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Dr Rossi
Dr Rossi, Licensed Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 4627
Experience:  Certified Hypnotherapist, Author, 13+years of experience.
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I am dating a 52 year old workaholic. He is a fire captain,

Customer Question

I am dating a 52 year old workaholic. He is a fire captain, official for basketball, and he has two ailing parents. The only time I can see him is late evening when he is returning from his parents or the evening before he goes to work. By accepting his schedule am I being too accommodating?  By accepting his schedule and being flexible am I condemning myself to becoming a booty call? 
Submitted: 5 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Dr Rossi replied 5 years ago.



In a healthy relationship, there has to be some flexibility and compromise from both partners. If he is truly busy taking care of his parents or with his work, he had been open with you about his availability. It would be fair that he finds some flexibility in his own schedule to see you. Otherwise, over time, you may start to feel resentful and he may try to say that he'd already told you about his activities.

The issue here is he wanting to have a true and healthy relationship and how willing would he be to contribute to it. You cannot be the only one sharing your time. As far as whether or not you're condemning yourself it would depend on what you tell yourself and what you believe. If you're at the stage of your life when you can deal with his expectations and believe that he loves you, then you're not condemning yourself because you're acting out of love for him.

Customer: replied 5 years ago.
He usually works 48 hrs and then he is off 96 hrs. When he is off he officiates games, cares for parents, and is working on their house. I usually seem him before his 48 hours begin or after it ends. On his off days he is often called in to work. He says he will try to carve in some time for me in his schedule, it's just that the time is always late in the evening. I either say over his house or he stays at mine. He asked me if we were going to exchange Christmas gifts, I hadn't thought about it. I said yes. This kind of threw me for a loop. So I guess he does think abt me. The other thing is that we met online and we agreed that when our subscription is up we were going to shut them both down. I shut mine down because most of the men that responded were crazy and he took his pictures down but he still checks it from time to time. Should I say anything about it or not?
Expert:  Dr Rossi replied 5 years ago.
Yes, absolutely talk to him about your agreement and him not keeping his side of the promise. If you feel used (no one should feel this way in a healthy relationship) then even if it is difficult to do, re-evaluate the relationship, determine if it is worth your time and effort, and if you do not see that you're getting 50% in return from him, let him know that you may move on unless things change. On the other hand, if you still feel like the two of you are learning about one another and are falling in love, then give it some time to see what comes out of it.
Customer: replied 5 years ago.
The reason I think I may be considered a booty call is because when we are together it is usually at night. We do watch movies, and cook together. When he is off he stays at his parents house. His mother was just diagnosed with Stage 3 colon cancer, she is 80 years old. His father is 87 years old and has been totally dependent on her for the last 65 years. So he spends a lot of time with them. While he is there he is remodeling their home. I think that with all his family has going on and the fact that we are so new, I don't really pressure him to take me with him. I figured that by this summer we would have been together 6 months at least and maybe then it would be more appropriate to bring me around the family. I asked him about taking me out and he said that he would carve out some time for us. I don't think I will see him on Christmas as his 4 daughters will be home and I know how much he misses them. He told me that we didn't have to necessarily exchange gifts on Christmas day, but that he would try to have New Years Eve off for me. I can say that then I do tell him what I want or like he does try to accommodate if possible.

I do think that he is overwhelmed. Yesterday he was off while I worked. He officiated 2 basketball games, visited his mother in the hospital, spent time with his father, and drove 1 1/2 hours back home. He called me on his way home and I met him at his house and he fell asleep in my arms. That did feel good I must admit.
Expert:  Dr Rossi replied 5 years ago.
He could be overwhelmed by all of those responsibilities. Even if the two of you meet at night, there does not have to be sexual intimacy each time you're together. If he had offered to take you over to his parents place it is a good sign and the fact that he is trying to be accommodating. Perhaps feeling the way you do is mostly to be attributed to what you were thinking rather than completely based on what he was doing or not doing. That may be so on your part because of possibly not wanting to get hurt and you're trying to protect yourself.
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Customer: replied 5 years ago.
True I really don't want to get hurt again. I was in the relationship from hell 8 months ago. And I don't ever want to do that again. I ask questions, but I think that sometimes my questions can scare a person off. I want to make sure we are on the same page. If they say they are looking for a relationship I would like to know. I would also like for their actions to match their words. I guess with him I don't feel like a priority because of our lack of communication. He acts like he doesn't know how to use the phone from time to time and his texts are some times sporadic. I have not spoken to him for 3 days at a time before and there were no test msgs between us during this time. My ex girlfriend says that he is probably seeing someone else and that stays in the back of my head. But the more I think about his situation I don't believe that he is.
Expert:  Dr Rossi replied 5 years ago.
It is understandable that you want to have an honest and open communication and asking questions is a part of it. If something about asking the questions does not seem right to you, try to rephrase them or you may initially ask him an open ended question relating to what you need to find out and then a direct one. Some individuals are better in communicating than others. You can still be a priority in his life and he may have a difficulty in expressing that in the way you'd like him to. Vulnerability is also understandable and you would also be working on yourself trying to filter what may be feelings you subconsciously are displacing onto him. Try not to listen to others. He may not be seeing anyone and remaining positive is healthier unless you find something to the contrary.
Customer: replied 5 years ago.
He says that he expresses his feelings through working and providing for the people that are important to him are taken care of and that his woman (me) is always happy.
Expert:  Dr Rossi replied 5 years ago.
That can be true as each individual learns how to show affection usually from his parents/caregivers.

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