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Dr. Paige
Dr. Paige, Psychologist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1427
Experience:  Ph.D. Licensed Psychologist
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Im really in a rut. A short while ago, I had lost all hope

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I'm really in a rut. A short while ago, I had lost all hope for a romantic partner that fits what I need. I've fully started focusing on the professional part of my life to make up for this. I had 2 really bad long term relationships, one of which ended in a broken engagement. I'm 27 and its depressing when all I can find is divorced mothers out there in my age group. I'm a mature professional adult that has not made mistakes in life giving me a failed marriage or a mother to a child I'm no longer with. Is it bad that I want someone like that? I want a family, I want my own kids, and I want to have a life long partnership with their mother. Out of the blue one day, at work, our psychologist starts talking. Shes a 31 year old, never been married, no kids, very pretty girl. Above all, she is extremely smart. She seemed semi interested at first, and very interested when she asked to exchange numbers so we could do something that weekend. I was very excited about it. We went out and had some wine and a great night. Both of us had too much to drink and I ended up waking up next to her at her apartment. We fooled around, but we didn't have sex. We talked a little about it and she explained that she has some serious relationship issues but she did want to date again. It seems how she has been dealing with her issues for the past 6 years is going on vacations to whatever country she can think of, she finds a guy, makes a small connection, has sex with him, then keeps him as a friend in the states that she can visit for small pockets of intimacy. She had several of these guys that she told me about. I didn't think that was that serious at first. I figured she was just doing "her thing" until she found someone to anchor down with. We continued dating for a few weeks and it was going great. I actually could see myself being with her very long term. Then she told me she was booking a trip out of state to visit one of her "old friends." She even explained that she felt obligated to tell me because things would most likely get intimate and she wanted to "show respect" for me even though we were not in a serious relationship. I thought about it and I really had a problem with this. Why would someone do something so disrespectful to someone while trying to start a new relationship? I confronted her about it and she canceled the trip. I was quite shocked when she said she really did like me and didn't want something like that coming between us. A week later she drops casually into conversation that she rebooked the trip. This happened after I confronted her about avoiding me for a week. She didn't want to do anything, she was always busy. She said she was trying to distance herself to show respect because she knew I didn't like the idea of the trip. I was quite hurt and stupid, I tried to be the nice understanding guy that I usually am. I woke up the next morning sick to my stomach about it. I finally told her I just couldn't have respect for someone who didn't respect themselves. It got heated and I said some "mean" but extremely honest things. I told her I wanted to see where this goes and I was extremely disappointed she would just throw it all away for habits that have only left her alone and miserable (especially during the holiday season which she explained herself). We stopped talking, and sadly she ended up canceling the trip anyway. I'm not sure if it was the things I said, or other circumstances. Now my problem is I can't get her out of my head. Except for the imperfections, it was so perfect. We had so much in common and both felt and saw the chemistry. Was I wrong in what I did? What do I do now? I just hate feeling hopeless again.
Submitted: 5 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Dr. Paige replied 5 years ago.
Hello. You were certainly not wrong in telling her your honest feelings. It seems that she has a lot of self esteem issues within herself. The fact that she did cancel the trip the first time and has still hung around shows that she does have some feelings for you and may want to work on this as well but she may be afraid. She obviously has some issues from her past and if she feels for you, she should be willing to work on these things. It seems as though overall you both have had a good start to this and it is worth working on. You are completely in the right for putting your feelings out there to her. You always should be honest in a relationship. I think you need to contact her and sit down and have a calm talk about this. You have already explained how you feel, but do it again and make sure she understands how serious you are about wanting to make this work and that you deserve for her to be honest with you. You mentioned that she booked the trip initially because you both were not in a "serious" relationship. So what would make it a serious relationship to her? And if she were in a serious relationship, how would she handle her out of country "friends" from that point on? Is she looking for a long term relationship, kids, marriage, all of the things that you want? I think that at the bottom of this is fear on her part stemming from self confidence issues she may have. You are right to fight for this potential relationship and you are also right for putting all of your feelings out there for her. You deserve to have respect. Keep communication open with her and see about talking things through. If she isn't willing to commit to you, as painful as it is, you will have to move on and find someone who is.
Customer: replied 5 years ago.
I have absolutely no idea how to do that. One problem is that we work together (bad idea from the start). She told me she wants the same things, she would ask questions about whether my parents were still together, and if I thought they would make good grandparents. She seems to want to get out of where she is but is too much of a coward to allow herself a chance. I was pretty hurt when it played out like it did, so when I shut her out I was pretty brutal. I told her that I wouldn't even keep a friend that had so little self respect for herself. I think I stung deep, and I might have been lashing out a little. I don't even know where to begin to start a discussion with her. We talk at work and its purely professional. Even if I was lashing out, nothing I said was untrue. It was just so good to go out with someone I could actually see being with. I go out all the time, but that hasn't happened like that in at least 7 years. Did I screw it up? How do you suggest fixing it? and/or getting over it?
Expert:  Dr. Paige replied 5 years ago.
The only way to fix it is to talk with her about it. I don't think you screwed everything up, but people react to things differently and its hard to say what she is thinking. Maybe just give it some time right now and see what happens next, naturally. I know it would be hard, but just go about things normally and see if she approaches you about things. It will be difficult for you to get over it quickly and painlessly if you have to see her everyday at work, so be prepared for that. I don't think that your lash out was as bad as you view it. Of course, I wasn't there, but even married couples who have been together for a very long time have arguments where they say bad things to each other. If you were being honest, that is a good thing at the beginning of a relationship. What she was doing as far as traveling around to meet these guys is a pretty rude thing for her to do while you were starting a relationship. I'm not sure any other approach would have gotten your point across. You have to decide if this is worth pursuing at this point. Having to see her every day will be a big challenge as you already know. It is going to come down to a conversation with her regardless. If you are concerned with how to handle that, you can do that on your own time, but if you still think of her in a way other than co-workers, it will be the elephant in the room until it is handled.
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