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Elliott, LPCC, NCC
Elliott, LPCC, NCC, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 7664
Experience:  35 years of experience as a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor, National Certified Counselor and a college professor.
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Ive been thinking about the great responses you provided earlier

Customer Question

I've been thinking about the great responses you provided earlier and just wanted to follow-up with some questions as I am really trying to work through this. In my heart of hearts I have a secret fear that what really happened is that he was happy with just being friends and I misunderstood everything and when I said I liked him he was so repulsed by the idea that he thought it was better just to slam that door completely. If he had said "I'm sorry, I really like you and I think you are a wonderful but I just don't have those kinds of feelings but of course we are friends" I don't think I would be feeling so anxious about this. Going from best friends to nothing because I expressed feelings for him has really thrown me off. It may or may not be helpful to mention that my father killed himself in front of me (and my brother) when we were 10 and 12 so I would imagine that this entire scenario is bringing up some serious abandonment issues for me. My husband, by the way, is wonderful and has never made me feel abandoned in any way so, again, not sure why this guy is getting to me.
Submitted: 5 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Elliott, LPCC, NCC replied 5 years ago.
Seeking expert testimony is a sign of strength. A personal relationship with a caring professional is proven clinically effective

Dear friend,

This incident is getting to you because you felt that he abandoned you, which he did. I firmly believe that he wanted friendship with an affair, but WITHOUT committment. As soon as you brought up the "feelings" he slammed the door. Another abandonment.

Unconsciously you were promoting this affair and you were having an emotional affair with him, even if you were not consciously aware of it.

You must consider that, in a sense, you were emotionally abandoning your husband. I do not think his feelings would be unscathed if he were able to have seen your flirtations and your dates for drinks, and watch this romance blossom.

Of course, you ultimately had the sense to call it off when you realized where it was going, but I think you spoiled thisother man's party.

It will take a little time to get over this feeling of loss and abandonment, but you will get through it. In the meantime, devote your energy into finding ways of improving your relationship with your husband, who seems like a total jewel.

Let it go. Don't open things up with this other guy by trying to find closure. Be joyful that his incident didn't ruin your marriage, and keep your mind and attention away from this man so that you can eventually find your own closure through the magic passage of time.

Blessings to you and your family,

Elliott Sewell, LPCC, NCC
Customer: replied 5 years ago.
Hi again,
I hope you had a wonderful holiday season.

I took your wonderful advice and focused on my husband and have done my best just to move on. I did not completely break off my friendship but it definitely went on the back burner. However, it the last week or so our communication has stepped up and we are again exchanging about 15/20 emails a day. Also, he yesterday he asked if I would be attending a work related happy hour (I wasn't and didn't). Please understand, I love my husband. He is sometimes difficult in small ways but we all are and he is a good man. More than that, I really like him as well.

The emotional affair is obviously not a good friend to as a true friend would have been much kinder to when I expressed my feelings even if they were not reciprocated. And, he has firmly stated that he has not interest in me. Yet, there is still this strange level of intimacy that's difficult to explain. So my questions are:

1) Why does this guy so totally have my number?
2) What does he want from me? I've decided that it has to be one of the following: a) regardless of his previous behavior he considers me to be a very good friend and just would like to continue that friendship; b) he really was falling in love and has a lot of complicated feelings toward me; or c) he just is a complete narcissist who enjoys manipulating others emotions.

I am not going to get closure with him because I don't want to engage and go down that rabbit hole again and trying to limit contact. At the same time, I really want to turn the page on this for myself and feel like if I could unpackage his behavior toward me it would help me truly move on.
Expert:  Elliott, LPCC, NCC replied 5 years ago.
Dear friend,

The man wants sex without commitment if you are available and willing. It is nothing more. What do you want? If you want closure, just blow him off and don't worry about his motives.

If you can't help yourself then go down the rabbit hole again.

If you want to save your marriage, stay away from him, and stop your communications. It is not HIS doing, it is yours. YOU are corresponding with him 20 times a day. YOU want to continue this affair whether or not you realize it. YOU must take responsibility.

I wish you the strength to be honest with yourself. If your marriage is not working anymore, then leave it. If it is worth saving, then stop your contact with this man immediately. Your biggest attraction is that you are available and willing, although you don't want to hear this, I'm sure.

You have never accepted my answer. Now I have given you two well thought out and good ones. I love my work but I spend my time to make a living. Please ACCEPT my answer(s). Thank you so much.

I wish you the strength to do what in the long run is best for your life. You know that answer better than anyone else in the world.

Warm regards,

Elliott Sewell, LPCC, NCC, CCMHC
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