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my husband had a brief affair this summer. he is home now but

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we still havent talked about...
my husband had a brief affair this summer. he is home now but we still havent talked about what happened, which i admit is partly my fault, i told him i wanted to start over from the time he returned home. that was going well for a while but the longer he is home the more i want to know the causes of the affair tell him how i feel etc. I constantly think about it and i can feel im putting a wedge between us.I cant seem to get the courage to tell him i want to talk or just talk and now i find my self making snide "jokes" about it.....HELP... how do i open my mouth i know i want a change and if we cant talk it will never happen!
Submitted: 6 years ago.Category: Relationship
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Answered in 11 minutes by:
12/6/2011
Counselor: Dr. Paige, Psychologist replied 6 years ago
Dr. Paige
Dr. Paige, Psychologist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1,427
Experience: Ph.D. Licensed Psychologist
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When you say you admit its partly my fault, do you mean the affair itself or the fact that you haven't discussed it? I'm guessing as your question continues, you mean about the discussing it part. I know it sounds easy, but you just have to do it. You must make it a priority to talk about it. If it will help you, you can prepare for the conversation with writing down some things to use. Write down what you want to know from him and even though you know your feelings, write those down to. Take the paper with you and let him know that you need to sit down to discuss this to get some closure. If you have been together for 16 years and he is regretful for his actions and wants to fix things with you, he will respect you enough to have this conversation. If you still feel that you can't talk about it, then use the writing idea to write him a note. Explain to him that you are having some difficulty in sitting down and verbally expressing yourself and that you would like for him to read your note and respond to it either verbally, or even ask him to write one back if you have difficulty with the verbal part of it. Regardless, an affair is NOT your fault. It is the fault of the person who did the actions. If you feel it is your fault, then you need to work on that part of yourself. It is NOT you fault. If you both had some marriage issues then you both need to work on those things specifically, but if you do feel any blame for this, you should not. You didn't specify that he was 100% about starting over and working things out with you to fix this and move on. Are you positive that this is his goal as well?
Dr. Paige
Dr. Paige, Psychologist
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Customer reply replied 6 years ago
I really dont know when he was away with her he led me to believe he was with his father and we were working things out. When he was away i told him that i knew we were having problems and take some time dont come home just because we have kids they will always be your children. when he did come home he didnt want to give up his " friendship" with her, until she blocked him from face book.He told me i guilted him in to coming home when honestly i dont feel like i did...yes i was supportive of the fact that he wasnt happy, i wasnt either. I feel like im his second choice since she didnt want to continue a friendship with him..I heard him tell her he gave up everything to be with her and that he hated me.... told his friend she was like a drug and he is hear only for the kids( this was all when he first returned in august...now he tells me he loves me but how can he go from hating me and being in love with someone else...to this? i guess im confused!
Counselor: Dr. Paige, Psychologist replied 6 years ago
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