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Suzanne, Therapist, LCSW
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 919
Experience:  Experienced in treating trauma, relationship issues, co-dependency
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Think I should move on? Ive liked a guy for over 5yrs now.

Resolved Question:

I've liked a guy for over 5yrs now. We're not close friends anymore as our friendship turned more intimate and things got complicated. When we met he had a girlfriend, but he broke up with her and I thought it was because he was staring to have feelings for me. I thought he was going to ask me to be his girlfriend. He knew I liked him alot, but it seemed like that made things worse. He'd see me around campus and just start teasing me, in front of people for no reason. But than when we were alone he'd be really shy when it was just the two of us and never forced anything on me and he'd even start to open up. After uni we stopped talking for a year. Recently, we started talking again, mainly flirting and after another year of flirting, things moved up a gear as we slept toegether. Throughout university he knew my views on relationships and how I give my all to one person. He would said that was one thing he really loved about me; my loyalty as well as his physical attraction to me. He knew it was a massive deal for me to lose my virginity to him. (Seeing as it took over 4years to do) When we last spoke a few months after we slept together, he told me to get in contact more which I did, but than he didnt respond to my call or text. I guess I'm just confused as to why he won't tell me anything about his feelings and why he's ALWAYS blown hot and cold with me. I dont know if he's seeing other girls but than why can't he just leave me alone than. If I'm so 'over-dramatic' and 'too nice' as he puts it, why treat me like any other girl.

I'm always open with him about my feelings, why can't he be the same?

Submitted: 5 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Suzanne replied 5 years ago.

Thank you for bringing your question to Just Answer!

The thing to understand about men is that they can separate sex and affection easily. They also enjoy challenges, which is why being "too nice" is one of the top ways women de-value themselves in men's eyes.

You seem to think that because he flirts and sleeps with you, there's a relationship or that he has feelings for you. That's a woman's definition, but not a man's.

He doesn't leave you alone because you give him sex, and men will take that when offered. However, it doesn't indicate anything about his feelings. You state you give your all when in a relationship, but it sounds like there was no acknowledged relationship here, just some flirting and sex.

It's important for women not to sleep with men before they know if there's a true relationship, as the hormone oxytocin is released in women when they have sex, and it causes them to bond to the man, even if he's not appropriate for them. Here's a couple of articles that explain this phenomenon:

behind falling in love

"Cuddle" hormone

Going forward, it's important for you to get some information about how the male mind works.

Here are two books you should read:

The first is Temptations of the Single Girl This
book should be required reading for women before they start to date. The
"temptations" are thinking that we can change a man or his behavior, settling
for a man who doesn't want a commitment when we really want marriage or a serious relationship, and wasting time with the wrong man because we're afraid to be alone.

The second is Why Men Love Bitches: From Doormat to Dreamgirl - A Woman's
Guide to Holding Her Own in a Relationship.

Reading and taking to heart the information in these books will save you a lot of heartache in your dating life.

It is absolutely time to "move on" from this guy. He's given you no indication of interest, and has told you why he's not interested. It doesn't get any clearer than that. And if your emotional energy is tied up with him, you'll not be likely to meet someone new. Read the books, realize that men only value what they have to work for, and put your attention to the future and a man you'll meet who can't wait to spend time with you, and who's ready to commit to a relationship.

Suzanne and other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you