinary, financial, etc.), or to establish a professional-client relationship. The site and services are provided "as is" with no warranty or representations by JustAnswer regarding the qualifications of Experts. To see what credentials have been verified by a third-party service, please click on the "Verified" symbol in some Experts' profiles. JustAnswer is not intended or designed for EMERGENCY questions which should be directed immediately by telephone or in-person to qualified professionals.

Disclaimer: Information in questions, answers, and other posts on this site ("Posts") comes from individual users, not JustAnswer; JustAnswer is not responsible for Posts. Posts are for general information, are not intended to substitute for informed professional advice (medical, legal, veterinary, financial, etc.), or to establish a professional-client relationship. The site and services are provided "as is" with no warranty or representations by JustAnswer regarding the qualifications of Experts. To see what credentials have been verified by a third-party service, please click on the "Verified" symbol in some Experts' profiles. JustAnswer is not intended or designed for EMERGENCY questions which should be directed immediately by telephone or in-person to qualified professionals.

Show MoreShow Less

Ask Your Question

x