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psychlady, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 6893
Experience:  I have over 16 years experience in treating adults presenting with a variety of relationship issues
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I am 36, after a 17 year marriage, I am now divorced and with

Customer Question

I am 36, after a 17 year marriage, I am now divorced and with two young children (ages 6 and 12). I have a boyfriend who have been living with now for the last 8 months.
My boyfriend and I began dating in 2010, shortly after my divorce. We dated for approximately 6 months, things seemed to be getting "serious" - however, he would turn cold one minute and hot the next. He was a huge flirt with other women and always bragged about other women finding him attractive. On a few occaisions when things would come up and I would need to delay our plans, he would "joke" that I was seeing someone else or insinuate that there was someone else. I would assure him the best I could that I wasnt interested in anyone else or seeing anyone else and he would just get pass it off as "joking".
One evening, I had an argument with my ex-husband and my mother over holiday decorations my children had made and my mother disowning me, I was very upset and it delayed plans I had with my boyfriend, I attempted to talk to him about it and he totally blew me off. He then accused me of going to "see" my ex. At this point, I had just had enough. I felt like it was coming from all ends - and I ended our relationship. I told him that he obviously didnt trust me and that I didnt need to constantly defend myself to him. He had made himself so available to every other woman who needed a shoulder to cry on, but for me, I get smacked with accusions when I needed his shoulder.
Our break up wasnt peaceful. I told him that it was over, I owed him no more explaination, told him to move on if he wanted - we bickered constantly. I was still madly in love with him, hurt that would lash out at me the way he was and then I started to doubt that he was ever even true to me since all he could do was accuse me of wrong doing.
A couple of months passed and he & I discussed possibly going on a date. Guardedly hopeful, I agreed to go on a date with him, even told him to make it "special". Well, through the grapevine I started hearing about how he was seeing someone else, only saw me as something for "fun", he was never going to settle down, etc.... this wasnt what I wanted in my life, so I canceled our plans (3 weeks before they were set to occur) and really gave no explaination. I admit I was wrong for not explaining myself or explaining the rumors I was hearing.
A few weeks after I canceled our plans, I accepted an inviation from a friend to go out for drinks and dinner one evening. No excuse other than I had to much to drink and was feeling a little down n out... things went WAY to far and resulted in an overnight fling. I was so embarassed that after I left the next morning, I really avoided this man. At that point, I wasnt very happy with the way my life was going and really committed to just working on myself and getting me on track. And that is what I did.
A few months later, my ex-boyfriend found out about this fling and confronted me and wanted to know why I was keeping secrets from him. I told him that I really did not feel it was any of his business and I had no duty or obligation to tell him. He said that because I had made plans to go back out him, he had "hope" we were going to work things out and he had been "saving" himself for me.
We actually had a really good conversation & we mutually agreed to give our relationship another try. He talked about wanting our relationship to grow, he was ready to get married, he wanted to shower me with love and affection and all the things he had neglected when we were together the first time.
I was so hopeful, I adored this man, I have never felt so passionate about anyone before.
We hit the fast forward button and before I knew it - he had moved in. not that I didnt want it, it was just quick. He is also divorced and had lost his house in the divorce and had to move out the house - so we thought why not move in here?
Basically for the last 7 months, life is a bit unstable.
Then, after he has made me feel so horrible that he "saved" himself - I find out he was carrying on an online affair with an ex-girlfriend during the time we together prior to the break up. I decided I would forgive it and I have.

He lost his job and I am now basically supporting him and I front most expenses. Since he has moved in, he has made his displeasure in my fling very obvious. He makes references about it, finds associations with it in the simplist of things and basically has told me that he is afraid to give me the "love and affection" he said he wanted to shower me with b/c he was so angry about the fling, in his words, someone played with his toy. He acts as if I cheated on him, and he constantly throws this up in my face. We argue over it all the time.
Is there anyway to build trust in this relationship? Is ther hope for a healthy relationship here? Advice?
Submitted: 5 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  psychlady replied 5 years ago.

It sounds like you both have made your mistakes. Sometimes when a relationship follows mistakes it is helpful to get assistance from a professional. That is only however if you want this to work. And by working I mean that you accept the mistakes he has made especially the online affair. You would have to resolve feeling betrayed and he would have to resolve his feelings about your one night stand as well. You both have to let this go for the relationship to work. It cannot work if he is going to revisit this issue every day. He can't make you miserable because he can't let it go.


If this partnership doesn't get more peaceful then the prospects are not good. You both have to be committed. See a couples counselor to see if this can be fixed. There has to be trust and consideration or counseling isn't going to be productive. Consult with him to see how dedicated he is. You can't be the only one that is going to compromise and put in the work. He may not be the type to let things go. That is not a good sign.


I would approach him about this and see what he is willing to do. Key points in a relationship have to be developed - trust, communication and mutual respect. If you are the only one motivated then it may be time to move on.


Please press accept; this is the only way I am compensated

Customer: replied 5 years ago.
Relist: Incomplete answer.
Expert:  psychlady replied 5 years ago.
Did you have another question or do you want me to opt out with another expert
Customer: replied 5 years ago.
Relist: Answer quality.