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Ask TherapistJen Your Own Question
TherapistJen, LCSW, CPC
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 3442
Experience:  Licensed Clinical Social Worker
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I am having several issues with my husband and I am not sure

Customer Question

I am having several issues with my husband and I am not sure what to do.. this morning we ended up in a physical altercation. The whole thing stemed from me asking him why he didn't put his clothes away from me doing the laundry. They were strung over the couch and we currently live at my motherks house and she was expecting people. I then proceeded to ask him why he leaves his dirty clothes in the bathroom instead of just putting them in the hamper as the laundry room is directly adjacent from our bedroom. He told me he doesn't have time or rather when does he have time considering he is "the only one who leaves the house for work". I ended up pushing him on the shoulder and he wrestled me to the ground and pinned me and then tried to kiss me... I bawled uncontrollably and then my mother asked me what was wrong, he told her he pushed me and i went outside to smoke a ciggarette. He passed me on his way to his car to leave and told me he was playing and that he was sorry , but that I talk at him not to him and all i do is bitch and nag. There are several other issues that i have to talk about that indirectly relate to the whole situation. I am just at a loss because he will be home soon and I can't just let this go and he thinks everything is fine anyway.
Submitted: 5 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  TherapistJen replied 5 years ago.

CoachJenK :

Hello, thank for joining me. Please forgive any typos as I get very immersed in my work with you and sometimes my brain goes faster than my fingers.

CoachJenK :

When things proceed to a level of physical altercation I suggest that you both get into counseling to see where things are in the marriage.

CoachJenK :

Are you living with your mother because of financial reasons? This could be stressful for everyone involved and could be causing some irritations for both of you.

Customer: replied 5 years ago.
Lets see. Yes, we live with her for financial reasons and this a huge issue, because 4 years ago when we met he told me that he wanted me to keep control of the finaces and as I do he accuses me of "controlling him" and "trying to be his mother". My husband was 34 years old the first time he m.oved away from his mom and that was when I met him and we moved into an apartment together. She had always done his laundry and cooked for him and put his clothes away for him and granted I currently don't work, but I have so many other things I have going on that I need to do on a daily basis... Theres just so much to it i need to divulge in order for you to be able to REALLY help me... Also we will do therapy, but are waiting on his benefits to come in on March 6th.
Expert:  TherapistJen replied 5 years ago.
I understand the space here is somewhat limited but I can tell you that since he has been babied much of his whole life it doesn't seem like this need in him is going to change. It becomes a matter of what you can tolerate within the relationship, but certainly the physical escalation is a sign of concern that needs to be addressed and I am glad it will be soon.
Customer: replied 5 years ago.
Understood but what is it possible for me to do? I cannot talk to him about this tonight because its his weekend with his son and that means his son is number one priority. We have onloy been married since October and my husband puts his son and his mother ahead of me. Its almost as if everything my husbands mother says is the word from the bible and everything I say is nagging or bitching. I need to know how to get my point across and stop being the one that is beaten down.
Expert:  TherapistJen replied 5 years ago.
That is also very common and not something that is easily changed with the mother in law. I agree that it may not be the weekend to talk with him if he is with his son.
Choose a quiet moment where he might be able to hear you at a later date, but as I said this is already ingrained in him with being treated like a king and it really is about what you can deal with if he is unwilling to make changes. All of this will come up when you get into counseling and you will have the place to air these issues out. Maybe we don't "nag" for a while and see how it all plays out. Please know that I am not saying you nag! Try this and see how it goes.
Customer: replied 5 years ago.
Okay i understand your response, i guess i just need to know what to do. When he comes home today I am not gonna be happy or receptive and then he will ask me whats wrong and I will again tell him nothing and then he will tell me to just tell him and then against my better judgement I will and then he will listen and tell me something he doesnt like that I do. Or will tell me that I am just trying to keep him from going to see his son and that I am just jealous of his mom and his son. It always come down to that. When I talk to him methodically he accuses me of thinking I'm better than everybody because I was homeschooled or better yet just says whatever or yeah you are right I am always wrong just to get under my skin. I am just extremely hurt and don't know how to move forward much less discuss this when I can already calculate his every word.
Expert:  TherapistJen replied 5 years ago.
You are entitle to your feelings and I am suggesting that what you do is sit tight with them for a bit. Let him get through this weekend with his son and then have a quiet talk with him when things feel a bit calmer for you inside. He does not sound that willing to be open to healthy communication and I am sorry for that. When you get into counseling together you will have that space to do so and when he criticizes you the therapist will be able to work on that issue then and there. So, sit tight and then let him know how you feel. After all you have said it doesn't seem to matter because you will get criticized no matter what or when you say it.

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