Relationship

Have Relationship Questions? Ask a Counselor for Answers ASAP

Ask an Expert,
Get an Answer ASAP!

Relationship

Ok. So I am a 21-year-old male resident advisor at UNC. There

Customer Question
Ok. So I am...
Ok. So I am a 21-year-old male resident advisor at UNC. There is a girl who works on my staff who I really, really like. She is unlike anyone I have ever met before. She is kind, genuine, sweet, close to God, and very talented (she sings, dances, and is an amazing artist). I had been spending some quality time with her throughout the course of the semester. We went to a play together, we cooked together, we've had some pretty deep conversations. A week and a half ago, I asked her to my fraternity's semiformal, and she excitedly said yes! I was very excited to be going with her, and I thought things would go well. However, two weeks before the event, she came to visit me in my room and told me that she should've thought about her answer more carefully. She said she wouldn't feel comfortable going with me in this context, and that she was dealing with a lot of personal issues at this time. This whole "yes now, no later" thing has happened to me a couple times before, unfortunately, but it has not hurt me as much as this one. I'm tired of being rejected in this fashion, and I never feel like I truly get a chance.

I still really like this girl. I can really see a future with her. I have also managed to overcome adversity before. I was initially rejected by UNC, but I worked hard and was able to get accepted as a transfer from Penn State the next year. I was one place away from advancing to state chorus in high school during my junior year, but I came back and placed into state my senior year. I just want to know: What do I do now? I won't be able to simply forget about her; we work on the same staff. I want to spend more time with her and get the message across that I want to be with her. Please tell me what I can do to accomplish this. I'm heartsick and I don't know where to go from here =(
Submitted: 6 years ago.Category: Relationship
Show More
Show Less
Ask Your Own Relationship Question
Answered in 44 minutes by:
11/4/2011
Counselor: Doctor Kevin, Ph.D. replied 6 years ago
Doctor Kevin
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1,482
Experience: 24 years in a private practice
Verified

Kevin Kappler :

Thank you for choosing JustAnswerr! You are upset at her changing her mind and that is understandable. The fact that you want to continue in the relationship is also good but will require you to be patient. What is not understandable is when the fact that she rejected you brings out all the resentment of being rejected so many times before. You are using this event to bring up all the events that were similar in your past. Those are what we call your baggage that you need to address and make sure that it does not get in the way and ruin this relationship. If you cant get some closure on those past traumas you may consider some therapy focusing on that. Relationships have a way of pointing out our faults and unfinished business.


I see that you are currently off-line. I have responded to your request as best as I can. If you have more to add about the situation feel free to do so. If you have already received a satisfactory answer to your question, click the accept button. Experts are paid only for each accepted answer they provide.

Customer:

But how is it baggage, exactly? This just happens to be something that frequently occurs to me, for no particular reason. I just get frustrated when it happens because it happens from different girls. There's no real connection behind it; it's just something that happens to me. I have not been in a relationship for over three years, and because of things like these, it doesn't feel like I can even get my foot in the door, if you will. I feel like I never get a chance, and it makes me wonder if I ever will...

Kevin Kappler :

Baggage is any emotional unresolved issue you carry with you through life. You have several matching bags (most people do) that all have the central theme of you getting rejected. The connection behind it is you and the number of bags you bring to the current situation. Avoiding relationships does not put an end to this cycle but processing this conviction that if you start to care about someone they will disappoint you by rejecting you will end it. You need to work on that very phrase: "I feel like I never get a chance and it makes me wonder if I ever will." It is a fatalistic negative self concept that becomes its own self fulfilling prophecy. Only you have control of it and can stop it anytime you decide to resolve it and drop the bags and walk away. in this case it would be to not let the rejection destroy your relationship but to remain patient and wait for her to come around.


You have stepped out of the chat, but you can still work with me to get an answer to your question if you have more to talk about. Come back to this page at any time to see additional information from me. You will also receive an email when your question is updated. If you want to send a message to me, use the box below. If you have already received a satisfactory answer to your question, click the Accept button above. Experts are paid only for each accepted answer they provide.

Customer:

Ok, I see what you're saying. I have tried to not let these thoughts resurface, and they have not prevented me from looking for a relationship. I guess what they have done is affected my minset and caused me to think about the worst-case scenarios.

Customer:

What are some ways that I can be patient with this girl? How can I show her (without forcing anything or being too chummy) that we can be a good match?

Kevin Kappler :

The ways to not let your past influence this relationship have to do with expectations and emotional reactions. If your expectations are that you are going to be rejected you will find any little rejection and magnify it. Learn to recognize this and as soon as you go there in your mind stop it. The second is the emotional reaction of "Here it goes again, she is pulling away from me." or some variant of that emotional lament. The more you can recognize old baggage the quicker you can be at neutralizing it. At first you will be surprised at the number of times you go back to it. Then it gradually subsides. Keep working on it.

Doctor Kevin
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1,482
Experience: 24 years in a private practice
Verified
Doctor Kevin and 87 other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Ask your own question now
Ask Doctor Kevin Your Own Question
Doctor Kevin
Doctor Kevin
Doctor Kevin, Ph.D.
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1,482
1,482 Satisfied Customers
Experience: 24 years in a private practice

Doctor Kevin is online now

A new question is answered every 9 seconds

How JustAnswer works:

  • Ask an ExpertExperts are full of valuable knowledge and are ready to help with any question. Credentials confirmed by a Fortune 500 verification firm.
  • Get a Professional AnswerVia email, text message, or notification as you wait on our site. Ask follow up questions if you need to.
  • 100% Satisfaction GuaranteeRate the answer you receive.

JustAnswer in the News:

Ask-a-doc Web sites: If you've got a quick question, you can try to get an answer from sites that say they have various specialists on hand to give quick answers... Justanswer.com.
JustAnswer.com...has seen a spike since October in legal questions from readers about layoffs, unemployment and severance.
Web sites like justanswer.com/legal
...leave nothing to chance.
Traffic on JustAnswer rose 14 percent...and had nearly 400,000 page views in 30 days...inquiries related to stress, high blood pressure, drinking and heart pain jumped 33 percent.
Tory Johnson, GMA Workplace Contributor, discusses work-from-home jobs, such as JustAnswer in which verified Experts answer people’s questions.
I will tell you that...the things you have to go through to be an Expert are quite rigorous.

What Customers are Saying:

Wonderful service, prompt, efficient, and accurate. Couldn't have asked for more. I cannot thank you enough for your help.

Mary C.Freshfield, Liverpool, UK

This expert is wonderful. They truly know what they are talking about, and they actually care about you. They really helped put my nerves at ease. Thank you so much!!!!

AlexLos Angeles, CA

Thank you for all your help. It is nice to know that this service is here for people like myself, who need answers fast and are not sure who to consult.

GPHesperia, CA

I couldn't be more satisfied! This is the site I will always come to when I need a second opinion.

JustinKernersville, NC

Just let me say that this encounter has been entirely professional and most helpful. I liked that I could ask additional questions and get answered in a very short turn around.

EstherWoodstock, NY

Thank you so much for taking your time and knowledge to support my concerns. Not only did you answer my questions, you even took it a step further with replying with more pertinent information I needed to know.

RobinElkton, Maryland

He answered my question promptly and gave me accurate, detailed information. If all of your experts are half as good, you have a great thing going here.

DianeDallas, TX

< Previous | Next >

Meet the Experts:

TherapistMaryAnn

TherapistMaryAnn

Counselor

1,706 satisfied customers

Over 20 years experience specializing in anxiety, depression, drug and alcohol, and relationship issues

Ms Chase

Ms Chase

Life Coach

853 satisfied customers

Over 20 yrs experience with Relationships, Sexuality, Friendship, and Family Issues

Alicia_MSW

Alicia_MSW

Psychotherapist

468 satisfied customers

Specializing in relationship/family counseling

Dr. Norman Brown

Dr. Norman Brown

Marriage Therapist

426 satisfied customers

Family Therapist & teacher 35+ yrs; PhD research in couples

Dr. L

Dr. L

Psychologist

366 satisfied customers

Licensed as a Psychologist and Marriage & Family Therapist.

Suzanne

Suzanne

Therapist, LCSW

338 satisfied customers

Experienced in treating trauma, relationship issues, co-dependency

DrJackiePhD

DrJackiePhD

Doctor

336 satisfied customers

I have been doing research in relational/interpersonal communication since 1998. My Ph.D. is in interpersonal communication.

< Previous | Next >

Related Relationship Questions
Ongoing relationships with a man who really doesn't care
Hello, ongoing relationships with a man who really doesn't care about me, even though he thinks he does!! … read more
TherapistJen
TherapistJen
Licensed Clinical Social Worker
Master\u0027s Degree
950 satisfied customers
My ex and I of 2 YRS broke up in the beginning of Sept (she
My ex and I of 2 YRS broke up in the beginning of Sept (she broke up with me because she said I wasn't who I used to be ans i created doubt in her mind about us). A week after we broke up she started … read more
Rosemary S.
Rosemary S.
Master\u0027s Degree
6 satisfied customers
Seven months ago, I got dumped by a man I consider my
Seven months ago, I got dumped by a man I consider my soulmate. It's been the most painful breakup I've ever experienced. Even though we were only together a little over a year, we had a very deep con… read more
Rosemary S.
Rosemary S.
Master\u0027s Degree
6 satisfied customers
I dreamed last nignt in black an, that the man that i
hello i dreamed last nignt in black an white , that the man that i secretly love was combing my hair. i was sitting on the floor my head on his lap , he had a black com and he was so gentle combing an… read more
DreamsBySue
DreamsBySue
Social Worker
Masters Degree (MSW)
68 satisfied customers
My husband and I have been together for 5 years and married
My husband and I have been together for 5 years and married just under a year. We have lived together for 3 years. I have 2 children from a previous marriage and he has 2 children from a previous marr… read more
JohnMichaels,MS,LPC
JohnMichaels,MS,LPC
Counselor
Master\u0027s Degree
166 satisfied customers
My husband, toddler & I moved in with my in-laws house, in
My husband, toddler & I moved in with my in-laws house, in husbands home “village” after independent city life since graduating as a pharmacist 20+ years ago. I was a high achiever in everything I did… read more
TherapistJen
TherapistJen
Licensed Clinical Social Worker
Master\u0027s Degree
950 satisfied customers
Our 16 yr old grandaughter who always was close to us told
Our 16 yr old grandaughter who always was close to us told us we are a distraction to her now. We don't know how to talk to her because she only likes to txt and everything we say seems to be the wron… read more
JohnMichaels,MS,LPC
JohnMichaels,MS,LPC
Counselor
Master\u0027s Degree
166 satisfied customers
Dispair! My 12 yo step-daughter repeatedly takes things that
Dispair! My 12 yo step-daughter repeatedly takes things that do not belong to her (my old cell phone, several of my rings, neighbor girl's shoes) and lies about it. Like one of the other readers, she … read more
JohnMichaels,MS,LPC
JohnMichaels,MS,LPC
Counselor
Master\u0027s Degree
166 satisfied customers
My daughter is influenced by her no good boyfriend and made
my daughter is influenced by her no good boyfriend and made her call me a c unt a crakwhore and other things. I am at my end. I told her that I don't want to see her again until he is out of the pictu… read more
JohnMichaels,MS,LPC
JohnMichaels,MS,LPC
Counselor
Master\u0027s Degree
166 satisfied customers
I am upset and worried because my boyfriend and I are not
Hello, I am upset and worried because my boyfriend and I are not getting along anymore. I read a book and realized that he is using verbal abuse to supposedly help me but all he does is make me feel w… read more
TherapistJen
TherapistJen
Licensed Clinical Social Worker
Master\u0027s Degree
950 satisfied customers
My boyfriend and I broke up less than a month ago. I tried
Hi! my boyfriend and I broke up less than a month ago. I tried to make things work between us but he didn't want to, although he still loves me! Anyway, after two weeks of trying to convince to be tog… read more
Rosemary S.
Rosemary S.
Master\u0027s Degree
6 satisfied customers
What is the proper way for a widower to introduce his girl
What is the proper way for a widower to introduce his girl friend to his mother in law? … read more
JohnMichaels,MS,LPC
JohnMichaels,MS,LPC
Counselor
Master\u0027s Degree
166 satisfied customers
I am a 61 year old divorced female who has been in a been
This question is for Cher. Hi- I am a 61 year old divorced female who has been in a been living with the same man for 9 1/2 years. We have had some problems off and on in the last year - he moved out … read more
Dr. Keane
Dr. Keane
Doctoral Degree
385 satisfied customers
My mother, four year old daughter and I are I assume
My mother, four year old daughter and I are I assume kidnapped since I don't remember how we got to the house that the dream started in, in this house we were all in the same room locked up together, … read more
JohnMichaels,MS,LPC
JohnMichaels,MS,LPC
Counselor
Master\u0027s Degree
166 satisfied customers
She knew my thoughts about Netherlands. I say thoughts
Hello,Yes, she knew my thoughts about Netherlands. I say thoughts because I was not certain, and she was telling me that she is maybe moving to Malta for 3 months. That was the first problem from the … read more
Therapist Leslie
Therapist Leslie
Masters, Professional Psychology
5 satisfied customers
I was in a relationship with this girl for a year. It was
Hey so i was in a relationship with this girl for a year. It was extremely serious and we were planning on getting married. Its kind of a crazy situation. Would you like me to explain. … read more
TherapistJen
TherapistJen
Licensed Clinical Social Worker
Master\u0027s Degree
950 satisfied customers
My sister's husband just got married in a "very private"
My sister's husband just got married in a "very private" ceremony .(My sister passed away 5 years ago.) I was not invited, but received an announcement. How much should I spend on a wedding gift? I am… read more
Rosemary S.
Rosemary S.
Master\u0027s Degree
6 satisfied customers
What's the fastest, healthiest way to process through grief
What's the fastest, healthiest way to process through grief during an ongoing, dragged out divorce? What's the best way to keep esteem high if the other party is highly negative, miserable, depressed,… read more
JohnMichaels,MS,LPC
JohnMichaels,MS,LPC
Counselor
Master\u0027s Degree
166 satisfied customers
Disclaimer: Information in questions, answers, and other posts on this site ("Posts") comes from individual users, not JustAnswer; JustAnswer is not responsible for Posts. Posts are for general information, are not intended to substitute for informed professional advice (medical, legal, veterinary, financial, etc.), or to establish a professional-client relationship. The site and services are provided "as is" with no warranty or representations by JustAnswer regarding the qualifications of Experts. To see what credentials have been verified by a third-party service, please click on the "Verified" symbol in some Experts' profiles. JustAnswer is not intended or designed for EMERGENCY questions which should be directed immediately by telephone or in-person to qualified professionals.

Disclaimer: Information in questions, answers, and other posts on this site ("Posts") comes from individual users, not JustAnswer; JustAnswer is not responsible for Posts. Posts are for general information, are not intended to substitute for informed professional advice (medical, legal, veterinary, financial, etc.), or to establish a professional-client relationship. The site and services are provided "as is" with no warranty or representations by JustAnswer regarding the qualifications of Experts. To see what credentials have been verified by a third-party service, please click on the "Verified" symbol in some Experts' profiles. JustAnswer is not intended or designed for EMERGENCY questions which should be directed immediately by telephone or in-person to qualified professionals.

Show MoreShow Less

Ask Your Question

x