How JustAnswer Works:
  • Ask an Expert
    Experts are full of valuable knowledge and are ready to help with any question. Credentials confirmed by a Fortune 500 verification firm.
  • Get a Professional Answer
    Via email, text message, or notification as you wait on our site.
    Ask follow up questions if you need to.
  • 100% Satisfaction Guarantee
    Rate the answer you receive.
Ask Mark Manley Your Own Question
Mark Manley
Mark Manley, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 402
Experience:  Want help with your most important relationships? Licensed Marriage/Family Counselor.
Type Your Relationship Question Here...
Mark Manley is online now
A new question is answered every 9 seconds

Hello i am really in need of some advice, me and my wife split

Customer Question

Hello i am really in need of some advice, me and my wife split up in december 2010 and since then have had daily communication as if we were still together. we did go for coucilselling in march of 2011 but was only able to attend 3 sessions before relate who we were using were all made redundant, i have found myself at her beckon call as we have 2 and a half year old twins which get to much for her at times, i would on average go over to hers a couple of times a week to have tea help bath them and settle them down, Everytime i speak with my wife about reconsiliation she always says that she is not coming back !! i believe i am making mistakes as i constantly talk about getting back together and how things would be different (Mainly due to the fact that i am not working in the same high pressure long hour job that i was doing when with her) if i do not contact her then she will call daily and i i offer out to lunch she will agree but then that usually turns out to me offloading again about reconsiliation, i totally believe that we can be very happy together and are main problem was never really communicating properly with each other when we were together, i have been trying to rsolve this now myself for 10 months but cant move on as day by day i find myself falling even more in love with her and wanting to contact her to again try and convince her !! by the way neither ofus has moved on to other relationships, i am just wondering what i can do?
Submitted: 5 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Mark Manley replied 5 years ago.
Thanks for using Justanswer.

I am sorry you find yourself in such painful circumstances.

Can you provide me with the following information so I can better assist you? Thanks.

How long were you together before she became pregnant?

What are your ages?

Do you have previous marriages?

Do you have other children?

What do you think was the original attraction for you? and for her?

What reason(s) does she give for her statement "I am not coming back"?

Any other history or information you think may be helpful for me to know?


Mark Manley
Customer: replied 5 years ago.
We were together for 7 years before we conceived;
I am 40 and she is 31
no previous marraiges for either of us
i have two other children 19 and 14 years of age
I hired her as a sales rep i was always her manager for all the time we worked together until 2007 we then married in february 2008 and the twins were born in december 2008 !
i believe her attraction to me was maybe something to do with i was her boss but she also says its because of my cheekiness and eyes !!!
i was in a high presure sales enviroment and worked 60 + hours a week she said i talked down to her and was sarcastic at times! an exaple would be that i would say something sarcastic or belittling to her then we would be fine for a fortnight then i would say something again then spend roughly two weeks being ok again etc etc she believes that nothing will change !!
although i know and it has been commented on that since i left that posiyion in february of this year that i have become far more laid back and patient !!
since then though i think because everytime i see or speak with her i talk about getting back together it actually makes her frustrated that i am constantly going on about it !! we were not even friends on facebook until recently as she asked me what security i had on it as she could not see my profile and pictures !!
i am trying the no contact over the last day and she did try calling last night which i didnt take and text me this morning just asking to pay money in today early for child support !
we still laugh a lot at each other but as soon as i mention sorting things she just says the same thing again !!
Expert:  Mark Manley replied 5 years ago.
Thanks for the additional information. You are on the right track. What causes you to keep making the same mistake, or what prevents you from following your plan to stop pursing her. You have the right idea but are having difficulty carrying it out. What do you understand about your self in this regard?
Customer: replied 5 years ago.
I suppose im desperate for her to come back and wheni see her i honestly do melt, i find it very difficult to not mention it at all and sometimes see it as a wasted oppurtunity to resolve things,
I realise that i didnt really appreciate her whilst i was with her enough also found that she is the most important person in my life there are very few moments in the day that i am not thinking about her,
Im really concerned that she will find someone else and that will be that !
she is coming over today to drop the twins off but wont stay long due the traffic around the town as she now lives in a town about 20 miles away, its where she moved directly from the seperation,
She has also introduced me to a company where she does some work its a networking company selling health and beauty products its just a 2nd line income although she is doing pretty well at it, she also wants me to go to a meeting next week where she has spoken with the MD and he wants to have a chat with me ?
i feel like she is slipping through my fingers and dont really know what else to say to her ?
Expert:  Mark Manley replied 5 years ago.
You are not going to loose her by missing opportunities to pursue, persuade, and convince her, rather you are going to loose her by using every contact as an opportunity to purse, persuade, and convince. It is unmanly and therefore unattractive to appear so dependent upon her for your happiness. If you don't get a hold of your self you are going to mess up what ever prospects you may have with her. Your task is to move from a state of needing her to a state of wanting her. You can 'want' her with all your heart but you can't cross the line of 'needing' her. You will know you are in the right place when the thought of not having her in your life leaves you feeling very very sad, but not devastated. When you get to the place of want not need, you will be able to stop bringing the topic of reconciliation up. Once you are to 'want' not 'need', if you find yourself continuing to harangue her this could be indicative of a tendency to manipulate others with relentless pressure to get what you want (this would also be an unattractive trait).

One other huge benefit that may accrue to you in this process is that if in the course of time she perceives you to be 'OK' with or with out her, and she perceives you to be open, genuine, non-manipulative and not self serving, she may be able to communicate to you more clearly what wasn't working for her that caused her to leave.

I am so sorry for your pain.

Mark Manley

Related Relationship Questions