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Dr. Paige
Dr. Paige, Psychologist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1427
Experience:  Ph.D. Licensed Psychologist
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I have a close work relationship with a man who is 9 years

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I have a close work relationship with a man who is 9 years my senior. He's tall, good-looking, nice, sweet, bright, successful and has a good sense of humor. He insists we should work together all the time because he does not like to work with different people everyday. He even suggests we should match our vacation weeks so he can always work with me. We are very compatible at work. He always raves about how good and smart I am, and that makes me feel good although most my co-workers treat me the same way.We get closer over a few years working together and I think we are attracted to each other too. The problem is, he's been married to his college sweetheart for more than 20 years with 3 children, I'm married with 2 kids, my husband is 15 years my senior. We are both considered happily married.I've been thinking about him more and more although I try not to. I grew frustrated and try to hate him or make him hate me. I even screamed at him in front of other co-workers once for a little thing he did, and he still begs me to continue working with him when I suggest we should not work together that much. I have more hot sex with my husband out of this frustration.I feel crazy, trapped. This work relationship is beneficial for my career because he's well-respected in his field and I need it. I want only a work realtionship though, and I don't feel comfortable when there are emotions, but I don't want to lose it.What should I or he do?
Submitted: 5 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Dr. Paige replied 5 years ago.
Hello. It sounds as if you are attempting to do the right thing, but are letting him get in the way. He is the one who says he refuses to work with anyone else, do you have any say in this matter? I know you said that it is beneficial for your career, but if you back off working with him, will it hurt your career? Also, are you "considered" happily married or are you really truly happily married? If you are, then you should be able to control your actions towards another man. You are going to have to learn to balance your feelings for work just being work, and your home life. If you are undoubtably in love with your husband, there is no way that you can allow yourself to feel anything for this man other than a work relationship. If you feel that you need to separate yourself from the work relationship, then do it. Don't just suggest that you work apart and allow him to dictate the situation to you. Unless he is your boss and has control over your job, you should take control of this. I don't know the details of your work situation, but if it comes down to it, is it possible for you to go to a superior and demand for separation of work schedules with this man? You are just going to have to take control of the situation. Put your foot down. If you decide you love your family and have no intentions of ruining it, then you have to do what you have to do in order to make that happen. No one except yourself can make the choice to remain loyal.
Customer: replied 5 years ago.
I really like him as a person and I don't want anything more than friendship. I don't want to cut ties with him. I want to work with him normally like other people at work. I just wonder if it's only me, because he never says or does anything romantically nor gives me a gift.
By the way, he's a surgeon and I'm an anesthesiologist.
Expert:  Dr. Paige replied 5 years ago.
Ok, given what you do for work has something to do with it. He probably really does think you are the best to work with. You have the kind of job where that really does matter. It may be all that it is and it could just be you thinking things that may not be there on his end. I don't see anything wrong with continuing how things are. It sounds as though you are afraid of things that you let your emotions take control of. As long as you have a good marriage and know where you stand with the man you work with, I don't think you have much to worry about. You know the difference between right and wrong and you don't want to jeopardize your marriage. You aren't going to do anything physically to cheat, and if you love your husband, you shouldn't worry about anything emotional. As you said, none of this may even be an issue at all because he hasn't shown you anything to show that any of this might even happen or that he feels anything at all. I don't see anything wrong with what you are going through. It may seem like you feel trapped and crazy sometimes, but if you step back and look at it rationally, you know nothing is happening. When your head starts thinking irrationally, just take a few minutes to put things back into perspective and look at the big picture. Silence that voice that makes you feel emotional.
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