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Mark Manley
Mark Manley, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 402
Experience:  Want help with your most important relationships? Licensed Marriage/Family Counselor.
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Hello! Four months ago I met online a girl [22yo] (I am also

Customer Question

Hello! Four months ago I met online a girl [22yo] (I am also a girl [24yo]), who I liked from the first time I saw her on web-cam. We talked a lot and many problematic things came out about her past (abuse from sister, drug addiction (heroine) until she was 19, rape, abortion, suicidal acts, many deaths of loved ones. She told me that since a couple of years ago she decided to completely change her life in the sake of her little brother (11 yo). Got clean of drugs, stop hurting herself, she got also into school again. I admired her courage and her faith. She liked me and I liked her. During the first 3 months we met only twice but we spoke a lot through msn. However, she seemed to have unbreakable walls builded around her. I was patient, because I sensed that she is important. We were surely falling in love. Then after a crisis she got through (someone died and she didn't spoke to me for a week) she took the surprising initiative to spend a couple of days together. We made love and it wasn't just sex. She told me things like this was the first time she felt that way and that I managed to pass through her walls. We met again next week, and the week after. We told each other "I love you". She looked me in a way that could be nothing but honest. I am the first person she felt like this, she trusted like this, she had such great sexual experience. After that I went for 10 days to see my parents to another country. We extremely missed each other. She told me she panicked that I might wouldnt return to her. We arranged to stay together (after I returned) from Wednesday till Sunday New Years (today). Till Friday everything was perfect. Falling even more in love, breaking more walls (she cried in front of me while she never cries in front of other people) and feeling an amazing connection. She told me that she felt at times pressured by her life (having to take care of her little brother as a help to their mother). She has the thoughts at times that she would like to abandon him and live her own life but she feels guilty about it. On Saturday morning the day started bad. She was closed to her self. I thought it had something to do with me because two days before something happened with a personal situation of mine and she saw me crying almost hysterically. Later that day her brother called crying. He needed her. Without any second thoughts she left to her house 2,5 hours away. I was messed up. On the one hand I understood it on the other I felt abandoned while we had already plans. I only told her "I understand but can I come with you". She didn't want me with and I got hurt because I sensed her walls coming back again. She wanted distance. At the train station I was bad. I cried a bit as she was going. She told me she loves me. Later I found out that I wasnt to see her for at least a week more. Felt depressed. When she got home and talked with her brother she old me her bro was afraid that she would die and panicked but he was okay now. But she wasn't okay. She was cold towards me, not wanting us to talk (first time since one month when we became so close) I told her I will give her space and she liked the idea. She left in a short while from msn. She gave me the idea that she put her walls again and this time I will stay out forever. It crushed me. It became worse when I called after 00.00 to wish her a nice year but she canceled my call. She didn't sent me any message wishing me or asking for me. She went to msn and posted "Happy new year" but not a single contact with me (something very unlike of her since when we met and especially since one month ago). I feel I lost her. I am crushed inside because I gave her love and she did too. We became close and she told me she feels happy with me. I am depressed, I can't sleep, my heart is pounding at a very quick rate. I am having small panic attacks over and over again. I don't know what to make out of the situation, what should I do. Erase her and move on? Fight for her? Both painful. Is there a big problem in the whole situation I have described which I havent noticed? Please any advice and thoughts would be highly appreciated.

Wish you the best for the New Year.
Submitted: 5 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Mark Manley replied 5 years ago.
She is going to have a hard time with emotional intimacy. She wants it but she is afraid of it ( it always leads to heartbreak for her). She is frightened and confused. You knew she would have a hard time and she would freak out at times. You must be patient and not freak out yourself. She will be back if she has the courage to risk intimacy and healing. If she comes back there will be many more episodes like this one, and you will need to learn to take them more in stride. She has enough drama and trauma in her life, try not to add to it by becoming fearful. Try to be steady, strong and secure regardless her ups and downs. Give it some time, I think she will be back, if not it's better to know now than latter.

You will be OK with or with out her. She is not the source of your happiness and wellbeing.

Easy does it;

Mark Manley
Customer: replied 5 years ago.
First of all thank you for your answer. I don't understand though why this happened now. Her brother being okay after all didn't make her feel better. Why she freaked out now? Do you believe she is not capable for a steady relationship? How can I "know now than latter" if she will be back? What should be my next step towards her (without suffocating her and without abandoning her? How difficult do you believe this relationship is to work? Thank you.
Expert:  Mark Manley replied 5 years ago.
She is having difficulty knowing how to be there for her brother and have a relationship too. It is easier for her to take care of her brother (she knows he won't abandon her, he needs her too badly) than it is for her to have a mutual relationship. She is afraid that any one who truly knows her will leave her. This crises with her brother put her into overload. Give her some time ( a couple of days) and then gently reassure her that you are there and that you care. This will be a very difficult relationship because of her baggage and immaturity but you must follow your heart not the difficulty factor. Only time will tell if she is intimacy averse or intimacy allergic. If she is only allergic she will have periodic meltdowns but she will come back. If you can't handle this behavior you are in the wrong relationship. I suggest you give it some time and see how it goes. Sorry I can't tell you her future and your future together, I know you would feel better if you could know what was going to happen.

Sincerely, Mark
Customer: replied 5 years ago.
Thank you again for your answer - you have a great insight. I really want to be with her. She is a great person with many good qualities and I would love to be a part of her life. I am important to her and I know. She made huge steps while she was with me, she overcame several intimacy fears that she didn't do with other people. She told me that no one has been closer to her as I have been. She has never even fallen in love like this. How do you interpret that? Is this a good step, hope-giving, or it might be just something that easily will go away? And finally, is there a trick or way for me to not freak out with all this? Thank you.
Customer: replied 5 years ago.
Relist: Other.
The answers are good but they feel not complete to me. I still have unanswered questions.
Customer: replied 5 years ago.
Relist: Other.
The answers are good but they feel not complete to me. I still have unanswered questions.