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Ask Rev.Dr. August Abbott Your Own Question
Rev.Dr. August Abbott
Rev.Dr. August Abbott, Clergy
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 7621
Experience:  Ordained minister: Counselor (spiritual/life)
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i am soo lonely. very lonely. i have a son that wants no contact

Customer Question

i am soo lonely. very lonely. i have a son that wants no contact what so ever. what do i do to get him back. i miss him and i'm so lonely. please help me.
Submitted: 5 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Rev.Dr. August Abbott replied 5 years ago.
-- How old is he? What happened to strain the relationship? How long ago did it happen? Tell me how you got into this position
Customer: replied 5 years ago.
,my son is 40 years old. his dad and I devorced when he was 6 yrs. old. we had a very good relationship during his school years. i remarried and he became very close to his step-dad. my husband, his stepdad died when my son was 24. the mother and son relationship vanished. i had alot of financial problems and just the fact of having a hard time getting my life back in routine. during this period i admit i was distant from my son in trying to find peace with my personal life. now i have lost him forever and i just cant' cope with this any longer. please help.
Expert:  Rev.Dr. August Abbott replied 5 years ago.

-- "Forever" hasn't happened yet. Until it does, there's still hope and that's the very first thing you need to put in your heart. With hope there is also some peace. Less pain and a calm that's necessary in order to move forward.


-- It's with this calm, however small it might be right now, that I need you to tell me a little more. Was there an incident that led him to decide to shut you out? Closing doors and turning the locks is rather extreme behavior for a 40 year old man when his mother is trying to reach him.


What was your last conversation with him? When was it?



Customer: replied 5 years ago.

we really didn't have a conversation indicating any of this "shut-out" behavior. the last time we spoke personally was at my deceased husband's funneral/reception. i was very upset. i'd been married to this man for 20 yrs. so for a period of time i can honestly say i shut everyone out until i got a foothold on life as to what i'm going to do

. it was very devastating for me to even live in the same area we shared our life together at. i ended up moving back to where i was born to try to establish a new life. during this time everyone left me alone to deal with life. but it started settling down and i began to get in touch with my son.. at which time i found out he shut me out of his life. i honestly don't know why except that i pulled away in my time of grief to find a new life without my husband. i'm so sorry i did that. now i just need contact and love from my son. please help me.

Expert:  Rev.Dr. August Abbott replied 5 years ago.

-- OK, thanks for the additional info. You're right, chances are he's reacting out of pain and a sense of loss himself.


He must have felt that he didn't just lose one parent all those years ago, but that he lost two.


He's afraid that if he lets you back into his life and his heart you'll just let him down or disappoint him or hurt him again by withdrawing.


First things first: Tell him you are sorry. Make it clear that you know that nothing you say or do will change what happened, but that you would like to have a second chance.


And then, the hardest part, is to be patient. Give him a bit of time. A couple of weeks perhaps and try again. Ask for just a few minutes - for him to give you the thing that you didn't give him back when he needed it. Ask him to be better than you were.


It is a humbling thing to do, but you'll do what you must, right?




In the meantime, you cannot make this young man the be all and end all of your life. You need to be your own person and fill your own life with purpose and goals that are not dependent on others.


To do this (and I speak from experience) start with pursuing volunteer activities. Sign up for something outside of your comfort zone, but with a cause dear to you.


Meet new people through these selfless efforts and make it a rule to "never say no" when someone invites you to go somewhere or do something.


Be the smiling face that everyone looks forward to seeing. Even if you're pretending to begin with, it will soon enough be genuine.


------- as you are, so shall you be --------


Here is a great place to find open volunteer needs in your zip code and you can probably find something that starts this week


When you reconnect with your son - and I believe you will - you will be a well rounded, confident and fullfilled woman with much to offer rather than a lonely lady who is hoping for someone to fill the void.


You see? You CAN do this. You know you have to



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