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Dr. Paige
Dr. Paige, Psychologist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1427
Experience:  Ph.D. Licensed Psychologist
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Dear Counselor, I had a 3-year relationship with my boyfriend,

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Dear Counselor,
I had a 3-year relationship with my boyfriend, Rafeal, since G10. We went to the same university in 2010 and we lived together from August 15, 2010 to April 2011. We found I got pregnant on March 23, 2011 which is our 3rd anniversary. I had an abortion on April 15, 2011 and went back to HK from Canada for a 4-month break. We lived in 2 separately cities and we basically kept in touch through phone calls. He was busy having fun with his friends so he wasn't with me when i was in medical examination, nor did he listen to me and comfort me when i was undergoing emotional struggles. He said he would be with me when we get back to Canada (September 1st). So I waited. However, on August 20th midnight he suddenly shouted "break up" and that was it. No contact at all for the last 10 days of the break. Meanwhile he had a new girlfriend. I knew he hugged her and held her August 20 evening. So basically they were having an affair when he was still with me? Anyways, we took the same flight back to Canada on September 1st. He was still with that girl when we got back to Canada; however he still spoke to me and treated me the same way as he used to. and we still had sex. He and that girl lost contact at around mid october and by that time he still treated me as he used to. he was applying to transfer to another university and he left on december 23rd, 2011. the night before his flight, we had sex (and we hadn't have sex for 2 months). he held me in arms over night. when we were on our way to the airport he held my hands. when we were at the airport he said to me he would keep in touch with me. when i said to him "you shouldnt think of someone else when you have a girlfriend" he responded me "you are my girlfriend." he hugged me and kissed me on lips before he aboard (and he never did so in public). but he didn't contact me at all when he arrived there. later i found i got pregnant. i tried to get in touch with him but he didn't reply. his parents know all of these and they flew to his place in mid-january. on january 26th, he called me and said he wished i could abort it. he said if i really wanted to keep it then we get married now; if not then get engaged. i got a miscarry the next day and he and his parents came over. now its like we are back together; he keeps saying "we will get married in the future". he sounds so sure about future but when i asked me "are we now back together" he didn't answer me directly. Im not sure if he really loves me or he is forced by his parents about marriage?
Submitted: 5 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Dr. Paige replied 5 years ago.
Hello. it sounds like he has been sending mixed signals to you from the very beginning. He may be taking advantage of your long time friendship and the fact that you are there whenever he wants you to be. You are going to have to sit down and have a serious conversation with him about all of this. Ask him everything that you need to know. He needs to be able to communicate with you about his feelings. You need to tell him that it's all or nothing and he either needs to commit to you 100% or move on. You probably also need to think about using protection when you are having sex if you don't want to have a baby right now, which you shouldn't unless you are for sure that is what you want. If he just was going to marry you because you were pregnant, that is not a healthy enough reason to do that. he says you will get married in the future, but it seems like he is doing whatever he wants to right now. he doesn't communicate with you when he goes away for a time?? A boyfriend should want to be in contact ALL the time. You should both miss each other dearly and NEED to be together and want to spend all of your time together. He doesn't sound like he is interested in that. I would be concerned about that. You need to be with a man who loves you, respects you, communicates with you and wants to be with you all of the time. I don't think that he really loves you if he doesn't respond to you trying to get in touch with him or doesn't talk to you while he is away.
Customer: replied 5 years ago.
i texted him "i need you right now, are you available?" last night. and he called back. i asked him 2 questions 1) "do you want to get back to the relationship?" & 2) "do you love me?". for the 1st question, he said he doesn't want to talk about that right now and we should both focus on studies. he said its something in the future. I said to him i don't want to hear you saying future and asked "do you want to get back now". he then emphasized on "now" - he asked "now?!!" for the 2nd question, he answered "i will in the future." he ended up saying "yes you are now my fiancee" "yes i love you". but he told me not to tell friends. I know he is now living with a friend who always dislikes me and rumour around (Rafeal doesn't share everything with this friend either). im so not confident in this "relationship" and there's been questions going around in my head. we were in a relationship for 3+ years, we broke up, he got someone else, yet we lived with each other as we used to be, they broke up, he left, and now "get back together". would this kind of marriage (if happened) last long? can you marry someone you don't love? i don't think so. but he keeps saying "marriage." would he say so if he has no feelings? he also says we can build our love and feelings in the future. is that possible?
Expert:  Dr. Paige replied 5 years ago.
If you have known each other for so long and there are still questions, I would be very cautious. He seems like he is holding on to you in his back pocket and whenever it is convenient for him, he will call on you. This is not fair. I honestly don't think you are being treated fairly at all. Someone who is in love with someone, is in love with them right now. There should never be a mention of, "well in the future". Sometimes marriage plans can be in the future, but for him to dictate the terms of your relationship when he feels it's good for him is not good. You cannot force a marriage. It seems like he is going to settle on marrying you because it is accommodating for him, not because you are the love of his life. I don't think that the right feelings are there for you both to get married. it has to feel right. There should be no questions. You shouldn't get married and then wait for these things to come, chances are that they won't. I think you need to really consider the situation you are in. Does this make you 100% happy? is this what you want for the rest of your life? A man should be in complete love with you. it doesn't sound like that is what is going on here.
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Customer: replied 5 years ago.
I don't know. I miss him everyday. I dream of him every night since he left. I know I love him so much but I also know I don't want to forced him. If there's even a bit, I'd rather let go. I don't know which to trust since he gave me so many messages with different meanings. I need confirmation but it seems he himself sounds confused and might not know the answer.
Also, studies should indeed be the core focus at this time. He said he has to work even harder to have a better job and work for our better future.
One thing Im confused of is i asked him does he still have feelings for me on december 27 (4 days after he arrived his place). He said he doesn't have feelings for girls and doesn't want to and won't get married. If so, why asking me to marry him now?
I used to agree that a person who really loves you will contact you. the fact that he doesn't or rarely does seem as if he is not interested in me and is just using me; but, i didn't contact him all the time and that doesn't mean i don't love him. Would it be possible that he does love me but there are really factors that make him not to contact me that often?
Expert:  Dr. Paige replied 5 years ago.
It is possible. If you want to wait until after you are done with school and then re evaluate your situation, then maybe clear heads will prevail. Maybe if you both can take a break from each other and focus on school, that time apart will make your true feelings come out. Give it some time. Let things calm down and relax a bit and see where you both stand at that point. I still would hold off on marriage until you both work out the core of your relationship first, however. Make 100% certain that you are not settling.
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