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TherapistJen, LCSW, CPC
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 3527
Experience:  Licensed Clinical Social Worker
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My partner and I fell intensely in love mid 2011 and after

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My partner and I fell intensely in love mid 2011 and after a short time determined that we wanted to be together 24/7. As the year progressed, she was subject to a number of emotional issues and at the end of the year was requested by her recent Ex to allow him to move back into the house while he sought a job. Since that time, we have maintained our relationship; however, while the love and commitment is still expressed, I am unable to visit her house any more and not able to contact her except by text at evenings, nor able to meet with her elsewhere at evenings. She continues to visit me occassionally at my house to which she has keys and we meet for coffee about twice a week, but only during the day. While with me she often finds it necessary to excuse herself to call her Ex or accept his call.  I have expressed a trust issue with this arrangement and been advised that I should just accept the current circumstances are necessary while she seeks to remove her Ex on good terms and have faith and trust in her for our future together. She has also stated that she is sexually faithful to me. My problem is that I don't want to distrust her, nor leap to conclusions or lose her, but feel like I am in an affair or a casual lover, rather than a true partnership
Submitted: 5 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  TherapistJen replied 5 years ago.
Good evening to you in Australia. I believe all of your feelings are valid. If she has let her ex move back in for economic reasons that I a not sure why she needs to keep your relationship at bay. I am not suggesting your relationship gets paraded around in front of him, but some of the restrictions about when you can contact her seem a bit odd. what is her reasoning for this? Let me be clear to alleviate some of your worry. I do not think she is being unfaithful to you and I do think she has allowed him to come back to the house for these economic reasons, but I would hope that the two of you can continue your loving relationship while being sensitive to the situation as well.
Her love does sound like it is enough for you and I would suggest a quiet time to talk with her not in anger but to express to her how much you love her and you would just like it is she can see your space and how difficult it has been because of this change. You are desirous of accepting this space, but can do that better with some mutuality and understanding of your difficulties around it.
Please let me know how else I can support you. Keep your loving and accepting heart.
Customer: replied 5 years ago.
I accept that my partner is not unfaithful and that my love and desire to be with her exerts unnecessary pressure on her situation. This has led to several arguments. However, while she expresses commitment, this has changed to a 'one day our dreams may come true'. What concerns me is that I may be supportive, patient and accept this rather strange contact 'curfew' which also extends to no direct contact at weekends as well, for an extended period which has been suggested may be a year or more. During that prolonged time, we are to 'build' our relationship, which I find difficult without consistent interaction. And is there really a commitment if the Ex or any friends are unaware of our partnership, the only public manifestation of which is the ring she wears from me on her right hand. I love her, but have no desire to put my life on hold for no eventual outcome
Expert:  TherapistJen replied 5 years ago.
I truly understand all that you are saying and feeling. I too wonder why she hasn't shared that she is in a relationship with you. I still feel that it is out of protection of his feelings but that doesn't help your feelings and I know that. It really becomes a matter of what you can accept and tolerate as you say you cannot put your life on hold while she figures it out. Please don't make a rash decision about more with her, see if she will make some changes that take your feelings and needs into account. If she can't then you have more data to make a decision that works for you.
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