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Dr. Paige
Dr. Paige, Psychologist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1427
Experience:  Ph.D. Licensed Psychologist
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I have been dating a man I met online for a month. I took

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I have been dating a man I met online for a month. I took my profile down after 2 weeks. He said he would take his profile down, but did not. He told me we were in an exclusive relationship, so I think it is disrespectful for him to have an active profile.

I confronted him last weekend about why his profile was still up. He said that he does not check it and forgot about it. However, when he checks emails from his phone, it updates the profile to say "active within 24hrs." I do not like this and it is causing me great stress. It makes me feel as though I cannot trust him. I told him this and he said, whether or not a profile is up or not, does not mean someone cannot lie. He told me to trust him, but I just cannot accept this.

Even after or discussion, he still has not removed the profile and it has been a few days. He told me we need to sit and have a long discussion about these things in the next few days. I don't know what to do. My only option is to end things. I feel it is disrespectful and unacceptable. I told him I felt this way, so now how should I proceed? Should I wait or go?
Hello. You have every right to feel how you do and to stand up for yourself about this. I would go and have the talk with him that he wants to have and go from there. if he feels that he has no reason to take it down and he stands his ground about it, then you should consider moving on. Chances are, he is leaving it up to see who else is out there. He isn't ready to commit to you. Go and have the discussion with him that he wants to have and see what he has to say. Stand your ground, don't back down and if he doesn't offer you the response that you want to hear and he isn't interested in hearing your side of it, then I would end it with him. If your relationship is starting out on this kind of note over something so small, then what else is he going to be adamant about??
Customer: replied 5 years ago.
Why do people do this? I told him if he wanted to date other people that it was perfectly fine, but to please just tell me the truth. I just don't get it. I mean why do men need to leave up their profile? Do you think I should just put mine back up without telling him anything?
People do things like this because of many reasons. he may be insecure and wants to get attention from many women, he could just be afraid of commitment which is common among men. I get this complain a lot from women. Some men have a perspective about women and how they think, some of which is very unfounded. Telling the truth about even little things can be scary to a man who thinks that women can react in a way that they feel is a bit confrontational. Men don't like conflict and think that lying is an easier way out. Not all men are like this, I'm just speaking from experiences with speaking to many couples. As far as putting your profile back up, that is totally up to you. You should do it if you want to, not just as a way to get him back.
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Customer: replied 5 years ago.
Hi Dr. Paige,

After my last communication with you, I spoke to my boyfriend and he took his profile down the next day. we were fine for the next few weeks.

Last week Tuesday (Feb 28) I checked the online dating site and saw that his profile was still active AGAIN. The weekend before Feb 28th we were together everyday and had plans for the week as well as this weekend that just passed because March 5 was my bday. Anyway, when I saw his profile up, I called him after work and asked him bluntly that I saw it was active again. He said that 2 weeks ago when his friend John was visiting for the weekend that John wanted to show him a woman on the dating site and he forgot to hide his profile after that.

However, last Tuesday when I saw his profile active again, it said active within 3 days which was 2 days after John had left and gone back to New York.

When I confronted him on the phone, he got really upset and told me that he forgot to hide it and that he would take it off. He said he doesn't care about the site and it doesn't mean anything and that even if my profile was up, he wouldn't care. And I shouldn't make a big deal about these things because he is with me all the time and we talk every night. Then he said he doesn't want to talk about this right now because he is mentally exhausted and then told me that "if I want to talk to him, that I should call him or we just won't talk." I didn't respond and he said bye and hung up. I never called him because I was upset and expected him to call me and apologize. We have not spoken since last Tuesday and yesterday was my birthday and he never called or texted me. I feel upset and do not understand. Also, his account is still up on the site and now he checks it everyday.

Last Tuesday after I confronted him...on Wednesday i blocked him from gchat and he blocked me back. We have not spoken since and I feel like I had no closure and am not sure if what he was telling me about the profile was true or he was lying to me.

I want to talk to him, but I don't know what I want from him because at this point it would be difficult to trust him.

I do not understand what happened and why he told me to call him if I want to talk to him.

Can you please give me some insight on what I may not be seeing?

Hello. Well, on one hand, men can be very forgetful and absent minded about a lot of things and this may not be a big deal to him. The fact that it is to you may worry him about you being jealous and he is acting defensive. At the same time, this has been a major issue of contention from the beginning of your relationship and he is obviously aware of how much it does bother you. The reason/excuse he used about John sounds a little bit weird, but is possible that it is the truth.
I would call him and be calm. Tell him in a nice demeanor that you really feel that he is not understanding how much the issue of his profile being up bothers you and that you both need to reach some sort of agreement about the whole thing immediately. Tell him that you thought this situation had been addressed and cleared up previously, but obviously he does not see the importance in the symbolism of having a profile up. To you, it means he is available and is actively wanting other women to contact him.
It is hard to say if this is just a man being a man situation or if he is truly not trustworthy. In either case, he is not hearing the concern from your side and that in itself should be the overall problem regardless of the specific instance. The fact he is ignoring your concerns is the main problem here. That is what needs to be addressed with him. You have to talk with him about this again and figure out what is going on. Trust your instincts.
Customer: replied 5 years ago.
Well that is why I have not contacted him because the issue seems to be that he is not concerned about how this issue makes me feel even though we have discussed it at length.

Do you think too much time has passed since we last spoke to contact him now? And....what if he doesn't take my call or doesn't want to talk to me? I think it would make me feel worse. It's like he's playing some kind of mind game or control game.

I mean he didn't even have the courtesy to call me for my birthday which was yesterday.

How can I figure out the truth? He will stick to his story about John and how would I ever know the truth? I mean if it was a mistake and I called him out on it last Tuesday, you would think he would immediately hide his profile because he expected me to call him and talk about it another day. After we hung up on Tuesday night, I went on the site and put my profile back up as well. I figured...what's the point. Which is probably why he never hid his either. He's 33 and i'm 31. I cannot believe this is going on at our age.

Do you think it is worth it to call? It just seems weird to me never to talk ever again and that he doesn't even care that the reason we stopped talking is due to his actions.
It is weird that he would be so mad about your response unless there is something else going on. His actions to not seem to match up to the situation. Like you said, he is the one who made the mistake. he obviously does not feel as though he did anything wrong. This entire situation could be a good lesson though. If this is happening now over something like this, what might this say about your future? While the profile issue may be somewhat of a small situation as a whole, when you consider huge relationship problems, such as infidelity, etc.. and this is how it ended up?? Not a good sign!! I would bet that he looks at this entire situation with the attitude of that you are the crazy, jealous one and none of this is a huge deal. He looks at the small picture where you are looking at the big picture which is what you should be doing.
As far as contacting him, how do you feel about that? Do you want to give him another chance at explaining this so you can have closure if you decide to move on from him? If that is the case, then go ahead and contact him. If you think he is not worth your time, then you should just move on and consider this a lesson learned. it's up to you based on how strongly you feel about him and the potential relationship. Keep in mind that he is who he is and you cannot change or "fix" him which is a big problem people run into. If he is non apathetic about this, chances are, there are a lot more situations where this will happen.
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