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Suzanne, Therapist, LCSW
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 919
Experience:  Experienced in treating trauma, relationship issues, co-dependency
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I have an unusual situation. I dated a guy for 2 yrs over ten yrs ago

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I have an unusual situation. I dated a guy for 2 yrs over ten yrs ago. He has sought me out over those yrs and I have just become single. We exchanged cell #'s via facebook msging and have chatted now and then. Most recently this past June I txtd him randomly about advice for getting back into the gym, something we used to do together. Understand I was not looking for or expecting a relationship of any kind. He showed up that same afternoon at my doorstep with a huge bouquet of roses and old feelings took over and he wanted to make love to me we did so . After seeing him for a couple weeks he revealed that he was still seeing someone else and still hasn't ended it but still wants me...I went from getting his undevided attention that came solely on his part, to just txting again and constant "reasons" why we cannot spend time together. Understand also this is the only guy I have ever truly loved and he was the first one to tell me he loves me...yet still hasn't broken it off with other I crazy for hanging around? O r is there an action I can make to get his attention?
Submitted: 5 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Suzanne replied 5 years ago.
Thank you for bringing your question to Just Answer!

To know how a man feels, pay attention to his actions, not his words. Some men learn that they can manipulate women with flowers and sweet words...and they don't hesitate to use them if they think it will get them something.

This man knew you had feelings for him by the way things went the day he came to your house. Although he's the first man you ever loved, he's making it pretty clear by his actions that he non longer returns those feelings (no matter what wonderful words he uses to keep you dangling on the line).

In a harsh way, he's done you a favor. He's shown you what he turned out like, ten years later. He turned out to be a man who will manipulate a woman's feelings, cheat on someone he's in a relationship with, and who doesn't have the courage or character to be honest with either of you.

A man who's in love with you will move the moon and stars to be with you--not avoid you. I know this is going to hurt a lot for a few weeks, but you'll look back at this situation some day and know for sure that you 'dodged a bullet."

Before getting involved in another relationship, there are two books that are must reading to help you find the man who will move the moon and stars to be with you.

The first is Temptations of the Single Girl This book should be required reading for women before they start to date. You'll never get fooled again by a man after reading this and following her suggestions. (ignore the cheesy cover--it's a great book!)

The second book is a bigger commitment. It's seven weeks of daily reading and writing and self-exploration. It will help you get clear on what you really want from life and relationships, and increase your self-esteem. Don't just read it all the way through. Do it the way it was designed--daily--and you'll be amazed at how much clearer this all seems at the end of the process. Calling In The One: 7 Weeks to Attract the Love of Your Life.

This is the perfect book to use to recover from being used. I hope you'll give it a try.
Customer: replied 5 years ago.
I appreciate the info so far but I still don't really understand. I txtd him to ask him about reccomending healthy supplements to add to my healthy eating to optimize my diet,he asked if I was busy that day and said no, and asked if he could come by and visit , so I assumed he was coming over for that reason only. He was the one that brought the flowers and told me that he never stopped loving me and had missed me all those yrs and had thought about me every day. Why would he take a simple question and turn it into what has happened? He told me on my b-day that he loved me, he went from saying I love you and miss you when we couldn't spend time together to random txting . He says things with her are so bad and that he was going to break up with her..and said this very recently. Logically I know I should have ended it as soon as he said he was still with someone else,if it were any other guy I would have done that immediately. If he loves me and I am"so beautiful, and amazing and I make him so happy and he talks about me all the time" why not take the amazing chance for us to be together again?
Customer: replied 5 years ago.

More on your original answer, he did not know coming over that I still held any feelings for him, I was the one to end things over ten yrs ago, we were young and i wasn't ready. He begged to have me back, back then and I refused and he has been looking for me ever since.

Txting him in no way was code for me to come over with beautiful flowers and start what I thought at the time was us getting back together. That was all him, I was freshly single and had no thoughts about being with anyone.

More on my first response, he also told me how he had dated throughout the yrs we were apart and the girls were nice enough mostly, but they always had one thing missing..they weren't me. Again, if he went to such lengths to find me etc, why do this to me if everything he said was honest and true?

Expert:  Suzanne replied 5 years ago.
If everything he said to you was honest and true, he wouldn't be doing this to you. By texting him out of the blue, you definately signaled interest, especially when you hadn't talked in a while. It showed him you had no one else to ask, at the least. He came over ready to seduce you. Otherwise, why have the conversation in person, and why bring flowers when he was with someone else. By cutting him more slack than you would have ever given some other man, he knew you were vulnerable from being newly single.

You're trying to make logic out of something that was manipulation. If what he said was true, he would be with you...not dropping down to random texting. I know this is hard to hear.
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Customer: replied 5 years ago.

I am sorry I guess we are missing each other on points that I am trying to get across and don't know how to be more specific. I in no way solicited his actions.

I guess I will just have to figure this guy out on my own. I am sorry you went o so much trouble to answer. I am not satisfied and do not want to give payment. Thank you for your time.

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