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I was getting married about 3 weeks ago, but a week before

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the wedding my now ex...
I was getting married about 3 weeks ago, but a week before the wedding my now ex girlfriend cancelled saying that the intimacy had gone and she is the only one trying. which to a certain extented is true, but onlt to the fact that i was working 17 hour days to pay for our wedding and didnt fancy sex. Unfortunatly when i was horny se wasnt around so i turned to porn. Now my ex thinks i prefer porn to her and i cant change her mind and now we have split due to lack of intimacy and commuication because i didnt know this bothered her untill a week before the wedding. she claims i pushed her away and she has feelings for some guy in sweden who she had a thing with once before i met her. Have i pushed her away with the lack of sex? because i do love her but she claims she doesnt love me due to the lack of comunication. I think that she just wants this guy in sweden because its something new and he told her all the right thing?
Submitted: 6 years ago.Category: Relationship
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Answered in 17 minutes by:
11/6/2011
Counselor: Cathy, Counselor replied 6 years ago
Cathy
Cathy, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1,436
Experience: Ms, MS.Ed., thirty years clinical practice
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Cathy :

Hi and thanks for writing

Cathy :

are you there?

Cathy :

hello?

Cathy :

Hi are you here for chat?

Cathy :

hello?

Cathy :

okay just let me know when you are free to chat about this, in the interim I will be helping other customers and will get back to you as soon as possible. warmest wishes, Cathy

Customer:

i am here

Cathy :

Hi and so nice to see you

Cathy :

how are you holding up tonight?

Cathy :

hi can you read my posts?

Cathy :

hello?

Cathy :

hello are you there?

Cathy :

ok again let us know when you are back online and have time to chat about this, best wishes

Customer:

hello, sorry about the last time i was on here, i was in a bit of a mess

Customer:

i am free tonight at 9pm

Customer:

was getting married about 3 weeks ago, but a week before the wedding my now ex girlfriend cancelled saying that the intimacy had gone and she is the only one trying. which to a certain extented is true, but onlt to the fact that i was working 17 hour days to pay for our wedding and didnt fancy sex. Unfortunatly when i was horny se wasnt around so i turned to porn. Now my ex thinks i prefer porn to her and i cant change her mind and now we have split due to lack of intimacy and commuication because i didnt know this bothered her untill a week before the wedding. she claims i pushed her away and she has feelings for some guy in sweden who she had a thing with once before i met her. Have i pushed her away with the lack of sex? because i do love her but she claims she doesnt love me due to the lack of comunication. I think that she just wants this guy in sweden because its something new and he told her all the right thing?


 




Already Tried:
I did not contact her but she did contact me asking to get some stuff from the house. we have met up twice, once her saying that she doesnt want a relationship with anyone and once when i told her i was going to buy her out the mortgage and move on

Cathy :

You know I have read your post several times over the past few days and No, I do not believe that you pushed her away by failing to have sex with her for seventeen days. First of all, a "few weeks" is not such a long time as to be called sexual abandonment. Also, it sounds as if you were the one working very hard to make the wedding happen. Next, it seems to me that if she were not around when you were feeling the need to have sexual release that the porn idea is not so unusual or so bad. Men have been using images for years to the exact same end as you and I think this is not infidelity in the same way that procuring a prosititute or worse, having an affair with someone else, just for the sex, might be..

Cathy :

I think your girlfriend sounds a tad selfish and very immmature to me and I do not believe she is a good long term bet for marriage.

Cathy :

Now I know that these are not words you wish to hear and it must be painful if you are in love with her, but frankly, grown up adults who are getting married do not behave this way. I cannot even speak to this guy in Sweden.

Cathy :

Who knows what that is about?

Cathy :

I would buy her out of the mortgage and move on. I do not see a happy future with someone as unevolved as she is and I think what she did was a "favor" to you in the you found out what she was like before the legality of marriage which makes relationships much more complicated to "undo". Please let me know if there is more to share about this or if you have more questions. I know you are in a great deal of pain right now, so please do take good care of you.

Cathy :

Until I hear from you next, warm regards, Cathy

Customer:

thank you for your answer, i needed to here that from a stranger because all my friends and family say the same thing but i know they are on my side so i needed a neutral answer. For some stupid reason i sometimes blame myself, properly because i don't understand it.

Customer:

Before she went to Sweden everything seemed fine, she was a bit down due to work and other going on's but still wanted to always see me, always wanted cuddles, wanted to do stuff together, was still calling me everyday. Then see came back from sweden saying she has feelings for someone else and doesn't know how she feels about me, telling me i might not be the one, surely she has had plenty of time to think about that with the build up to the wedding? She was always so excited about the wedding, she came with me to buy my wedding ring a month before everything happened and was excited then, she changed her surname on her graduation certificate which see collected a week before the wedding, she brought me a expensive watch for my weeding present and engraved it. This to me doesn't sound like a girl not in love and doesn't knows what see wants unless she is a very good actress which i don't think she is. i think see has thought about things too much in a negative way and actually done her own head in? she got a 1st degree in counselling and then told me that there was no communication in our relationship and thats a reason it failed but she is the one who bottled it all up and didn't talk to anyone about it. Do you agree with what i think and can you tell me your views? cause it doesn't make sense to me, you don't fall out of love that quick! one more thing, she hasn't spoken to any of her friends and says its a private matter between me and her, but she stopped a wedding! people are going to ask questions and want an answer. do you think she is hiding something or just very embarrassed?

Cathy :

Hi and thank you for sharing more information. You know I am not really sure what happened to her. I think if she were the one to bottle up feelings and then blame you she was doing some projecting (accusing you of her own behavior). I do not really understand her train of thinking on this so its hard for me to understand as well. One thing is clear and that is that she is either not being very honest with herself or with you. Again, she sounds like a very immature young woman who has some growing up to do before she can value a committment if only because her psychological defenses are so primitive for someone in adulthood.

Cathy :

Sadly it is also possible that she did not love you at all but was infatuated with you, which is quite common in all of us. We think we love some one but at the slightest hint of a test we find out that actually we do not love them at all. This is one of the hallmarks of infatuation which marks the start of many romantic relationships but is in fact, not love at all. Its the initial chemistry that gets us to notice each other and stick around for a bit which can lead to love but is no guarentee in and of itself.

Cathy :

I hope she is very embarrassed about her behavior but of course without speaking to her there is no way I know this. I think calling off a wedding is a big deal but lots of people do it now a days and never do give any explanation. If anyone asks you just take the high road and say its a private matter i would prefer not to discuss.


 


 

Cathy :

I know you wish so very much to make sense of all this but the fact is that only she can provide most of the answers you are seeking and I do not see her doing this anytime soon. There may even come a point when she
"comes to her senses" and asks you to take her back

Cathy :

(not at all uncommon as well) and I caution to think hard and long before you allow her back into your life. For while I do not think she intentionally treated you in a malicious way you have certainly become a casualty of her thoughtlessness.

Cathy :

Will she ever change? I do not know. Most people do not change much in life and those that do must work very hard at it. The good news is that she has chosen counseling as a field and all good counselors go to therapy as a matter of course. It is very had to do anyone a whit of good in this field, unless you yourself have also been through the process, so hopefully at some point while she is the course of fulfilling her licensing or educational requirements and gets into therapy herself she may be able to take a good look at this side of herself and perahps decide to do something about those behaviors. It is so hard to say what the future holds.

Cathy :

I am glad you have family and friends who are there to care for you during such a painful and confusing time.

Cathy :

You impress me as quite a terrific human and I know lots of young women who would be thrilled to know someone as thoughtful as you. I hope that you heal quickly so someone who can fully appreciate you and love you in a mature way. Let me know if there is more I can to help :)

Cathy :

Take good care, Cathy

Customer:

thank you for your expertise in this situation. One last thing before i stop asking you questions. Because our sex life died for a few months due to me being stressed and working long hours, i was watching porn because she worked nights a lot so when i was feeling horny she was there and when she was around i just wasn't in the mood. we still had sex 4-5 times a month. but she let this get to her and lost a lot of weight and even went through my laptop to see what i was watching or talking too. i know this is a sign of being very insecure but is it not a sign that she loved me too?

Cathy
Cathy, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1,436
Experience: Ms, MS.Ed., thirty years clinical practice
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Counselor: Cathy, Counselor replied 6 years ago

Hi, I think not. You see when we really love someone we trust them. If they tell us they are working long hours and are too tired to make love we come up with other times, we alter our schedules, we "find" a way to inject some romance before we search others laptops.

Checking on you to see if you were seeing someone else or engaging in porn online is not an indicator of love but rather an indicator of distrust which is at the foundation of mature love.

I so wish you two had been better able to communicate so that you might have avoided the trap that many couples fall into....the no time to romance trap. I tell my couples who see me in the office that they must make time, one night per week, and that must be date night. This is not entirely about sex, its about reconnecting and spending time together without the kids, the work problems, the economy problems and all of that. It is the time that I believe couples should set aside N.M.W. (no matter what) to remind one another of those first few sparks and why they came together.

All the couples protest that they are too tired or too busy to do this one thing. I know that they must do this in order to rekindle and amidst much protest when the couples finally do follow this recommendation they are delighted to see how this one small change makes such a huge difference in all other aspects (this is called transfer benefits) of their relationship.

In your case I think some re altering of schedules might have happened with greater ease than you might have thought at the time. I have never met a couple that could not schedule a two hour "date" even if one was working third shift and the other second and both sharing the raising of the couples six kids. It can be done.

 

I think your deeper question is did she love you? Yes I think she did "love" you in the sense that she had strong affectionate feelings for you. I think her version of love was fulfilled but it seems a more shallow version than what most people experience. Love is much more than head over heels infatuation, much much more than the fancy wedding day (and as I recall from my own one of the most stressful days ever). Love is what gets you through the tough times, the lost job moments when you wonder how you will make the car payment together, the sick child you are holding together in the emergency room, the cancer scares, the deaths of your parents. Love is what sustains you in the most mundane and painful and messy situations of your marriage and what keeps you together when the romance wanes and the sex is not quite as sparkly as it was the first time. I think she loved you in her way, I am just very sure you are looking for, and deserve a higher love than that which she was capable of giving you :)

Cathy

Cathy
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Satisfied Customers: 1,436
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