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psychlady, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 6893
Experience:  I have over 16 years experience in treating adults presenting with a variety of relationship issues
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I am dating someone 9 years older than me. He says he is a

Customer Question

I am dating someone 9 years older than me. He says he is a workaholic and that he likes spending time with me and would like to see where it goes, but sometimes he goes days without talking to me. It bothers me and he says he will do better at it. When I text him with things I would like to do he often tries to accommodate me but it bothers me that he is so busy all the time. We met online and we have discussed taking down our dating profiles when our subscription is up. I took mine down because of lack of interest and he removed his pictures, but he still checks it often. Should I say something about it or just wait? We have only been seeing each other for 2 months. He asked me if we were exchanging gifts for Christmas? Is this his way of saying he wants me around because sometimes I just don't get it with him? I think I am just over thinking everything.
Submitted: 5 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  psychlady replied 5 years ago.

It sounds like a good guy but you do appear to be over thinking things. If you are too persistent you are going to scare him off. Relax and try to let the relationship happen naturally. Two months is not long enough to do all of this critiquing. He asked you about Christmas so that means you are on his mind and he is considering a future. You have to consider that he is a very busy guy and doesn't have the ability to have a lot of phone calls and personal contact. Be fair but not obsessive. He will probably be able to really bond with you as time goes on and you will see an improvement. Right now I would not make an issue out of it. If you remind him that you need a lot of contact he may think the relationship is too much work. I say if he is asking about Christmas you are on the right track. Go with the flow.


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Customer: replied 5 years ago.
He is a fire captain, a basketball official, and he also has two elderly parents that live a few hours away. He works 2 days then he is off for four days. I usually see him either right before he starts his 24 hours or right after his 24 hours. By accommodating his schedule and being flexible to his availability am I being too accommodating? Or am I making myself a booty call? The time we spend together is fun, but we don't go anywhere. He either stays at my house or I stay at his we wake up and both go to work or he is off to his other activities.
Expert:  psychlady replied 5 years ago.
Being flexible is never a bad idea. He should appreciate that. You are only a booty call if you make yourself so available that that he takes advantage. I would be concerned that he never takes you out though. You need more activities than staying home. Tell him that and see what happens
Customer: replied 5 years ago.
The reason I think I may be considered a booty call is because when we are together it is usually at night. We do watch movies, and cook together. When he is off he stays at his parents house. His mother was just diagnosed with Stage 3 colon cancer, she is 80 years old. His father is 87 years old and has been totally dependent on her for the last 65 years. So he spends a lot of time with them. While he is there he is remodeling their home. I think that with all his family has going on and the fact that we are so new, I don't really pressure him to take me with him. I figured that by this summer we would have been together 6 months at least and maybe then it would be more appropriate to bring me around the family. I asked him about taking me out and he said that he would carve out some time for us. I don't think I will see him on Christmas as his 4 daughters will be home and I know how much he misses them. He told me that we didn't have to necessarily exchange gifts on Christmas day, but that he would try to have New Years Eve off for me. I can say that then I do tell him what I want or like he does try to accommodate if possible.
Expert:  psychlady replied 5 years ago.
It sounds like he is just busy with two elderly parents. He he succeeds in making time then you know that he was just overwhelmed by other things. New year's eve will be a good time to see what he has in mind for you. I would see if anything changes in the near future. If nothing changes then the relationship may not worth continuing but he seems to just have a lot going on.
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Customer: replied 5 years ago.
I do think that he is overwhelmed. Yesterday he was off while I worked. He officiated 2 basketball games, visited his mother in the hospital, spent time with his father, and drove 1 1/2 hours back home. He called me on his way home and I met him at his house and he fell asleep in my arms. That did feel good I must admit.
Expert:  psychlady replied 5 years ago.
Wow. That is busy. He will appreciate your support and that is more than a booty call
Customer: replied 5 years ago.
I asked him where did I fit in his life and he told me that, the reason he wasn't really been in a relationship is because of his schedule. But that he would try to make some time for me. He also said he would ask me to take some time off but he would feel guilty about it. Luckily basketball season is over in February. Should I push spending the holidays with him since his daughters are in town and I have not met them or should I just make other plans, unless he says otherwise? When is a good time for us to meet each other's family?
Expert:  psychlady replied 5 years ago.
There is no perfect time to meet someone's family because everyone is different. However you could say that you would like to meet his family since he has so little time. And then see what he says. Tell him you know their time is limited too so could you plan an evening - maybe go to dinner - and see if he agrees. I wouldn't push too hard but start with something reasonable and go from there.
Customer: replied 5 years ago.
I think that he is really overwhelmed with everything going on in his life and I really don't want to get hurt again. I was in the relationship from hell 8 months ago. And I don't ever want to do that again. I ask questions, but I think that sometimes my questions can scare a person off. I want to make sure we are on the same page. If they say they are looking for a relationship I would like to know. I would also like for their actions to match their words. I guess with him I don't feel like a priority because of our lack of communication. He acts like he doesn't know how to use the phone from time to time and his texts are some times sporadic. I have not spoken to him for 3 days at a time before and there were no test msgs between us during this time. My ex girlfriend says that he is probably seeing someone else and that stays in the back of my head. But the more I think about his situation I don't believe that he is.
Customer: replied 5 years ago.
He says that he expresses his feelings through working and providing for the people that are important to him are taken care of and that his woman (me) is always happy.
Expert:  psychlady replied 5 years ago.
He sounds nice. Sporadic texts doesn't mean he is seeing anyone. It sounds like patience in this case may be just what he needs. Caretakers can feel very overwhelmed and sometimes they don't realize it. I understand that not talking for 3 days is very frustrating. But in this case he seems to have a reason. Hang in there. It may pay off

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