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Dr. Paige
Dr. Paige, Psychologist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1427
Experience:  Ph.D. Licensed Psychologist
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Im Gemma. Married for 15 years currently (for2years now)struggling

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I'm Gemma. Married for 15 years currently (for2years now)struggling with menapose and my sex drive is very low. My husband is very fedup wiith the situation. We have never had the same drive for sex. It is very high on his list of priorities. I have always felt emotionally and psychologically pushed to do more than I would like, but thought that is a compromise that I have to take for the sake of our marriage. Now I'm tired and our relationship is falling apart. He says he is fedup not being desired, and at the samr time he dosen't treat me with love and respect never really had, and does even less to be desired.
We have 2 young children and I would do a lot to mend this family.
Kind Regards,
Submitted: 5 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Dr. Paige replied 5 years ago.
Hello. You are in a tough situation, but you need to talk to your husband about your feelings and work out a compromise. It sounds like if you have done couples therapy, you may have tried this. You sound like you want to save the relationship and not just throw it away and move on, so there is going to have to be a tough road ahead. it is a catch 22 in that he doesn't feel like showing you love and respect and you don't feel like giving yourself to him unless he does this. Something has to give. You both need to sit down and have a talk about what you both expect from each other. It should not all be on you to fix things, you both have to work at it. Make sure he is willing to do this, or else your efforts will not be worth it and you will be wasting your time. If he has given up on the relationship altogether, then it may be very tough and maybe impossible to set things right. You didn't say if you were currently in therapy or if it was something you had tried int he past and what the results were, but in either case, you both need to be equally willing. I know you want to save things, but if he doesn't want to, then you have to consider moving on without him as tough as that may be. You deserve to be loved and respected too, it isn't all about his desires, although he does have a need as well. Find a happy medium.
Customer: replied 5 years ago.
It took me years to realize that no matter how much sex we had he was never totally happy....done all the sex toys etc. it is not as if we stopped making love....he says I'm not affectionate/ physical and never has given any positive feedback .....he doesn't share himself and very critical about everything and everybody. I know I should have been
more thoughtful about how we are but I just couldn't translate my feelings ..... now I know that I have been feeling emotionally and psychologically bullied. Now he had given me an ultimatum that is I have to prove to him that I desire
him.... because he can't take any more 'rejection' . In my opinion we are in this together and despite I have the low sex drive there are other reasons I don't desire him. He simply doesn't put in the effort in everyday life but he feels he is entitled to get what HE wants in bed. If he decide to leave so be it... but I need to be able to say to our children that we have done all we could to save this family. I refuse to be the scapegoat and take the blame for our failed marriage.
It saddens me very deeply that we got where we are and of course that I have part in it but do not want to be blamed for it as it is happening now.
Expert:  Dr. Paige replied 5 years ago.
You have the right attitude, even though this is extremely difficult for you, you are right in that it isn't only about him. If he isn't putting in the effort to help you and the situation as a whole, then you have done all that you can to save the family. It is better for children to see two happy parents who are separated, then two unhappy parents trying to keep it together for the sake of the kids. I see a lot of people who do that and think its healthier to stay together when it isn't. You deserve to be happy and to be loved for who you are and what you provide, not disrespected for what you don't. It sounds to me that you have definitely done your part.
Customer: replied 5 years ago.
Hi there again....
Thank you for reply. To be honest I was expecting a more practical advise.
I don't know how to be with him. We are both uncommunicative, withdrawn and waiting for each other.
We seem to be living in different realms. Sometimes I write to him because it let me to be more objective and I can edit the heated emotional bits out, but he doesn't like me writing and seldom replies.
How do I get him to understand that it cannot be just up to me how our emotional and phisical interraction is going.
Kind Rgrds
ps can I edit my name out from my first letter to you?
Expert:  Dr. Paige replied 5 years ago.
Hello. I do not know how to edit out your name from a post title. As far as practical advice, I cannot tell someone what to do and what not to do. I always try to just steer in the right direction and have my clients figure out what they need to do on their own. If you both are withdrawn and waiting for each other and you are aware of this, then you need to be the one to act. You can't not confront someone with your feelings and keep doing the same things and expect a different result. If you have things you want to say but are afraid to say it, then there is nothing that can be done about that. There is no magic solution which will telepathically convey your thoughts to another person or have him realize how you feel if he just doesn't get it. The way that you get him to understand that it cannot just be up to you, is to tell him. It's as simple as that. You have to be able to speak to him. If you can't express your feelings, then you need to consider who you are with. It is not healthy to be in a relationship with someone you cannot speak to. That is the most basic need in a relationship. As difficult as it is, you may have to admit that this won't work. How long do you want to continue to live like this? You need to make some decisions and weigh your options. Something has to change obviously. You are either going to have to go for it and just tell him everything and make it stick with him, or if you are going to continue to be afraid of him. If you tell him and he still doesn't respond, then what? Then you have another choice to make. You have to take this one step at a time. he is not just going to change overnight because you wish him to. You need action. There really isn't much else I can tell you honestly.
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