How JustAnswer Works:
  • Ask an Expert
    Experts are full of valuable knowledge and are ready to help with any question. Credentials confirmed by a Fortune 500 verification firm.
  • Get a Professional Answer
    Via email, text message, or notification as you wait on our site. Ask follow up questions if you need to.
  • 100% Satisfaction Guarantee
    Rate the answer you receive.
Ask Dear Debra Your Own Question
Dear Debra
Dear Debra, Advice Columnist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1852
Experience:  I have been an Advice columnist for 14 years. My column is published weekly in local newpapers.
Type Your Relationship Question Here...
Dear Debra is online now
A new question is answered every 9 seconds

We have split up after eight years and a three year old. She

Customer Question

We have split up after eight years and a three year old. She says she is confused and doesn't know how she feels, so wants time to think. I have give her that four months have past now and she is up and down with me I try and get her to come for diner which she did once and just got angry, now when I ask she needs to think it may confuse my daughter n the last time we argued. I always tell her I love her she doesn't say anything back just thanks. She opened a little the other day when I said do u miss me she said I'm human course I do I asked her to drop her defences and just say yes she laughed and just said I can't. I text her just a x during the day or night n I always get a x back.
We had a lot of troubles in the past both were to blame but she only associates me to the blame and to me keep leaving. She's the type of lady if I question her or do something she is uncomfortable with she gets upset and argues or is huffy for a few days. she only concentrates on her job now that comes first and my daughter coz I worked away always sleeps in our bed, but for the last year even when I was home she slept in the bed with her instead of me my ex says she just can't be bothered to put her into her own bed and read her a story like I do. My daughter now can't sleep on her own in her own bed and goes to sleep holding hands.
What do I do I love her so much I know she wants space and time but this has been going on a long time now last year I went to a ex girlfriend from when I was sixteen (im now thirty six) to stop her killing herself she found out through Facebook and went mental, but I couldn't tell her coz a few weeks prior she was texting a guy from her work who she had only known a few months who also wanted to kill himself because he had an affair and she got pregnant. I asked why she couldn't tell me he was trying to confide in her she just said I couldn't so I went mad n with me doing the same I felt like a hypocrite. For a while now over a year she said I love u and didn't mean it she told me but I could tell the way she kissed me and looked at me and hugged me there was resentment there. When we made love she faced the opposite way and never kissed me and it was done like a chore once a week same day same way when she could fit it in.
What should i do this sex life has been the same for nearly two years or more and this relationship has been negative from her for over a year I'm now On my own very unhappy and want to workit out how can u work with someone who is constantly confused n just gets angry ? I left my wife for her and ive always had a army of woman harassing me in my job as a band singer but ive never cheated been temted tho.i used to constantly walk out on her over the years and she used to b loving, but so wild when she was drunk she looked like she had cheated few times so i used to walk out. She used to chase me all the time but now i dont regocnise the woman i used to live with. All our pictures r still up her facebook is still engaged. Sometimes when i kiss her in our funny way she cracks a small smile n says ok now stop. She just sees red and anger in her when she sees or hears from me i feel,Please help
Submitted: 5 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Dear Debra replied 5 years ago.
I want to talk about you leaving all the time. When someone leaves all the time it cause an unstablity. In a relationship in order to open up your heart completly you have to know that once you give your heart to someone they are going to be there. That they are willing to stay through even the most difficult times in the relationship. What is happeneing right now is her feelings are blocked for you. They are you masked by anger. What is causing this is something that has happened in the relationship that she has not talked about or not dealt with. This is what need to be talked about in order to get this relationship back. You mentioned about kissing her, when you kiss her it rekindles her love for you for a moment, but then the anger of everything that has happened takes over. What I want you to do is think about when this all started when she began to feel she neede space. She doesn't need space she need to let you in and solve these problems that are keeping you apart from being a family. What often helps is reliving old memories. Creating your very first date and how you met. She seems to be reacting to things that you do. She need to drop her guard so she begins to open up. If you have anymore questions I am here to help.
Dear Debra and other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 5 years ago.
She just won't do anything at all won't talk to me at all she's always been deep person. She never texts me unless it's about our daughter when she is staying here with me. I really am at a last ditch attempt, she is the total opposite of what sh e used to be. It's my fault she is this way I didn't stop leaving and I think that was the main thing then on top she feels I should never have gone to my ex girlfriend s which she is right but I couldn't have her doing anything to herself on my continence. My friends say she is quite controlling I'm not sure she is, never used to be if she is now. All she keeps saying is right now doing things this way it is giving her time to think. All I see is she's being more and more distant from me all the bills r now separate. We were getting on great the other week laughing and joking texting loads then when I asked the next day do we really need to separate our joint account she just said I don't know where u get the impression I want to work things out I just still don't know. She bought all my daughters xmas presents off her list I've been left nothing to buy so I was upset her and her mam pushed me out and never thought what I wanted to get her off the list she went mad saying my family never push u out buy something off us from the list. I don't get any of this at all. What can I do just leave her alone do what is making h comfortable then let her come to me if she eventually does ?
Expert:  Dear Debra replied 5 years ago.
When you both were getting along the other week that was her dropping her guard, but then she put it right back up. She was not going to give him because she has not dealt with her anger or hurt emotions. I want you to step into her shoes right now so you can understand how she feels. You talked to your ex, now wnot even knowing the story because you kept it private from her. All she knows is you contacted your ex, you talked too her. Right away a person whould feel something was going on. But we both know all it was, was you helping her. But she is thinking that you are paying attention to your ex and not her your wife. That the past is the past. Then all she knows is you leaving her, so she feel unstable at the fact that you are talking to your ex. What this did was back her of so she could protect her heart. She was making sure she would not get hurt ever again, so she left and went back to her mom where she can feel save and not be hurt ni more. What she needs is time to trust you again, you need to show her you are going to be there and you are never leaving.
Customer: replied 5 years ago.
Do I do that by keep sending the odd text and build from there is this the best way ? Respect her in that way I understand how she felt coz of it she did the same to me with the guy she worked with few months before I did but I'm not afraid of stuff like that, my love for her is very strong. I normally text her before the weekend and say I'll speak Monday once I've got our daughter but feel I should just send a x every night just to let her know I'm still there ?
Expert:  Dear Debra replied 5 years ago.
She needs to know that you are there and that you understand her. You could explain that I looked at things through your perpective and I now see how you feel. Tell her you love her very much and I hope that one day we can repair this relationship. I also would send the X at night because you don't want her to tink you gave up on her. She nees to know you will be there every night with tat x.
Customer: replied 5 years ago.
I already have told her that several times n tell her I won't give up on her. Thank u for ur help
Expert:  Dear Debra replied 5 years ago.
If telling her is not working then you need to show her how much you love her and want to be with her. I just believe that her feelings are buried and she needs to be reminded what things were once like, like when you both first met. One great way to rekindle back what you both once had is to recreate your very first date together. This helps jog the memory of why you both fell in love in the first place. She needs to see that you are going to give her 100 percent of reconnecting this relationship. It is not too late for you both to get back on track and I know things look impossible for you both. But it is not it is a matter of opening up an solving what is really going on inside. Some times people bury their feelings so much that they don't even know why they feel like they feel, so they must be figured out in order to solve them and let go of everything that has happened in the past. Talking to an ex girlfriend is breaking trust and it might have pushed her feelings for you aside. Even talk about how you both first met and reminisce about those things that kept you both together. Love some times you can get put on hold and it is now up too you to re spark these feelings. It will be like you both meeting for the first time.