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Dr. Paige
Dr. Paige, Psychologist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1427
Experience:  Ph.D. Licensed Psychologist
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my husband had a brief affair this summer. he is home now but

Customer Question

my husband had a brief affair this summer. he is home now but we still havent talked about what happened, which i admit is partly my fault, i told him i wanted to start over from the time he returned home. that was going well for a while but the longer he is home the more i want to know the causes of the affair tell him how i feel etc. I constantly think about it and i can feel im putting a wedge between us.I cant seem to get the courage to tell him i want to talk or just talk and now i find my self making snide "jokes" about it.....HELP... how do i open my mouth i know i want a change and if we cant talk it will never happen!
Submitted: 5 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Dr. Paige replied 5 years ago.
When you say you admit its partly my fault, do you mean the affair itself or the fact that you haven't discussed it? I'm guessing as your question continues, you mean about the discussing it part. I know it sounds easy, but you just have to do it. You must make it a priority to talk about it. If it will help you, you can prepare for the conversation with writing down some things to use. Write down what you want to know from him and even though you know your feelings, write those down to. Take the paper with you and let him know that you need to sit down to discuss this to get some closure. If you have been together for 16 years and he is regretful for his actions and wants to fix things with you, he will respect you enough to have this conversation. If you still feel that you can't talk about it, then use the writing idea to write him a note. Explain to him that you are having some difficulty in sitting down and verbally expressing yourself and that you would like for him to read your note and respond to it either verbally, or even ask him to write one back if you have difficulty with the verbal part of it. Regardless, an affair is NOT your fault. It is the fault of the person who did the actions. If you feel it is your fault, then you need to work on that part of yourself. It is NOT you fault. If you both had some marriage issues then you both need to work on those things specifically, but if you do feel any blame for this, you should not. You didn't specify that he was 100% about starting over and working things out with you to fix this and move on. Are you positive that this is his goal as well?
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Customer: replied 5 years ago.
I really dont know when he was away with her he led me to believe he was with his father and we were working things out. When he was away i told him that i knew we were having problems and take some time dont come home just because we have kids they will always be your children. when he did come home he didnt want to give up his " friendship" with her, until she blocked him from face book.He told me i guilted him in to coming home when honestly i dont feel like i did...yes i was supportive of the fact that he wasnt happy, i wasnt either. I feel like im his second choice since she didnt want to continue a friendship with him..I heard him tell her he gave up everything to be with her and that he hated me.... told his friend she was like a drug and he is hear only for the kids( this was all when he first returned in he tells me he loves me but how can he go from hating me and being in love with someone this? i guess im confused!
Expert:  Dr. Paige replied 5 years ago.
Ok, there are definitely more issues here. You both need to decide that this marriage is where you want to be before you begin working on something that may not work anyways. Are you 100% sure you want to be with a man who did this to you? Does it seem like he wanted this other woman, but she rejected him so he went back to you out of obligation more so than true love? You may want to think about this in the big picture instead of just the affair by itself. I know you have been together a long time, but if you are not happy, you need to consider this entire relationship. Do not stay together just for the kids. It is worse for kids to see a dysfunctional relationship than one where both parents are happy people, even if they are apart. Maybe it is you who needs to take some time away in order to see things more clearly. Do you really want to be with him? Does he really want to be with you? If you can't answer both of those with a definite 'yes' then maybe it is time to think about some other situation. You deserve to be happy. You should not stay with someone for any other reason other than you are in love with them and you both respect each other.

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