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Ask MrsRuss0114 Your Own Question
MrsRuss0114, LCSW
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 215
Experience:  B.A.Psychology, MSW, LCSW, HS-BCP; 8+ yrs experience.
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I feel dumb around my boyfriend cause hes so smart and wants

Resolved Question:

I feel dumb around my boyfriend cause he's so smart and wants to have intelligent conversations with me, what do I say?
Submitted: 5 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  MrsRuss0114 replied 5 years ago.

Russ0114 : Hello and thank you for choosing just answer, I look forward to assisting you.
Russ0114 : You should talk with him about the things that you know, by doing so, you can converse with confidence.
Russ0114 : You can also research things that he's interested in which can give you talking points as well.

The long distance relationship has been so stressful that I have been too depressed to seem interested or really try. I have no motivation. Okay, he is visiting for 4 days right now, I'm at work tonight and will pick him up in the morning. I don't know what to say to find out direction?

Russ0114 : Why is it that you don't feel confident? Does your boyfriend make comments that make you feel "dumb?"

....of the relationship.

Russ0114 : Ok, so you feel like due to the distance there is a strain on the relationship do I have that right?

not necesarily, he's just really smart, he's also asian and an orphan. I don't have a career, he always says "you can do what ever you want to do Carey, I want you to."


yes you're right. I feel like because of all my emotional and mental stress of thinking "how is this going to work...his family doesn't like me...etc... that I have a lot of mental blockage that is keeping me from maturing mentally and progressing in general in my life.

Russ0114 : I think your anxiety about making this relationship work is causing you to be much harder on yourself than need be.
Russ0114 : Pit sounds like your boyfriend sees your potential and will support you in whatever you decide to do.
Russ0114 : Sorry, pit should be It

I agree! What do I do? I also have trust issues with him because of two incidents. One last year (he was dating me and another girl to decide which one he truly wanted to be serious about, neither of us knew...long story.) One this year because I wouldn't stop fighting with him to make things happen. He's very slow with it all, and well I'm 31.... I just don't know what's stopping him other than his family... yet, he is here, this week. I had nothing planned for us to do... I've really failed him.


He is a huge advocate of family ties, I am not as much because of my family background. Him leaving his family during the holiday season for a woman is big.

Russ0114 : With that said, I think you should focus more on building your confidence in general which will help you to be more confident in your relationship. And you can start by setting very small goals, they can be whatever you want them to be. When you start to achieve those goals, that helps boost your confidence and sel-esteem which will then help you to set larger goals and this may give you the push you need to see some progression in your life and relationship.

I just feel like a failure... and since last year I have difficulty respecting him because of him disrespecting me after I told him my entire past and he continued dating us both and not revealing it. I want to trust him, he is truly trying. We're 17 hours apart driving, we've been together 2 years next May.

Russ0114 : I think if you really want to be with him and it sounds like he wants to be with you as evidenced by him leaving his family to come be with you during this time, asking him to sit down to talk with you may be the key. Now, to begin that discussion you should share with him just what you've shared with me, that because of those two incidents you are really battling with trust and as a result, it's causing you much anxiety about the direction of your relationship.
Russ0114 : What you're feeling is completely normal due to him not being open and honest with you during that incident.

I want to be confident but I am scared... why am I so scared? I think I'm truly hung up on past relationships and sins... I've been cheated on by previous boyfriends and it made me so angry that I stopped caring and had relations with the wrong type of men, now I'm so afraid I'll reap what I sowed. I am afraid to mess up at all

Russ0114 : With all of those things considered, I think a more important question which only you can answer is, is this relationship for you.

I've really stopped trying altogether. I barely work, eat or sleep. I lay around with tension in my chest near my heart and barely get anything done.

Russ0114 : I think all of the negatives of your past relationship(s) have really scarred you and that is preventing you from moving forward.
Russ0114 : Now, I realize that this is easier said than done and that it won't happen overnight but you have to take your power back.

That was not me 3 years ago. I've also been told I may be dealing with hormone issues since I hit my 30s. I'm not sure if all this is more due to hormones, past, the relationship or all three or two of them... or... How do I get my power back?

Russ0114 : You have become a victim from all of your negative relationships and in essence those men are continuing to hurt you still.
Russ0114 : It sounds to me like it's more your past and past relationships. You have to take yourself back to where you were before you got to this point.
Russ0114 : What types of things did you do, how did you feel, what did you do to feel that way.
Russ0114 : Where did your confidence come from, what made you happy, what made you feel sexy
Russ0114 : And you have to bring those elements back into your life little by little (small goals)

I journaled, prayed, sang, played my instruments, exercised a lot, ate well, slept, enjoyed family, writing.... yet out of all that I still don't have a career or good paying job. That is VERY stressful for me, it's only 3 days a week and I live alone. My other job is also 8 hrs per week. It's causing me stress, I know I'm not measuring up to him or to myself. I don't know where to start.


To be honest I don't feel sexy, I feel dirty. I have a physical problem that is permanent yet it has not been active for going on 6 years now.


Since then I feel less worthy of true love.

Russ0114 : You start by looking at why don't you have a career or a good paying job and to do that, you have to really take some time to really reflect on what it is that you want to do.

My boyfriend and I don't match as much in spiritual maturity which also bothers me a bit and he knows that.

Russ0114 : What things are you good at, what do you enjoy, what are your strengths and how do they translate into a job; meaning are your strengths a set of skills that would be ideal for a particular type of occupation.

I'm afraid when he goes back it will get even harder and I will give up or worse he will. He has tried to twice.


I am a people person all the way, but I really do NOT like sales or customer service.


I can't take the distance with him anymore, I am speaking the truth no matter how much I love him, it's just not healthy for me. I need to be close.

Russ0114 : I suggest looking online and doing some of those occupational questionares and see what options you get.
Russ0114 : With regard to your relationship, it sounds to me that there are a lot of personal matters that you have to work on before you can truly be comfortable in a romantic relationship.
Russ0114 : If you don't feel worthy of yourself, your mate isn't going to be able to give you what you think you need because you'll have this guard up and won't be able to receive it.
Russ0114 : Especially with this particular relationship considering the distance and your trust issues.

I always do very well when I'm single, I don't have to worry of what someone thinks of me. I feel I have to get through this while I'm in the relationship for once instead of freaking out on him and he leaves me.-that's what happened in the past 2 relationships.

Russ0114 : Then I think you need to take all of the things that you do when you're single and that confidence that you have, you need to tap into those when in a relationship.

Not sure how to transition that, it's like I'm missing a link.


Some of this has helped. I hope I won't be charged for every reply...

Russ0114 : No you won't, you'll only be charged for our entire interaction.
Russ0114 : In response,

the 23$ right?

Russ0114 : I think it's going to be key for you to take maybe one or two of those things that you know helped you feel confident when you were single and set those as your small goals to work on and make a conscious effort to work on it daily u til you've accomplished it and are able to move on to the next.

I just don't understand why he isn't doing all he can to get us closer. I don't believe he'll move here. I'm afraid to move there. Dont even know where to start with that if I wanted to.

Russ0114 : Whatever the $ amount you listed that you'd be willing to pay for the assistance.

I see

Russ0114 : You start by having a very frank, open and honest conversation with him.
Russ0114 : Communication is key, all of it.

He is not an initiater of conversations, or very open

Russ0114 : You should start back journalist if you aren't already doing so. In addition to that, make a list of the top 5 things you want to accomplish within the next year that way you can try to focus on some particular things versus trying to tackle everything at once.



I will try


I need to get back to working real soon

Russ0114 : Feel free to request to speak with me in the future if need be.

Good night

Russ0114 : I wish you the best. And if you found our interaction tonight helpful, please press accept. Positive feedback is appreciated.
Russ0114 : Goodnight.
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