Hi Mark, it's been awhile so a few things have happened since I last wrote to you.
My GF has not gotten any easier to live with, but I did set up an appointment for myself with a therapist. I hopefully have found a therapist who is all of the things you recommended (you said ‘someone who is OK with your sexual orientation and who won't freak out about your abusive relationship and demand that you leave your partner as a condition of working with you. Also someone who can understand and deal with ADHD')
I think I have a lot to figure out...like why do I keep putting up with things like bruises and black eyes, and maybe worse some of the stuff she says to me? A big part of me would like to leave but a bigger part I think is afraid to do that. For one thing I don't know how she will react, and for another I do rely on her for a lot, as much as I hate that about myself. She could, just, get really out of hand and I'm not sure I'm ready for that. Do I need a protective order? I don't know. What I do know is that I have no support from my mom who doesn't think I should ever have been in this relationship to begin with...since I'm going to hell for being gay.
I think I have a lot of questions about everything but I'm not sure I'm expressing them very well to you...I'm just feeling really confused right now, about my future, about everything, maybe overwhelmed too...And I do know that when I am feeling overwhelmed I tend to do nothing as opposed to try to do something to help myself. On a more positive note, now that I am being compliant with the Adderall, as my doctor says, and have been for a while I have had no desire to drink again in spite of all this...
Am I making sense or just rambling now?