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Elliott, LPCC, NCC
Elliott, LPCC, NCC, Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 7664
Experience:  35 years of experience as a Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor, National Certified Counselor and a college professor.
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Hi, I am a man, aged 44, who has been married for the last

Resolved Question:

Hi, I am a man, aged 44, who has been married for the last 11 years to a wonderful, successful woman, aged 47, & have a fantastic 10 year old son. We are relatively affluent & there is no real reason for me to be unhappy in my life, apart from the fact we don't have sex - she wants to but I don't. I just don't feel that way about her at all - she has put on quite a bit of weight over the years & I don't find her attractive in that way - although I still really love her. I also hate my job & that's having a detrimental affect on my outlook on life & is making me quite miserable. I know with her that I have a future & my son will live in a happy environment. But basically I will be living my life for them.
About 6 months ago I met a very attractive & sexy younger woman, aged 37, & started an affair, which is something I would never have considered before. She has nothing really to offer apart from great sex & the fact I'm madly in love with her. She lives on benefits, has 3 young kids & is currently divorcing her psychotic husband. I will be very happy being with her but whilst the relationship will probably last - financially, I'm going to be wrecked!
Last week I told my wife all about it but she has stuck by me (my son is aware something is wrong & we talked about it but I said I'm staying round a friends whilst I try to think about the future & my job) - I am currently arriving home from work, having dinner, saying goodnight to my wife & son & then spending the night at my girlfriends. It's a mess, I don't know what to do & feel like I'm going insane. I have no-one else to talk to about this & have been trying to deal with it by myself but it's too hard & although I would never normally write on something like this - I need help - really need help!!
Submitted: 5 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Elliott, LPCC, NCC replied 5 years ago.
Seeking expert testimony is a sign of strength. A personal relationship with a caring professional is proven clinically effective

Dear friend,

Your wife has so far put up with you but she may soon tire of this arrangement and become very angry with you. You do not offer much to her. You are having an affair right in her face, more or less. You reject her sexually, which must destroy what is left of her self-esteem,

You say that you still love her, but not quite enough to figuratively plunge a dagger into her back. I am sure that you do not want to hurt her, but if she is not inwardly devastated by this turn of affairs, then she is not like almost all other women. If you truly loved her, you would not be able to do this to her, and she realizes this, or will realize it soon.

That you lost your desire for your wife was outside of your control. That you formed a relationship with another woman whilst married, and then moved in with her (even in part) was an act of unkindness towards your wife, and a major step toward the destruction of your marriage.

If you are in love with another woman, at this point, you cannot change that, nor should you. However, you must make a clean break with your wife and not just hold on to her for a financial advantage. It will be difficult, indeed, particularly financially, but at least you will not feel like you are "going insane".

You cannot have it all your way, and you must consider your wife's feelings. She doesn't have that much to lose, since she has long ago lost you. She doesn't deserve the humiliation that you bring to her every night and she deserves the freedom to be a single woman, and not the victim of a husband who spends most of his quality time and all of his sexual energy on an attractive woman 10 years her junior.

I know you want to do the right thing for your family, especially for your son. That is why you need to make a clean break with your wife with a divorce, and then feel free to pursue this new relationship unencumbered. You might even find a better job.

You cannot have it both ways any more and retain your peace of mind, which is the most important. Making a clean break is the very best course of action for you and the attainment and maintenance of peace of mind.

I wish you the strength and courage to see this through.

Warm regards,

Elliott Sewell, LPCC, NCC
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