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Dr. Paige
Dr. Paige, Psychologist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1427
Experience:  Ph.D. Licensed Psychologist
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Hello, I am unsure what to think about the relationship with

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I am unsure what to think about the relationship with my partner Toni anymore. We have both been married before, have 5 adult daughters between us (me 3 and Toni 2) and have been together for about 6 years.
Like everyone I guess we have normal ups and downs and I have always admired Toni's feistyness and her ability to stand up for herself.
We have both had a lot of pressure with financial issues getting really tough over the last 2 years. Unfortunatelty in the past 12 months our arguements and disagreements have taken a violent look. She has punched me twice - I am a big bloke so I can phisically handle it I guess however I just think it is so wrong that she should lose it to that extent. Toni goes right off and will damage gear and things becasue she gets so angry. When an arguement starts (usually from something thats not very important) she starts and if I retaliate it just ends up a lot of yelling so I shut up - I dont say anything. The problem for me with that is Toni will just turn the arguement into a tirade of abuse that does not get an answer from me and so I believe she reckons my silence is agreement.
Toni reckons I am the one that has an anger problem and that I blame everyone for every problem. It seems crazy because what she is accussing me of is exactly what she is doing.
I have left our home (which is also a farm in central Queensland) a couple of times in the past year because I had had enough however each time I have gone back to her because of the financial issues and because of the good parts of our relationship. I also believe strongly in the good and the bad in people and in relationships.
I have had to go and get a job away from the farm and now work for a coal mining company where I am away from home for 2 weeks at a time.
We had a huge arguement over nothing as I was coming back to work on thursday, she punched me and slammed a gate into our car when I went to drive away to avoid the tirade and I havent spoken to her since. Its lonely in the camp where I live and I am not sure what I will do.
If you have any advice I would really apreciate it. Does my story sound normal. Bill
Submitted: 5 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Dr. Paige replied 5 years ago.
Hi. This is clearly an abusive relationship and is not "normal" for anyone to put up with this. Just because it is the woman doing the physical abuse, it is no different than if a man were beating up on a woman. I understand there are financial issues, but is it worth it? You do not deserve to be treated like this at all. I know it is "lonely" for you, but if you have some self esteem issues, you should work on them so you can become confident to be alone until she either changes her ways or you find a woman who can control her emotions. Adults should be able to have conversations about issues in a relationship, whether they be big or small without getting physical. I really think you need to take some time away from this woman and both of you need to sort out what you really want out of this relationship. There should never, under any circumstances be physical abuse. You never mentioned if she apologizes or is remorseful at all for her actions. It sounds like she feels she is justified. That is not healthy at all. If you two are to work this out and be together, there most certainly not ever be hitting or punching.
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