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Sorry to hear that your wonderful partner does not trust you but I think there is more to it than that. She has high expectations of herself and I suspect is taking your daughter's not accepting and obeying her as a personal failure. Her internal conflict is making your mother's visit be blown all out of proportion.
You need to let your partner know that you have decided that you will only talk to your mother with her present. This achieves two things.It proves to her that you are not using your mother to make her understand that your daughter has a rough hiistory and it shows her that you wil value your partner over your mother in raising the children.
I have already suggested that we talk to my mother together about her visit, she is not interested. I even suggested that she calls her to discuss her reasons for coming around. I beleive its my partners opinion that I would have asked my mother not to tell her that I asked her to visit.
I understand her reaction and this conferms the fact that your partner is takinng your daughter's lack of acceptance of her personally. Her problems with your mother are a smoke screen. You can put her at ease by saying that in the future you want to work as a team and you will only have contact with your mother in her presence. This will assure her that you value her over your mother and may eventually end this conflict.
Secondly you need to stear this discussion in the right direction. You need to start an open dialogue with your partner about what you can do to support her in assuming the role of the "mother" to your daughter and have her suggest ways to have you help her so that you work together to get your daughter to accept the fact that she has a real live mother in her life who is going to be consistent and there for her.
Let me know your feelings about my suggestions. I really think it is the way to go and will deal with the problem directly and not obliquely through this discussion about your mother.
I'll give it another go. I've already tried to open a dialogue regarding our teamwork as parents but it is quickly pushed to the side because she thinks I'm lying to her.
Then you need to regain her trust. She does not trust you and you need to start on that discussion. You restore trust by doing what you say, standing up to what you have offered and accept responsibility for any discrepancy between what you said and what you do. Only a lyer will plead and wine. A truthful person stands by what he says and his word becomes to be respected.
Yeah I've tried to tackle that. I said last night that "she can ask the question as many times as she likes and I'll give the same answer and until she can trusts me that I never contacted her that its hard to move forward."
That may be an honest answer but she is already convinced that you are in cahoots with your mother and there is no convincing her otherwise. That is why I suggested to work from now in attempting to reestablish your integrety and switch the discussion to your daughter which is her real concern. Talking about what you did say and didn't say to your mom is only taking the course most liers would take, pleading and whining.
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