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TherapistJen, LCSW, CPC
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 3382
Experience:  Licensed Clinical Social Worker
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I have been with a guy for 6 months now. His best friend is

Customer Question

I have been with a guy for 6 months now. His best friend is a girl. They have been best friends for about a year. At first, he had feelings for her/was attracted to her. She was engaged at the time, now married, and she made that clear to him and discouraged his affection. She has been married for about 6 months. I should mention he and I are in a long distance relationship. As is her marriage. (military) They spend time together every day, which has never concerned me. He has been honest with me from the start about his previous feelings for her. Now he says there are none and I have no trust issues there. Recently, however, during one of their heart to heart talks, she admitted that she had also been attracted to him, which was news to both of us. When he told me this, he was trying to be open and honest. He began with "I hope this doesnt make you feel uncomfortable." My question is: how could I not feel uncomfortable?? I dont know why her confession changed things in my mind. Maybe because she is married and there is no reason to mention this NOW? It is a known fact that she has attention/self esteem issues. I havent talked to him about this. I dont want him to choose between her and I because I know how important to him she is. Please help.
Submitted: 5 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  TherapistJen replied 5 years ago.

JenK :

Hello, thank for joining me. Please forgive any typos as I get very immersed in my work with you and sometimes my brain goes faster than my fingers.

JenK :

It sounds like you and your boyfriend have a wonderful ability to be honest with one another and that is good. Why she brings it up now is hard to really know but my hunch is if she has this neediness and her husband is away in the military she is feeling lonely and is looking for that connection. To mention her feelings now is certainly inappropriate but I am glad he came to you with it. I don't think you need to give him that ultimatum because it seems he has responded to the event in a positive way and did not keep it from you. I would suggest letting him know how you care for him and checking in with him to see where he is in his feelings toward you and if he desires to be with this other woman. I would not do this in a pressuring way or by giving him the ultimatum because as you say the trust is there. Keep that trust but also check in with him in that non-threatening and loving way. Please let me know if I can provide more support.

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