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psychlady, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 6893
Experience:  I have over 16 years experience in treating adults presenting with a variety of relationship issues
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I am struggling with whether to stay in my marraige of 25 years

Resolved Question:

I am struggling with whether to stay in my marraige of 25 years after discovering my husband's third affair this past Feb. The first two happened about 14 yrs ago and obviously I stayed then (for various reasons), I know I will never get past the broken trust, etc, yet cannot leave because of financial reasons. I am unemployed due to health issues and do not know when/if I can return to work enough to support myself. After discovering his infidelity this recent time, we did not have sex for almost 5 months...we have since been intimate a few times but there really is no connection...just going through the motions. One of our "issues" have always been our differing "sexual needs"...he is very highly sex-oriented, while I am rarely "in the mood", even before his affairs. We have tried counseling, but if really didn't do any good.
To be honest, this time, I just don't care anymore.......yet I can't do I live with this?
Submitted: 5 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  psychlady replied 5 years ago.

If you just don't care then the possibility that this will last is not good and counseling would not be effective. You both have to want to make this work. It is okay to realize that the relationship has run its course. When affairs happen the other partner is often left feeling betrayed and ready to move on. It is okay to voice your feelings and you should sit down together and decide what you can do considering your financial situation. He may be willing considering his history to help you by coming up with something unusual or something you haven't thought about. He may agree to help support you, or leave the home part of the time so that you have resources, or share the home in some way. Of course the real solutions are up to you and your husband. Instead of cohabitating admit to him that you are done and how would he like to help you with this considering you have been a loyal partner for years. What you should not do is anything that resembles a partner this includes sex. This confuses him and you. You don't want to appear that you are leaving the door of opportunity open. When there is no hope you say there is no hope. Work this out together.


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Customer: replied 5 years ago.
I guess I know "what" should happen, but reality is, it won't because neither os us can support individual households by ourselves. I have no family on which to rely and would obviously loss the "inlaws" if we separated. Our house is very small, with no "extra rooms or space to create separate areas for each of us. Honestly, I feel trapped.
Expert:  psychlady replied 5 years ago.
Don't get discouraged. Still seek out a solution that works for both of you. Those were just suggestions. Bring this to him and what he is willing to do. He may surprise you. If you can afford a therapist, that could be a source of support too. There are supports that aren't family.
Customer: replied 5 years ago.

Why do I feel like the "bad" one in this if I don't keep the marraige together....? He's thinking it will "work out" because I didn't kick him out right away and has the attitude that I should just get "over it". He has even said this last "time" wasn't an "affair" because it only happened once (he says) and there wasn't intercourse, "only" oral sex.......I honestly don't think he does or will ever understand what all this has done to matter how much I try to explain.....

Expert:  psychlady replied 5 years ago.
Since when is oral sex not an affair. He met up with someone, they had sex and he was married that is an affair. Don't try to prove it to him. That proves that he is totally insensitive to your needs and the relationship. He isn't going to change. With all that said you don't have to make him understand you are done. It is what it is. Continue to get him to understand that it is over. You don't have to feel guilty. You did nothing wrong. Now you are cutting your losses. He should have lost the relationship the first few times. He isn't going to understand. If he did he would stop having sex with other people. Remember that and you won't feel so guilty. You focus on you right now. Don't try too hard to make him understand. He isn't going to. Focus on you!
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