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I am married to a woman I dated for six years. In the beginning

of our relationship she was...
I am married to a woman I dated for six years. In the beginning of our relationship she was very mean and I always felt like she didnt care for me and was not in love with me. I really loved her so I stayed and eventually she developed feelings for me. She is head over heels in love with me now however I am having problems trying to reconcile my feelings for her. Somewhere along the way I withdrew my feelings a bit because I felt I was giving way more that I was receiving. We are married now but I dont feel the way I used to because I keep thinking of how I was treated in the past and sometimes it makes it difficult for me to love her and treat her the way she deserves to be treated. Please help because I want to be with her but just cant get past how I was treated years ago.
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Answered in 13 minutes by:
1/3/2012
Dr Rossi
Dr Rossi, Licensed Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 4,627
Experience: Certified Hypnotherapist, Author, 13+years of experience.
Verified

Hi,

 

You may be right that in the beginning her feelings for you were different and as a result of it she mistreated you. Yet, you've observed that over time, she had started to change. It may be helpful to deal with the person she is today by realizing and accepting that people make mistakes (including her) She may have mistreated you because of ignorance, testing to see how far you'd allow her to do it, being insecure herself and projecting those feelings onto you, etc. Try to view the past as something that you have still overcome regardless of how she acted towards you. The feelings that you two share had kept you together even during bad situations.

 

If you believe that now she is a different person from when you first met, focus your feelings onto the person that she is today. In order to move on, you'd have to accept her wrongdoing, forgive her and then forgive yourself for having withdrawn your feelings from her. Partners change within a relationship and what makes the relationship strong is the ability of them to handle difficulties and to move forward not by staying stuck.

You would want to monitor your internal dialog because a lot of what you feel relies on the thought process you have. When you catch yourself entertaining negative thoughts or dwelling on the past, redirect your mind onto the present time. At some point you may decide to speak to her about what you're experiencing and what had made you act out one way or another. You're trying to protect yourself because perhaps a part of you still fears that she may return to her old ways, which is understandable.

 

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Customer reply replied 6 years ago
Apart from monitoring my internal dialog what else can I do? This is really affecting my relationship and very recently tried to stay away from her thinking I need a separation to deal with myself and the way I feel. She yearns to be loved, touched etc and sometimes I just can see myself meeting her needs willingly...I almost have to force myself to hug her or touch her. I want to make one thing clear though, I dont hate her. She is a good woman and has always been and we are friends too and I think that is what has kept as over the years. Do you have any more suggestions for me. I want to be home with her instead of spending all my time at work and with friends away from her. I very recently spent the night at a buddys house...

As you change the way you think, your feelings will change. You can start noticing all of the things about her that had initially drawn you to her. Think about what you loved in her, what made you want to be with her. If she is not mistreating you now in any way, your thoughts are what evokes your behavior. You would also want to start doing things differently than what you've done before. When she needs intimacy, think of it as an opportunity to fall in love again with her (the person he is today) Think of things that the two of you can do that foster intimacy and trust. If possible, take some time away from work to be with her. It may be helpful to share a bit with her what you're struggling with and that you're working on it. Working with a professional counselor face to face or someone specializing in NLP (neurolinguistic programming ) are also options that can be helpful. The feelings you're experiencing towards her are self generated and a part of you for some reason is holding onto the past rather than creating the future. That may be not because you hate her (which you said you don't but because of resentment) You would want to be honest with yourself and determine why you hold onto the things she did. Allow yourself to face any answers that come from within and then work on resolving them. This is going to be a process for you as you alter your thinking, your emotions and your behavior as a result of it. You can start practicing autosuggestion (Self hypnosis) to change your thinking and outlook of her. Practicing mindfullness and living in the present moment is another thing that helps individuals change and remain grounded in the now.

 

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NLP techniques along with the other suggestions all of these have to be practiced depending on what you feel comfortable with and what realistic results you're striving to achieve.
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Customer reply replied 6 years ago
Thanks so much Dr. Rossi, I will try all your suggestions. Is there anything my wife can do to help me during this process. I have discussed my feelings with her and so she know what i am struggling with.
She can be helpful by being emotionally supportive (not judging your experiences, listening, offering objective feedback, encouraging you to do things together, working on your communication) You've realized that you want to be together and you're working on this now. If at some point the two of you think working with a counselor or relationship coach would be helpful, its something to explore. Change is possible and with practice (once you find out which techniques are best for you), you can make the needed progress. The past is gone and all you've got is the present moment. You're just working on getting rid of the residue of the past within yourself.
Dr Rossi
Dr Rossi, Licensed Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 4,627
Experience: Certified Hypnotherapist, Author, 13+years of experience.
Verified
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Dr Rossi
Dr Rossi
Dr Rossi, Licensed Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 4,627
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Experience: Certified Hypnotherapist, Author, 13+years of experience.

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