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TherapistJen, LCSW, CPC
Category: Relationship
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Experience:  Licensed Clinical Social Worker
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I am a 56 year old female who has been seeing a 58 year old

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I am a 56 year old female who has been seeing a 58 year old male for three months. We live 45 minutes away from each other. We have been seeing each other about twice a week, sometimes three. We have told each other we love/like one another and would like to have a possible future together. My only baggage is I am a cop that has four and a half months left on the job before retiring. His baggage is he just recently separated from his wife and loves to spend time with his friends/and possibly other for fun girlfriends. His closest friends know I am a cop. He does not want his not so close friends to know that I am a cop. I have met them and they appear to be a good group of people who smoke pot. He claims this is why he doesn't want them to know he is dating a police officer. I am miserable without him and can hardly function without him. I am willing to retire early to be with him. He says no, to stick it out. I never smile anymore. I just want to be with him and that is where my mind is at. I talked to him on the phone tonight and I asked him if he was satisfied with the amount of time we spend together. He laughed and stated yes that it was working out fine. I didn't laugh. I am willing to move to be closer to him. (I did not tell him this but he probably already knows it because he knows I would move in with him if he asked)He asked me where I saw us at when I retired and I responded boyfriend/girlfriend and we would decide from there what happens. My retirement date seems to be a time-line. My question is-Is this a normal way for him to be acting this early in our relationship(not wanting to spend more time with me and his seeing other women) and do you think there is hope for a future in our relationship? He contacts me everyday and most of the time atleast twice a day and tells me he can't stop thinking about me. I am so miserable without him. I think he would be miserable without me but he has friends to keep him happy. I think my retirement and not being a cop anymore is possibly going to be the turning point in our relationship. The four and a half months until then would also give him time to be away from his twenty year marriage, sew a few wild oats, etc. Is this a normal way for him to be acting this early in the relationship? and what do I need to do to keep this relationship going/escalating? And I surely would like to feel better. I know I am in love with him and I think he is sincere when he says he loves me but the other possible women and the not wanting to spend more time with me? Is that normal? I have two days off a week. My last set of days off, he only wanted to see me on one of those nights. Is that normal? Our schedules conflict, I am working midnights and he works during the day and we have different days off which is part of the problem.
Good morning. I can hear your pain and your confusion, but I must say this right off the bat. Please do not retire early. You have very little time left on a job that you have served well and I am always worried when women are ready to throw it all for the sake of the relationship. If you retired early that does not guarantee anything in terms of the outcome of the relationship, so given that, stay in your are almost there, and let the relationship develop on a natural course. You ask whether his behavior is normal? Sure, he is living his life after his previous ending but he is also including you in his time. Yes, it is not enough for you right now and I understand that, but keep spending the time when you do and let it develop. I would like to see for you more in the way of you living your life and enjoying some things when you are not with his as you say he does. That makes your life richer and it could be hard for him if he feels that he is your everything. That can be overwhelming for him. Do you have someone to speak to? A therapist or life coach can help you with those spaces. So, to sum up my feelings I would finish out your career, see him when you both create the time, let the relationship develop naturally, involve yourself in things in your life that bring fulfillment in addition to your love for him, get the support of a life coach or therapist to help you though this space. you are both feeling, doing and experiencing normal things. Please take care of yourself...this does not need to be a miserable space for s a time of growth. Once you retire you can spend more time together and see where things are and if the same issues, such as not including you with his friends or giving enough time to the relationship still occurs then you will deal with that when and if that is the case.
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