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Dr Rossi
Dr Rossi, Licensed Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 4627
Experience:  Certified Hypnotherapist, Author, 13+years of experience.
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My husband and I are currently separated. He had asked for

Customer Question

My husband and I are currently separated. He had asked for a separation almost a year ago, and wanted to do it in the same house. He had been having an affair, and is still with this person.....although I was led to believe it was over. We went away for our anniversary in June, and came home to him telling me it was over and he wasn't leaving her. He has since moved out of the house 'to take time to figure himself out' but moved in with her and her kids. I filed for divorce, but he is now tellign me he does NOT want a divorce, just needs time. Am i crazy to think this could work?
Submitted: 5 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Dr Rossi replied 5 years ago.



"Am i crazy to think this could work?"


Things can work out as long as he's willing to address what is going on. He had given you mixed messages and now you'd want to make sure that he is being honest. It is quite possible that he had realized that he does not have a future with her and her kids and wants to get his life back with you. He would want to tell you how is he going to address what had transpired, own his behavior, come up with ideas about what the two of you should do ex: get counseling, take things slow, have him move back in, etc.

You can decide to trust his words as long as he backs them up with his actions. The two of you would have to talk about what had led to this on his part, what did he expect or want from you and from the marriage in general. What drove him to be unfaithful and to have gone this far. Some of the things may be difficult to hear but he has to be honest with you and with himself. If you believe that he truly wants to work on the marriage and that you can find it in withing yourself to forgive and give him a chance, then it is not crazy to do so.


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Customer: replied 5 years ago.
That's the problem I'm having though. He's starting to say the right things....but still blaming me. I have been to therapy. I KNOW what i did and have owned up to all of it. He just continues to say 'this is your fault...i wouldn't have done this if you had....' and i think the harder part is that he moved in with HER. I think i may find it easier to believe....if he had moved in with family or friends....but he lives with and his world has revolved around her for almost a year!
Expert:  Dr Rossi replied 5 years ago.
He is in denial. His behavior has nothing to do with what you or anyone did. It was his choice and in order for the two to work it out, he has to take responsibility for that. Even though he had moved in with her, their honey mooner's stage sounds like it is over. You just have to stick to your insistence that if he really wants to come back and have a family with you, he has to do his part in it starting with taking ownership of his actions and hurt towards you. It is easier for someone to blame another as he is using that as a defense mechanism to remove the attention from himself onto you.