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Ask Rev.Dr. August Abbott Your Own Question
Rev.Dr. August Abbott
Rev.Dr. August Abbott, Clergy
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 7626
Experience:  Ordained minister: Counselor (spiritual/life)
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Ive been dating a man 65 yrs old, Im 59 for 9 months. He

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I've been dating a man 65 yrs old, I'm 59 for 9 months. He has told me I am the love of his life. Recently His ex-wife was deeply depressed. He is a retired doctor. He felt he needed to help her through the series of electro-shock therpy sessions. She has no friends to help, so he put her up at his house. I tried to be very understanding, but as his stress with the situation increased, he took the angre out on me. On the 22nd of Dec he told me he needed to be with his family (not her..just his brothers) for Xmas. I said I understood, although I was disappointed and to call me later in the evening. That evening, he called and just gave me an ugly list of what was wrong with our relationship recently, that he did not want to see me or talk to me, if I wanted to talk to him I could call after New Years (that is when his ex-wife is supposed to be done with the treatments). I haven't hear from him since. I believe he has broken up with me although he did not say it. I know he has been under unbelieveable stress (he also suffers from OCD) He is the first man I can really say that I fell in love with, but refuse to be anyone's whipping boy. I still have a few things at his house which I would like back. Should I still just wait a few more weeks to let things cool/de-stress. I do not want to be the first one to call, but I would like my things back. My first reaction is to pull back and not get hurt. Your advise is most welcome.
Submitted: 5 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Rev.Dr. August Abbott replied 5 years ago.
-- What a very sad event to happen at this time of year. Not that it happening at any time would be easier, but I'm sure that this isn't what you had in mind when anticipating this holiday season 9 months ago.

I can make excuses just as you have about his stress levels, but we all have stressors in our lives and we don't all behave badly, hurting the ones we love and should be protecting from pain

You have two choices here: Give him a chance to make this up to you, AFTER you remove your things and vow that if anyone is going to call anyone it should be him calling you and him making this up to you.

Or you can retrieve your things and what's left of your pride and shake him and HIS laundry list of bad traits off like a bad dream.

You shouldn't be anyone's whipping post and if you allow this to happen even once, chances are it will happen again. If you 'give permission' for this sort of treatment now, it's nearly impossible to withdraw that permission later.

As for getting your things, it would be better and less emotional if you ask him to package them up and arrange a date and time that you'll be by to take them. He should not be there. Or you can arrange for a friend to pick them up for you. There's just no reason to get into discussions or agonizing feelings while trying to gracefully withdraw.

I admire that you recognized his inappropriate behavior right away and that you have enough self respect to say to yourself 'this is not allowable'.

Perhaps when he understands that you have this self respect and will not sacrifice your dignity for any person, that maybe you are the right one for him.

The real question is "is he the right one for you" ?

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