Thank you for your response which seems right on target, but I don't know that we have years. Sorry for the novel, but to reach someone that has done this is amazing !
Her Dad and I are both children of divorce and our parents handled things so poorly.
Putting us in the middle, no concern for geographic location, etc. We never did this to them, so handling things poorly must be the way to go. Somehow we learned empathy. I know divorce is divorce, but SD was my maid of honor and told me I was the best SM in the world last Christmas.
Crying now. It all started when she had a blow up with her mother and moved everything in to live with us full time. She never wanted to speak to her again and even blocked her from Facebook. Oh my ! We gave her space and consoled her mother.(Btw, we do not do Wastebook. We give kids their privacy. We don't hover. Mom calls her at college (away now) every day.)
She had fun and laughed the whole week.Then said she talked to her Mom and she was going back because it was 10 minutes closer to college. I dropped off a couple of things she forgot that she asked me for and that was that. We were the ones her Mom called to handle every emergency when she was growing up because she "could not handle it "and now we are shut out. I signed up for the extended family thing when I met my husband and did things like stay with my SD at her Mom's house until three in the morning when her sister was having a baby so my SD would get a good night's sleep for school and Mom could not make it back to pick her up. She was somewhat rebellious and the incidents we were called to handle and I mean every one of them !!! When SD was 14, Mom called me to say SD wanted to move in with my mother seven states away. Even when she moved out of Mom's in January, Mom also called in a panic that she did not know what to do. Why couldn't she do this to us for a week and her mother for 11 months ? I never care what people think, but my heart is broken when people ask about her and all I can say is she doesn't contact us. Sobbing now. This has aged my husband so much and it brings up the one thing I am terrified of. If something should happen to her Dad before she wakes up, it will ruin her life. Guilt will be with her from then on. That I am certain of because she loves him very much and knows he raised her from an infant. He would never have chosen divorce for his child. It was forced on him. What were you thinking when you put your parents through this agony ? Did you think they would be around forever ? She knows he has chronic physical pain. How can she be so cruel ? Also, did you just say oh hi there when you came back ?
Should we stop all contact or keep up the every other month thing ?
I always tried to step back and let Dad & SD have time together, but she usually asked where I was and when would she see me again. Should I send her an it is OK and I understand if you realize you did not ask for a step parent email, but you do need a Dad? Should her Dad write a letter to her that I can give her in case anything happens ?
I lost my Dad suddenly in my 20s and there was a lot of unfinished business and not too much to hang on to, so you see I have experienced this pain even without shutting him out. Please tell me as much as you can remember. We never wanted to hurt our parents even though they hurt us, so it is very hard for us to understand. We tried so hard to never make her burdened with adult decisions and the type of pain we endured.
This must have been a mistake because now we are in the worst pain of our lives . . .