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Cathy, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1436
Experience:  Ms, MS.Ed., thirty years clinical practice
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I have been married for about a year now, but before I got

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I have been married for about a year now, but before I got married to my husband there were issues with our sex life, but I thought that they would eventually work themselves out. My husband is 29 years old, and since I have known him he has had issues with ED. During dating engagement and now our marriage it seems that the ED is getting worse. He finally spoke to a Dr. about his ED and was prescribed viagra, but now he seems to need more and more of the medication to make love to me. Our relationship feels like a great friendship, I would love to have that passionate side to it, but the longer the issue with the ED goes on, the less I think we will ever have that. I am constantly thinking about another man, that I had tured down because I had just meet my husband years ago, but now when I run into him I can't get him out of my mind. I feel as if my husband finds be unattractive, or that he is repulsed by me. I never feel sexy or desirable, and I find myself esteem going down from this. On the surface my husband and I get along wonderful, but there is this "elephant" in the room so to speak. He will make all kinds of excuses why we can't have sex, and I have tried to suggest councelling but he won't even consider it. Instead he says to me that he has performance anxiety, and he is the way he is because of me. He said that he never had an issue with performance unitl he meet me, and that I make him feel really nervous to have sex. I don't think his issues with performance were just with me, especially considering that he seemed to have issues for some time before I got the courage to say something. I feel that he is making all kinds of excuses rather than wanting to deal wiht the issue. I have been very supportive with helping him get through his performance ED, but it don't know how much more I can take. Please help.
Submitted: 5 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Cathy replied 5 years ago.

Cathy :

Hi and thanks for writing JA

Cathy :

I am sorry I was not able to respond to you when you were online. The old saying goes that medicine cures the symptoms (or in this case not) and therapy attacks the problem. In the absence of any medical or physical reason (and I am guessing his doctor did a full work up and ruled out any medical reasons for ed)then there has to be another reason for the problem. Men of 29 have erections without difficulty regardless of their partners so its not at all about you, there is something going on with him that needs addressing. Now as far as your being turned on by your ex boyfriend thats another issue altogether. Let me know when you can chat and I am happy to help you further on this. If it is easier for you we can also do this by email. Warm regards, Cathy


Hi Cathy, email seems to work the best for me. Concerning my ex, I should perhaps provide a little more information. The man I am talking about was never a romantic relationship. He was a friend of mine that I had showed interest in, but he never realized it until I moved on with my now husband. For ease of conversation i will continue to refer to him as my "ex" . The issue is is that I had pursued him for a couple of months, and I guess it wasn't obvious to him that I was interested in him romantically, so due to a lack of understanding on both our parts, I decided to accept the friendship and move on. I went on two dates with my now husband, and after the second date my "ex" called me to invite me to a concernt out of town. Since I had started to date someone else, I didn't feel that going to an out of town concert with another man would be acceptable so I said no. It wasn't until I was on another date at a restaurant one night that I bumped into my "ex", and we had an opportunity to have a quick chat, and it was during this conversation that he clairified that he never thougth I was romantically intersted in him, but now he knew, and seeing me tonight with another man was upsetting for him. At this point I had been dating my husband for a couple of months, and took that things worked out as they were meant to be, but now I cannot get him out of my mind. I do love my husband, and we both treat each other exceptionally, but there's still that constant thought of my ex. When my ex and I bump into each other in public places, our eyes meet, and for that quick second it's like there is no one else around us. I find it hypnotizing to say the least, and I can see the feeling is mutual for him. I must admit that I one major factor I had considered in the early beginning with my husband and my ex was that, my ex is 13 yrs older than I, and my now husband is the same age. I was a little concerned that the age difference may have been an issue, but now I am not so sure. It has been really hard the last couple of months because we live in a small town of 2000 people, so my ex and I will often see each other at various events, outings. Any advice on how to deal with this situation?

Expert:  Cathy replied 5 years ago.

Hi, you know there are two separate issues here. One is that your current husband is having some issues around ed. The other issue is your new found attraction for your ex. I can see why this is a perfect storm for you.

You keep thinking about the ex and I can imagine you are also wondering if your ex might have been a better bet especially since the current marriage is sexually unsatisfying. I have seen this on numerous occasions in my office. The one big mistake most women make is to not get help on this or to not listen to the help once they get it :) Love and to a very great extent, sexual satisfaction, are creations of the mind. It sounds very simplistic indeed but its actually a quite complicated brain process. We convince ourselves of all manner of things when it comes to love (and we all do this, not just you) and not much of it is very reality based. If all else is well in your marriage then I strongly urge you to convince your husband to try counseling and if he will not go, go alone.

For while I would love to help you sort this out here and now this is not the forum for such a complicated situation. Find a therapist who is non judgmental and is caring and spend a handful of sessions sorting out your feelings. Only then make any decisions about what your next move might be. Many women leave marriages when they find themselves in the very situation you now find yourself. Almost all come to regret that move. Some women return to the ex only to find out they were right the first time. They learn this painful lesson only after they have left their husbands who turned out to be pretty nice guys after all, even if the sex was not as they wished. There is lots of help for sexual dysfunction so do not think that this is not an area that can improve. Dont give up on the current spouse just yet.

Also know that over the long haul it is not sexually chemistry and compatibility that glues a relationship. It is found in friendship, shared values and shared backgrounds so yes to some extent your concerns about the age difference were valid. Let me know if I can explain this further to you? I am happy to help in any way I can. Best, Cathy

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