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psychlady, Counselor
Category: Relationship
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Experience:  I have over 16 years experience in treating adults presenting with a variety of relationship issues
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I am back and forth about how I feel towards my boyfriend.

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I am back and forth about how I feel towards my boyfriend. He is a great guy and has a lot to offer someone. However lately I have been feeling bored and irritated with him. I should mention we also have a long distance relationships (3 hours). We have been together 7 months. We met online and decided this summer after having been dating for 3 months that we'd like to live together just for a few months. So I found a summer job (I am a 23year old student) and moved in with him for two months. Things went really well and I enjoyed myself. We hit a bit of a speed bump when he found out that he was the father of a 3 year old boy. We got through it together and he decided not to have any contact with the child but is paying child support. My partner is of high moral character and is being very unselfish about the entire situation. He feels awful about the whole thing. The child was from a one night stand relationship when he was in university. I have done my best to be supportive. We know that we are here for one another to talk. We don't usually talk about it though and proceed as if nothing has happened. I am now back living in my town (3 hours away), working and going to school. When I see my partner things feel better but I feel disconnected from the relationship when I am away from him. My partner is calm and collected, patient, kind, sensitive, loves the outdoors, mature, a mans man and has a high sex drive. I feel that he lacks in passion, creativity, romance and emotional intelligence. I don't feel like we connect on the level that I want to. I find myself not interested in having intercourse with him lately. I should mention that in order for him to climax he needs hard fast sex and it often hurst me. He doesn't like that it hurts me and feels awful.  I do find myself fantasizing about other people. I have never cheated and know I would never do that to my partner. But I feel like I want to. I am a business student with a promising career in the consulting industry and he is a rancher who has an interest in football scouting. He always says how flexible he is and willing to move to be with me. But in the same hand I know what he wants is to stay in the same place forever and ranch. I am not ready to make that kind of commitment as I don't know where my life will take me. Plus his lifestyle restricts him in some ways. For example, we will never travel for extended periods of time because he can't leave the livestock for that long. We do have a lot in common. We both enjoy the outdoors, same type of movies, neither of us use drugs or alcohol, and like to travel. I respect my partner and feel that although we are smart in different ways we are intellectual equals. I fear though that I am still growing and he has stopped. I also feel that I am more cultural than he is. I just purchased an SUV so that I would be safer traveling to and from his place every other weekend. The highways aren't great and we get a lot of snow in our area. Plus he lives off of paved roads. I hit the ditch twice in the summer in my old car and so I purchased a better vehicle. I know it shouldn't weigh into my decision of whether to date him or not. Another factor is my parents approve of him and think the world of him. They also think he is good for me. I am a passionate person, creative, sensitive, emotional, dreamer, cultural, love for learning, cooking, singing, reading, people and the arts, I am driven, many goals, controlling and stubborn. I have been in one other serious realtionship. I know I have a hard time breaking up with someone. I was with someone who I know see clearly as very wrong for me. I let the relationship get to the point where I was engaged to this person. Three months after this relationship I started dating my current partner. I am wondering how if I should move on from this relationship or put more work into it. I fear that I am the problem and I would be throwing away a great partner.

Long distance relationships are difficult and you have to ask yourself if the distance is part of your unhappiness. In a long distance relationship the intimacy is never going to be there as in a regular relationship. The question is whether the issues making you feel this disconnect can be corrected. For instance if he has a lack of ability to connect with you that may not be fixable. But if he needs help expressing himself that is fixable. Only you know if you can live with his personality and what you can't live with can be changed (assuming that he wants to change it). This is more than having something in common. You have to want this relationship as does he. Before you approach him you have to decide what you want. That has to be decided first. Decide if the disconnect is something that can be addressed by you as a couple.


As far as sexual pleasure that has to be part of your decision. If sex isn't going to be enjoyable than that plays a role in your decision. He also has to be willing to compromise. It's not about his sexual pleasure all the time.


This relationship has serious issues. If someone lacks passion that is going to impact the relationship indefinately. This child will also be a stressor. Even though you have talked about it this still will play a role as the child grows because the child may want to have a bond with him.


If you have a hard time breaking up with people then this could be that problem occurring in this situation. You don't want to hurt his feelings so you are doubting yourself. If the relationship isn't working or there is something you can't live with then end it nicely but with a period. Be honest with yourself in evaluating everything and decide if you want this guy without basing it on his reaction.



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