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Ive been dating a girl for 1 year and 10 months. She says

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I've been dating a girl...
I've been dating a girl for 1 year and 10 months. She says it's okay for her not to know if she wants to have kids someday or get married. I'm 33 and know I want to have a family and children in the future God willing. She wants me to not talk about it and give her time to enjoy each other and hopefully figure out if that's what she wants. I don't know how to take this b/c I wish she was beyond thrilled to plan a future with me and know she wanted kids...I don't want to be the person that took any other dreams away from her she might have...Thanks for any advice
Submitted: 6 years ago.Category: Relationship
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Answered in 4 hours by:
11/1/2011
Counselor: Dr Rossi, Licensed Psychotherapist replied 6 years ago
Dr Rossi
Dr Rossi, Licensed Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 4,627
Experience: Certified Hypnotherapist, Author, 13+years of experience.
Verified

Hi,

 

It may not necessarily be a case where she is not thrilled but rather she differs in her way of expressing that to you. She may in deed want to enjoy and live in the present moment and see how things unfold. Or she may not be making a whole lot of future plans because on some level she fears that if things don't work out for whatever reason, she may feel hurt (and is telling you not to talk about it as ensuring this won't happen) It is a defense mechanism (avoidance)

It is also possible that she does not know today what she wants down the road 6 mo, 1 year, 5+ years etc. That does not in itself indicate that she would not want the same things as you do. At the present time, she is still learning about what else does life have to offer her.

It may be helpful if you honor her wish not to talk about it as much. Still notice what she enjoys doing (or even what dreams if any she shares even if they do not relate to family/married life but to personal goals of her re: career, travel, etc) The two of you may have different goals not only of the relationship but individual goals. As to where you may feel more ready to settle down, she may feel more adventurous and wants to explore that side of herself. The two of you can still revisit the other ideas later on (depending on how long you may want to be dating before proposing to her if you've been thinking about it)

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Customer reply replied 6 years ago

 

She lived abroad a few semesters in college and has a passion for the Spanish culture. I'm afraid if we do go down a path of marriage and family that she will resent me for the unfulfilled dreams of living abroad that she may have or let go to pursue a different life path with me. Or simply leave a note one day saying she's moving abroad. I would hope to share each other's dreams and lives together but it seems that she wants them alone (that independent time in her life was very important to her). It's very difficult for me to live in the present time and simply enjoy each other if we don't share common dreams/goals. She's a person that can second guess every choice and I truly believe she will never know what she wants. I don't know whether to move on b/c waiting a year (her wishes) for her to self explore makes me feel like it's not about us, that I can be replaced, and that I have no say in the future. I am uncomfortable that she doesn't know she wants a family someday whether it be with me or not. When is it time to take, "I don't know what I want" as a, "No?" or that it's simply I don't want those things with you. I'm not a person to put a time table on a relationship but believe when someone finds the right person they can acknowledge they want a future with that person, knowing that couples break up (common sense). I deeply care for this woman and we spend nearly every night together, support each other, laugh, and love each other. I don't want to give up on this but her actions don't coincide with her words. Should I move on before I'm 35 years old, still with the same person that doesn't know what they want in life in regards XXXXX XXXXX a family? Or, knowing that she might say I want a life abroad, single? How do I feel comfortable, appreciated, and excited? What should I do?

 

I sincerely XXXXX XXXXX help and advice.

Counselor: Dr Rossi, Licensed Psychotherapist replied 6 years ago

If she feels pressured in saying or doing anything that she is not coming up front with herself, she can always change her mind later. There are many wives who after some time say that they missed on life and leave their husbands. In her case, at least she is not rushing into anything. It is her behavior that is causing you to feel unsettled and you would want to think hard about what you want for yourself at this time. She may not be a part of it and then that is something to deal with. As far as how to feel appreciated and excited, another person should not be held responsible to elicit those feelings within you. It is as though you're saying that your happiness and peace of mind is dependent on her behavior. That may cause some resentment on her part. In that respect you'd have to change your expectations of her and also figure out why she has this power over your life.

You are correct- both partners have to have more things in common (including goals) in order for the relationship to work out. You know her better and a No should be a No versus I don't know. If she continues to not know, you'd still have to let her know what you want and then do it (even if it includes splitting up ) She may be someone who is comfortable going through life with poorly defined goals or desires and you should not be expected to sit around and wait indefinitely for her to make up her mind. If you want marriage at some point, then you discuss it with her. The two of you may even go to a premarital therapist to see if she will open up and identify what is causing her to be stuck. It depends on how long you want to wait ex: one more year or start making plans now.

Dr Rossi
Dr Rossi, Licensed Psychotherapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 4,627
Experience: Certified Hypnotherapist, Author, 13+years of experience.
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