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was dating this girl who just broke up with her ex

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when we first me. She...
was dating this girl who just broke up with her ex when we first me. She was a virgin and we've stayed together for just over 2 years. Our relationship has ups and downs and I always feared commitment with her. We had many arguments and broke up so many many times but always managed to get back together. The connection we developed became strong and we spent most days and nights together. But recently I had to travel abroad for work. She was against the idea but it was only option to gain some career development. Before I left I didn't want to see her because it was going to hurt so I gave her the wrong date for my travel but then said sorry and met her a day before I left which was nice. Upon arrival we had some contact but the pressure of work made me ignore her for about two weeks, during this pperiod she felt so alone and tried so hard to reach out for me but I was rude to her and gave her no time on the phone. When I realised what I did I phoned her and apologized and begged her cuz she was mad. But she told me that I put her thru hell and she now wants to learn to be independent and feels she can't forgive me for doing this to her. I assured her that I was sorry and won't do it again. But she kept saying that she wants time to get over it. She then told me that she had a one night stand and she liked one guy living close to her. I was mad. I then made the mistake of acting needy and pressurized her into getting back. She kind of said ok we take it slow but I need time.She kept saying that she loves me but said something has changed after I left and she doesn't love me the same as before. We kept speaking but she was colder than before. This was going on for 2 months. Just before coming back to see her for a holiday she sounded so happy and said we will do this and that. Upon arrival she told me she wants to be on her own and doesn't want a relationship with anyone and that there is no one in her life atm. I accepted it but we hanged out together few times that week. We were kissing and having sex but she kept saying she missed me but still doesn't want a relationship. Now she has some hard exams coming up in 3 months time and I will come back for good once her exams are over and she knows this. I love this girl to bits and thinks she's the only girl I truly love, so I want her back.What do you think is going on through her mind and whether we can build a new better relationship again? P.s. When I was with her in my holiday 2 weeks ago I went thru her facebook and saw messgs from guys commenting on her ass etc.. This guy actually lives in the same block with her.Thank you
Submitted: 5 years ago.Category: Relationship
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2/1/2012
Counselor: psychlady, Counselor replied 5 years ago
psychlady
psychlady, Counselor
Category: Relationship
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Sometimes when you push people away they aren't there when you come around. You created this emotional distance and that can change someone's feelings. The only person that knows if they will return is her. You can't push people away when you are going through something. A couple shares everything. You have to learn how to be a couple when there are problems. And now you have to convince her that you can do that. You can at this point only apologize for your behavior. She is either ready to accept that or not. Telling her how you feel and why things will be different is your only option. It may be a bad time now if she is having exams but it's never too late. She will be able to decide if the relationship is worth saving. As far as the guys are concerned it sounds like she is considering other options. Either she has put herself out there as available or they are inappropriate messages from guys she knows. Either way she needs to respect the relationship and your feelings.

 

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Customer reply replied 5 years ago
thank you. shes said she wants to talk to me on skype. i dont know how to approach her now.
Customer reply replied 5 years ago
thank you. shes said she wants to talk to me on skype. i dont know how to approach her now. She keeps emailing me complaining about how shes not studying and that she might fail. she blocked me of facebook and removed me from blackberry messenger but keeps e-mailing me. how should i go about it
Customer reply replied 5 years ago
Relist: Answer came too late.
Counselor: psychlady, Counselor replied 5 years ago
I would answer her emails since that is her method of choice. Or you could do this on Skype. It isn't important what forum. What is important is whether you want to talk to her. You should use the approach that works for you. Don't panic. Take this gradually and use you best judgment
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Customer reply replied 5 years ago
Thanks. I did but then I emailed her saying what did u want to talk about anyway. She emailed back asking if I still love her or not! I don't know how to reply. I actually don't know why is she asking me this question cuz she blocked me on facebook 2 days ago !! What do u think she's doing?!! Please let me know, thnx
Customer reply replied 5 years ago
Relist: Answer came too late.
Counselor: Dr. L, Psychologist replied 5 years ago
Dr. L
Dr. L, Psychologist
Category: Relationship
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Experience: Licensed as a Psychologist and Marriage & Family Therapist.
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Hello,

While I certainly understand your desire to know what she is thinking, the truth of that matter is that you won't know unless you ask her. Blocking you on Facebook is a common tactic these days when people get angry...but I don't think you should assume that this is true unless you have an opportunity to talk to her.

 

The fact remains that you were rude to her and pushed her away before leaving the country. That had to have hurt. Certainly that lead to some concerns about trust.

 

It sounds to me like an awful lot of "game playing" has gone on between you and that neither of you is being 100% honest about your feelings. Good relationships are built on honesty. If you are willing to be that honest, trusting guy then you have something to offer her. If you're not...then you're not.

 

It does seem like a lot of healing needs to happen between the two of you if you have any chance to build a loving, healthy relationship. Is that what you want?

 

You write that you don't know how to approach her. The only answer I can provide is to be 100% honest...honest about the untruths you told about when you were leaving the country, honest about where your heart is, honest about what you want with this relationship.

 

As to her saying she doesn't want a relationship right now. Perhaps that is her truth. If so, you may have to be patient and wait for her to do the work of gaining in independence.

 

Dr. Levang

 

 

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Customer reply replied 5 years ago
Thanks. She emailed me today saying she can't move on cuz her mind is full of our memories and that she feels guilty for breaking up. She also asked me what shud we do.Itold her its a mutual feeling and we shud, if we both want, take it easy and try to build the trust between us and respect each other .. Having said that, I felt she is just trying to ask me to help her to ease the break up and this feeling of guilt. Do u sense that she's trying to leave the door open for me?
Counselor: Dr. L, Psychologist replied 5 years ago

Good Morning,

With all the game playing that both of you have done in the past, it certainly is difficult - and maybe even frustration - to understand what is true.

 

Kudos to you for acknowledging your own feelings and putting out the idea of taking it easy and attempting to regain trust and respect. That truly is the best way to proceed here. Only with time, commitment, and truth telling will you be able to determine if this relationship will succeed.

 

It certainly is possible that her motivation is to use you to ease her own feelings. Equally possible is that she is truly wanting to patch things up by leaving the door wide open.

 

But again, you can't mind read her, nor can you change her. All you can do is to follow your own heart and make the best decisions you can for your life and your future. If this is someone that you want to invest time in, then do so.

 

To some degree, both of you seem "stuck" - unable to go forward or backward. Perhaps you will need to sit in that stuck position for a bit and do some soul searching as to what you truly want here.

 

Dr. Levang

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Counselor: Dr. L, Psychologist replied 5 years ago

Hello,

Just checking in to see if you posted back.

 

If you feel satisfied with our chat, please press the green Accept button. Thanks.

 

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Customer reply replied 5 years ago
Thanx. Just one more question. In her last message she said she doesn't know what she wants and that she needs time and will wait until I arrive back from abroad to decide. I
Counselor: Dr. L, Psychologist replied 5 years ago

Hi,

Her acknowledging that she doesn't know what she wants is admirable. And it confirms what I suspected all along - she's conflicted and doesn't know want she wants. I'm glad that you are doing some communicating - that means the door is still open.

As I said before, YOU are not sure what you want. While you are away, use the time wisely to examine your own motivations to reunite. Is it about real love, or about convenience? What brought you happiness in the relationship? Is this enough to build a future on?

 

It is far too easy to jump back in an old relationship without doing the work of understanding what drove you apart...and conversely...what holds you together.

 

YOU need to make a decision about this girl for you. Remember, you have one and only one life to lead.

 

Dr . Levang

And...please press the Accept button. You can always post another question to me in the future.

Dr. L
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Customer reply replied 5 years ago
Thank you, XXXXX XXXXX she emailed me and said she wants to talk. We spoke on skype and she told me that she is now in a relationship. I was angry why she told me this and got crazy but she said she did it to move on. Then she dropped the call cuz I told her there is no need for her to tell me.
Counselor: Dr. L, Psychologist replied 5 years ago

Wow. Not sure what to make of her behavior...was she telling the truth, or being rude and mean as a way to make you jealous. Hard to tell.

 

As best you can, I encourage you to not get overly heated about this. Long distance relationships are cumbersome and difficult to manage. Some people don't have the patience for such things, nor the necessary qualities of loyalty and self-sacrifice.

 

YOU need to decide what you want. For now, take the time away as an opportunity to work on your own goals and priorities for a love relationship. No matter what happens here, you will be in a better place when you return to pursue love.

 

Dr. Levang

 

 

Dr. L
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Customer reply replied 5 years ago
Thank you very much Dr, you've been the extremely helpful. I am determined to work on myself - this goes without saying. But I am trying to understand things. Do you think this is the only way some people can move on. Its clear that her new relationship is a rebound one, I mean 2 days ago she said her head is full of our memories and that she doesn't know what she wants and will wait till I come back in 4 months!
Counselor: Dr. L, Psychologist replied 5 years ago

Hi,

I agree - rebound relationship. Yes...very typical behavior for someone who doesn't know how to end relationships in a respectful and loving way. And/or indicative of someone who doesn't want to be alone, or lonely, or on their own. There is often an inability to be self-sufficient or independent. That is, always needing some one in their life as a crutch.

 

In reality, you will likely be a "ghost" in this rebound relationship.

 

Dr. Levang

 

 

Dr. L
Dr. L, Psychologist
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Customer reply replied 5 years ago
Which means her new relationship is unlikely to last. But how should I behave when she contacts me again.
Counselor: Dr. L, Psychologist replied 5 years ago

Cool, calm, collected!

 

Definitely not needy, clingy.

 

If there is to be a new chapter, she will have some explaining to do, will have to offer some sort of apology, and be committed to repairing the broken trust.

 

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Customer reply replied 5 years ago
Do u think there will ever be a new chapter? I feel she forced herself to move on from me. But I dunno why she was very eager to tell me that she's in a relationship. And she said 2 weeks ago when I was with her (while she was telling me I love but dnt want to be with u that she had no one in her life) how can she find someone is 2 weeks and decide to be in a relationship with him?
Counselor: Dr. L, Psychologist replied 5 years ago

Rebound relationships don't tend to last. She's likely using him as a way to clear her mind.

Yes...I think there could be a new chapter.

Be patient. Keep the door open...

 

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Customer reply replied 5 years ago
Thanks. She sent me like 5 emails last night saying that she can't stop thinking about me and that she's always comparing her new guy to me. She said she knows that she doesn't want me anymore but she doesn't think it will work with someone else!! I will be back to the country for good in 4 months. I need her back, what should I do?
Counselor: Dr. L, Psychologist replied 5 years ago

Good Morning,

Hmmm...she can't stop thinking about you, compares you to others, doesn't think it will work with anyone else...but doesn't want me back. Do you see her confused thinking here?

 

She doesn't know what she wants. Okay. We can understand her confusion. You are away. She got lonely. She wanted attention. She finds a substitute for you. That substitute guy doesn't take away how she felt about you like she thought he would. Now...what does she do? She has no idea.

 

Meanwhile, you are away. You won't be back for 4 months. You believe that you can have a long-distance relationship and, if though you might get lonely, you don't go out and find a substitute girlfriend. You are patient, loyal, and are holding on to the relationship.

 

Is the picture getting clearer here?

 

You get to choose what you want to do with your life. She gets to choose what she is going to do with her life. It appears that before you left, the two of you made some sort of commitment to uphold the relationship during your absence. You kept that commitment. She hasn't.

 

Again, each of you has to decide what you want. You have the choice to stay committed to her and, when you come back in 4 months, to see if you can pick up the pieces. Or, you can say forget it, I'm not waiting for her. She also gets to make choices here as to how she wants to handle this.

 

Clearly she doesn't know what she wants. Are you willing to give her the room to figure this out? Or, have you had enough?

 

It would be easy for you to say...she's out dating...then so should I. However, I would caution you not to make a rash decision like that. If you truly believe that you want to mend this relationship on your return, then be extremely careful in how you proceed. You certainly do not want to add more turmoil on to the situation.

 

I hope this helps.

Dr. Levang

 

 

 

 

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Customer reply replied 5 years ago
Good Morning. I agree with what you have said. I think she's the type that needs support and attention all the time and can't handle being on her own. The perplexing thing for here is that I know all her flows and thinks she should definitely improve her definition of love BUT I share a lot with her and have very strong feelings for her. I would love if this relationship could be saved. But the games between us (as you referred to them before) mean that she will try hard to (at least sound to) stick to her decision not go back to me even if that meant finding a new rebound guy but I know for sure this is not her own decision, she might not want to appear weak in front of her friends or even in front of me.
Customer reply replied 5 years ago
She keeps asking me to talk to her, I don't know what she wants to say to me. Is she expecting me to tell her how to get over me? What to do to improve her relationship with this new guy?? I feel she doesn't respect my feelings! What should I do cuz someone told me if I am in the picture her relationship with this guy will more likely succeed?
Counselor: Dr. L, Psychologist replied 5 years ago

Hello,

Her motivation for talking to you is a bit strange. I think it would be best to come right out and ask her what she wants. For example, Why do you want to keep talking to me when you are in another relationship? Do you want my help in improving your relationship with him? Or do you my help in getting over me?

Once you find out what she wants, then you have the choice whether to keep talking to her or not. If she wants you to help her with her new relationship...the answer is No. I'm not willing to do that. If it is to help her get over you...the answer is No. I have my own work to do to heal from this relationship and I'm not willing to do your work to.

Do you see where I am going here?

 

She can only USE you, if you let her. I think you are capable of making a wise choice!

 

As to what someone told you about your staying in the picture helps her new relationship. Mind reading never works. You have no idea how this guy thinks and you have no real idea what she is up to. Talking to you may lead him to be jealous and, therefore, work hard to keep their relationship going strong. But even then it's all based on falseness. I don't think this should be your concern. What you need to stay focused on is what you want and how you feel.

 


Dr. Levang

 

Please remember to press the Green Accept button!

 

Dr. L
Dr. L, Psychologist
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Customer reply replied 5 years ago
Thank you once again. She couldn't stop emailing me. So I she said she can't live without me so I replied with e mails about the good memories between us and said am still loyal to u. But she said she's not ok after me and still doesn't know what to do. She also said she's not sure if our relationship is worth saving again! I want to know if I've burnt my cards already with her or is there something changing in our favor?
Counselor: Dr. L, Psychologist replied 5 years ago

Hello,

She continues to sound very confused. Without you being there on the ground, it's quite difficulty to know exactly what is going on.

 

You put your cards on the table and that was the right move for you to make. All you can control is your half of the relationship.

 

I think it might be time for you to back off a bit and let her make the next few moves. You've shared your feelings, said you are standing firm in your loyalty to her.

 

Her saying that she's not sure if your relationship is worth saving just demonstrates again how unsure she is. You could counter by saying, "I believe it is worth saving and I'm willing to put in the work to do so." When you decide what you want, let me know.

 

I wouldn't be so quick to answer her emails or otherwise communicate with her. This on again off again thing is going to get tiring for you and it may cause you to throw up your hands in disgust and back out completely. You might need to go so far as to say, "Unless you have something positive to talk about, then I've heard enough about your uncertainly about a future with me."

 

You are not a puppet on a string!

 

Dr. Levang

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Customer reply replied 5 years ago
Hello DR. How do you do?
I don't know how to say this but I think you have a very good understanding of my case. Yesterday she was begging me to speak to her all day and kept sending me countless e-mails. When I answered she said she needs my help and asked for money. She kept being nice to me! She said she's tight for money and her dad did not send enough money and she needs some money for some revision classes, but said she will pay back. Now, the situation is I have already lent her something like 800 USD and yesterday was the date she's was supposed to pay it back! But instead she asked for a further 350 USD and said she will pay it all when I come back in 3 or 4 months time. The funnt thing is she said she wants to find a job when she finishes with her studies to pay the money OR she will stay with me in the flat when I come back and rent her own room for a month or two.
Now, I didn't promise her and said I will see and give her an answer in a weeks time. My concern is, she said she has no intention of being with me now, but will see how it will go when I come back. She says she misses me but said she wants what's between us to be as ambiguous as it is now!!!! Her story for why she wants the money is full of wholes because this is the 4th time she asks me for money in the past 5 months (she only paid back half of it so far). Any advice?
Counselor: Dr. L, Psychologist replied 5 years ago

Good Morning,

A big fat NO to sending her any more money. You are not a bank! Nor a cash machine! Nor a money tree! You get my point here.

 

In my experience, relationships that are held together by money are a poor investment for the one handing out the dollars. One doesn't know if its love that is fueling the relationship or the lure of money.

 

Her statement that "...no intention of being with me now....misses me....wants what's between us to be as ambigous as it is now" strongly suggests it is about money and not about building a relationship.

 

The possibility she throws out of renting a room from you and living with you a few months seems like another ploy to get to your wallet.

 

I'm sorry..but she appears to be selfish and not at all concerned about you...but about herself.

 

I encourage you to be very cautious. I am not hearing anything on her part that suggests she wants to work toward a healthy relationship with you.

 

Dr. Levang

 

 

Dr. L
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Customer reply replied 5 years ago
Thank you very much DR, your wise words have been extremely helpful. I am just very suspicious because she has a rich father (living in another country) and I am shocked that since I left the country she's been asking for big sums and her at the same time she says she lost all interest in a relationship with me! She says she can't stop thinking about me then breaks up with me. Also, she used to say I was horrible to her when I left then she says I am a wonderful person and am the type a girl should get married to ( what she said yesterday).
Is she taking me for a mug? Is she trying to keep me waiting and possibly running behind her ( yesterday she said she's no longer interested in relationships with other people and that she's single again)..

When I emailed her back asking about why is she having all these money problems out of the sudden and if her dad is paying her or not, she got extremely angry and said she doesn't want money from me and will pay back the 800 in june and thinks I am a horrible person now!
Counselor: Dr. L, Psychologist replied 5 years ago
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Customer reply replied 5 years ago
Dear Dr Levang

I would like to thank you for your advice.

I have been receiving emails from my ex. Most of these emails were mundane she just wanted to check up on me. I have tended to ignore those mails and i reached a point of acceptance that the relationship is over. lately she started telling me that she misses me and wants to talk but i ignored it again. she added me on blackberry messaging service and we started talking slowly, yesterday she said that she broke up with her boyfriend and wants our relationship back. at first i was happy. but seconds later i remembered all the pain i had to go through in the past months when she was acting nonchalant and inconsiderate.. ske knows i am coming back to the country in 3 months and said we should build the trust slowly. but i feel betrayed like she used the time apart to sleep around and when she knew i am coming she said lets be together. i asked how many people did she sleep with she said the number is not impotent and that she didn't count! i feel so low that she used this time to keep me close as a second option and do whatever she wants even though she knew i always wanted to be with her. i feel so disrespected. so used having given her all this money and betrayed that she can just turn up when she wants and gives me hasty reasons for her return. she doesnt want to discuss her relationship with this person, and says why she broke up is irrelevant.

please help Dr

Counselor: Dr. L, Psychologist replied 5 years ago
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Customer reply replied 5 years ago
Thank you very much.. I think you are right dr.. After she asked for money and pressurized me to send her the money for 2 or 3 three days I kept saying I don't have money and I can't send, ignored her for 2 days etc she sent saying she doesn't want this relationship again because of my behavior in the past few days (during the period when she asking for money).. Now I still owe her some money till june when I will finally come back from abroad.do you think borrowing money was her way of keeping me in the picture running behind her asking for it? And what should I do when I meet her in june??

Thank you very much
Counselor: Dr. L, Psychologist replied 5 years ago
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Disclaimer: Information in questions, answers, and other posts on this site ("Posts") comes from individual users, not JustAnswer; JustAnswer is not responsible for Posts. Posts are for general information, are not intended to substitute for informed professional advice (medical, legal, veterinary, financial, etc.), or to establish a professional-client relationship. The site and services are provided "as is" with no warranty or representations by JustAnswer regarding the qualifications of Experts. To see what credentials have been verified by a third-party service, please click on the "Verified" symbol in some Experts' profiles. JustAnswer is not intended or designed for EMERGENCY questions which should be directed immediately by telephone or in-person to qualified professionals.

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