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psychlady, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 6893
Experience:  I have over 16 years experience in treating adults presenting with a variety of relationship issues
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My boyfriend has always had the reputation of being a "ladies

Customer Question

My boyfriend has always had the reputation of being a "ladies man". He cheated on every past girlfriend he's ever had, and he's messed around with a lot of women after his relationships ended. He says I'm different, yet when I asked him if his exes ever confronted him with cheating, what would he say, and he's told me "I would say no". We had an argument a few months ago, and the following night he contacted a girl who he was once intimate with. She is still trying to get with him physically. Although nothing happened in the convo, he still admitted he knew what he was doing and he knew it was wrong. A few months later I caught him talking to girls he met online. They were sending him naked pictures of them, and he was responding saying some pretty dirty things. Things he would say to me during sex. Once I found out I was crushed, heartbroken, devastated. He knew how badly he messed up, yet I still took about a week of space from him. I still loved him, and I missed him terribly. I talked to him and said give me a reason to stay, so he's been trying to work on that. Since that horrible incident I haven't caught him doing anything since; but the lack of trust I have for him is destroying me. Although he hasn't physically cheated on me, he emotionally did. I want to get over it and trust him, but there's nothing that's helping. He can't even sit down and talk to me to listen to how I feel. I want to be with him and have a happy healthy relationship but I just feel like I can't get over the trust issues. What do I do? we're both 18.
Submitted: 5 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  psychlady replied 5 years ago.

It sounds like he has a pattern of hurting women and that is hard to change. That is why you feel that trust is an issue. Trust should be an issue in this case. He has to learn how to be in a relationship and he hasn't done that. All of his cheating has avoided a healthy relationship. He has proven already that he doesn't know how to function in a healthy relationship. You can model that for him but if he is going to destroy trust it won't work. He has to be 100% totally committed to a relationship. You have to decide as the partner if that is possible. He's says you are different but he has to show it in his behavior. Words are cheap!


Trust is going to be an issue for quite a while. However if you think it is worth it to pursue this relationship then things could work out. You could have a short stay with a couples counselor to help you both commit to this. If you prefer self help then get the Mars and Venus series for communication.


Talk to him about what he needs to get it together. Decide if that is possible. Consider that you are very young but if you want different things. He has to want it


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Customer: replied 5 years ago.
what can I say and do where it doesn't seem like I'm attacking him, but still getting my point across?
Expert:  psychlady replied 5 years ago.
Discuss how you are fearful due to his history and don't want to get hurt. Stress that you don't want to get hurt because then it's about you. Tell him that you want a healthy relationship and want someone you can count on. The more you talk about you the better. That reduces defensiveness
Customer: replied 5 years ago.
The only problem with me talking to him about serious things that are hurting me is that he doesn't really get into the convo because he thinks he's doing something wrong always. He feels like such a horrible person so much of the time that he believes it and acts like it. He feels bad, and he wants to change, he just doesn't know how. Sometimes I feel like I don't get enough attention and that basically puts the whole "he's cheating". I know he loves me and doesn't want to hurt me, but he just doesn't know how to show it and I don't know how to talk to him without feeling like I'm putting him down, when he is trying hard. I just always think back to him cheating.
Expert:  psychlady replied 5 years ago.

Then he has some work on self esteem to do. You can't do that for him so it will be difficult to address him. He needs to see a therapist so that he doesn't personalize everything you say. He is going to feel that you are putting him down if he feels like a horrible person. If you are insecure as well then you may think he is cheating because you are applying your own thoughts to a situation. He may benefit from a therapist and the therapist can bring you in to process your insecurities or his cheating so that you can both communicate better.


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Customer: replied 5 years ago.
I'm concerned though that he won't do therapy. He is in fact only 18 years old
Expert:  psychlady replied 5 years ago.
He is old enough for therapy at any age. If he isn't committed then nothing will change. He has to decide what he wants more - to be happy or to let someone help him. Sometimes it's almost that simple. Present him with the facts most of which is that he is unhappy. You can't make him do anything
Expert:  psychlady replied 5 years ago.

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