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psychlady, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 6893
Experience:  I have over 16 years experience in treating adults presenting with a variety of relationship issues
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Firstly. Thank you for the advice you have given me so far!

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Firstly. Thank you for the advice you have given me so far! It has helped a lot to help me understand her better and even helped me understand how much I really do care for this woman! Today was really different. She finally answered my question from last night and I ignored it. SHE then sent me a message which doesn't normally happen, saying that the "time of the month" had finally arrived and that could have caused her to the way she was. I decided to try a bit of reverse psychology on her and simply said "I'm happy for you." That sort of went down like a ton of bricks because the next message was "What the hell is wrong with you?" to which I replied "Hurts doesn't it?" She then told me to stop trying to play mind games with her and that I was an asshole and was showing her what I was really like. I then told her that that was a low blow coming from someonme who was treating me like shit and that all I was trying to do was love her and she was basically telling me to F off. Then came a please call me. This I expected. I phoned her and she was in tears. I told her to stop crying and explained to her that she had really hurt my feelings the night before, as she didn't even give me a hug hello. She said she didn't realize she had done it and was really sorry. We discussed how I was willing to give her the space she wanted and how she must realize that I too need her when I need her. She agreed and Guess what???? She told me she loved me! I was stunned and overjoyed. I may have finally broken through her first line of defense. I saw her tonight and we talked quite a bit about her. She opened ip to me and told me things about her past that she hasn't even told her sponsor, and I was shocked at what she has been through. I can understand why she hates men, but have assured her that all men aren't the same and that I love and respect her. I think she was being very open and honest with me! I plan on taking your advice and giving her space and time but would like to know what I should be on the lookout for in case this is a ploy (which I don't think it is) and what my next , should we say, move, should be? Thanks. Graham
You did wonderful. She responded to the fact that you gave her boundaries and you showed her that you aren't going to be pushed around. There has to be boundaries in relationships. I don't think she was kidding you either. You just need to be observant and open so that she knows you didn't judge her for all she told you. You both have reached a new level of trust. So don't push too hard. Let it unfold naturally. Share some things with her too. Treat her in a caring way and she learns that you don't judge her. Take it one step at a time. Don't rush yet. Continue to build on this by just being yourself. Maintain the communication as much as possible without pressuring her. The next step will unfold naturally.
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Customer: replied 5 years ago.
Guess who! After such a wonderful evening last night I thought I was starting to understand her! But like I said before, she is like a switch. Yeah I took her out tonight because she felt like watching a movie and I wanted to be with her, but I knew when I saw what was showing that I was in for a tough evening! She wanted to see "Friends with benefits." I knew straight away that she was going to liken our relationship with the movie and guess what, about half hour into the movie she says "wanna be a friend with benefits?" I said I knew she would ask that and didn't give an answer, but she asked again! Then she said I must think about it. My answer is NO! HELL NO! I don't want her to be able to go out with other guys when she wants and when it's convenient for her, to call me!!! That's exactly what a casual relationship is but not the kind she said she wanted.(she only wants me) Now it sounds like she has changed her tune again! Why the heck do women do that. Does she or doesn't she want a relationship. I can't keep on like this. It hurts too much. Do I have to have another fall out with her to get things right? Please advise.
Women aren't like this nor are men. You should say why are self centered people who only care about their own needs are like this. She seems to fall back on what she wants when it pleases her. If this is her character then this will be how she deals with you. You have to accept that a relationship is only acceptable on her terms. Maybe you should just accept that. I was sorry to see that she almost set you up for a friends with benefits question and it is exactly how you describe it. You can't live with that so maybe she needs to realize that you can't accept her terms. It is unfortunate that she can't accept a good guy but would rather play the field. Decide how much you want to be on the loosing end of this deal.
Customer: replied 5 years ago.
I have spoken to her again today and she asked me if I had an answer for her question last night. Like I said, but am now corrected, she wants a casual relationship but only with me! This sort of takes me back to square one because yet again it comes down to her needs and availability. I am probably not going to see her this week due to her work commitments which will probably mean that she will almost certainly want me on the weekend. Do I play hard to get or give in to her? Heaven knows I will want her badly by then but I don't want her to think she can just have her way. I also don't want to put our "relationship" under strain. I really want this to work and have tried everything that has been suggested ,but although I am willing to keep on trying in hope that we will both be happy, I don't want this to be one sided. She is well worth the fight but she must understand that it takes two to make this work! Maybe I should try the "friends with benefits" to see if things change. What do you suggest? Your answers have been brilliant and I wouldn't have gotten this far if it wasn't for you, so thank you very much! Regards Graham.

Yes it does take you back to square one. You do whta is within reason. Don't give her everything she wants or that is what she will learn. If you give her that she will not learn to that it takes two. If you try friends with benefits then that is the deal you get. Her deal. You need to imagine some compromises and hold out for them. You have come too far.


I love helping you because you listen

Customer: replied 5 years ago.
What sort of compromises should I suggest?I don't want to scare her off! I know accepting the friends with benefits would be her deal but it is a start isn't it? I know for a fact that it is "time of the month" but she seems to be this erratic most of the time. I am not going to be able to tell when that time is really here and that can cause conflict as I tend to ignore bad moods when they come about, to prevent unnecessary conflict. Am I wrong in doing this? Graham
First start by addressing her moods without being unreasonable. Say I know you have sounded frustrated why don't we talk about this another time. Then tell her that FWB doesn't work for you and you were wondering what other options you both could compromise on that would be more agreeable to you. Involve her in the compromise
Customer: replied 5 years ago.
I will give it a bash! Thanks for the help so far! Graham
good luck
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