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psychlady, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 6893
Experience:  I have over 16 years experience in treating adults presenting with a variety of relationship issues
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Im going out with a girl for 2 and half years and have being

Customer Question

Im going out with a girl for 2 and half years and have being living together for the last year. Before Christmas i noticed she was not feeling her usual self. When i pressed her on it she said she was missing her family a lot (she is from Brazil, living here in ireland for past 4 years) But she did say she wasnt sure she felt the same about me as she had done in past i.e. she wasnt sure if she still loved me. However after Christmas, i suspected there was more to it than just missing the family, and i asked her if she was feeling this way about me because of someone else, and she admitted there was a guy at work who she felt increasingly attracted to, they had obviously spoken together about it and he said the feeling was mutual. When she told me that i initially thought we were finished as there could be no way back for us if she was having these strong feelings for someone else. Following a lot of heart to hearts and soul baring we decided to take some time off from each other to work out exactly what we both feel about the relationship..and thats what we intend to do now.. Im obviously feeling very insecure now (which i had never felt during the relationship) and powerless (which i had never felt before either) and not sure what to do next.. My pride and mind are telling me that if she is taking this long to deicde whether she wants to be with me longterm then that we are probably not going to work out. She assured me that prior to feeling this way about another person, she always imagined us settling down and starting a family together. So she is not sure why is feeling this way about someone else. I (perhaps naiively) believe her. Just not sure of what to do next..can you help please?
Submitted: 5 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  psychlady replied 5 years ago.

You feel so frantic right now probably due to the fact that you are in limbo. It is very uncomfortable to not know what is going to happen. To add to this you do not really have the control here because she is the one struggling. You know what you want. You have to let her come to her own conclusions as difficult as that is. If you rush her she may do something that isn't the appropriate choice and you could break up further down the line. Or she could decide to move on. Give her space and some time. If she wants to settle down it will happen. You are going to need to invest your time in being patient. You can't do anything until she decides what you want. You can't convince her of what the right choice is. Let her decide.


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Customer: replied 5 years ago.
Fair enough and thanks for your reply, and time is what i am giving her at the moment (even though im unsure of how much time exactly to give her). Ive moved into a friends place for a few days. But to be honest im not sure how long i should leave it hanging in limbo. In my mind im thinking, if she doesnt come to a conclusion sooner rather later it doesnt bode well for the future anyway, if we ever did get back together. Or am i right in thinking that. How long do you think i should i give her? I
nitially, the news broke prior to a planned trip to Barcelona on 30th Dec. At the last minute we both decided to go on the trip as the alternative was to be at home alone and glum. In any case, we went on the trip and while it was very tough at times as we talked at length about what had happened, we also slipped easily back into forgetting about it and laughing with each other (because we generally get on so well).
At the end of the trip, we both came to the conclusion, that we should both take time ( week was mentioned) to come to a conclusion about what we wanted. (even though in the back on my mind, i couldnt possibly contemplate what i wanted, without knowing what she categorically wants first)
I know i would be devastated and so very disappointed if we didnt work out but i also know i'd take some convincing that she would know for sure what she wanted if we did get back together. (afterall she will still be working alongside the other guy)

Ive told no one else (other than my friend who ive moved in with) out of loyalty (i suppose to her) if we ever got back together it would avoid any awkwardness for her or myself. The other reason would be pride i suppose. Either way, im getting to the point where i need to get back in contact with people but unsure of whether to tell them about us or not.

Expert:  psychlady replied 5 years ago.

Don't resume this relationship based on it being awkward or because of what others will think. You both have to make your decision based on what is the right choice for you. You should try to resolve this if your job is at stake. I would give it a few more days. Then approach her with the fact that you can't stay in limbo.


It is great that you aren't telling everyone. If she decides it's over then you just tell others that it didn't work out. If they ask give them a brief reason to settle their curiosity. You don't owe them an explanation.


I would call over the weekend probably Sunday and see if she has thought about this.