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Ask Rev.Dr. August Abbott Your Own Question
Rev.Dr. August Abbott
Rev.Dr. August Abbott, Clergy
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 7613
Experience:  Ordained minister: Counselor (spiritual/life)
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My husband wants to know details about an affair I had last

Resolved Question:

My husband wants to know details about an affair I had last year. Is it better to answer or not answer? We want to save the marriage....
Submitted: 5 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Rev.Dr. August Abbott replied 5 years ago.
-- So you both had affairs? What is the time line here ? How long ago was his and when was the counseling?

Did you have yours after the counseling and if so, how long after?

Why did he - and why did you?
Customer: replied 5 years ago.
My husband began his affairs while dating me and continued sporadically throughout the marriage-- with males. I discovered all this 7 years ago. He does not know why and he goes to counseling. I fell apart little by little and last year I couldn't take it any longer. I told him I wanted a divorce and removed my wedding ring. I met a man who seemed to be a perfect fit for me and he liked me, wanted me. We began an affair and, of course, this man didn't love me either. I am in counseling ix a week now. Today was my 2nd meeting.
Expert:  Rev.Dr. August Abbott replied 5 years ago.
-- Your husband is unfaithful (or 'was') with other men. I fully understand the religious aspect that may be keeping you (both?) from using the word, but a man who desires other men is, by definition, homosexual, or at least bi-sexual.

Increasingly respected studies are finding genetic differences in individuals who are drawn to same sex.

You should know that even though this might be his genetic predisposition, he can still love you. It doesn't negate that.

With men, the sex act is generally far less emotional and more physical. Our biological (animal) instincts dictate these differences in order to keep the species thriving and reproducing. Some have posed that same sex attraction is a natural 'birth control'. It does occur in just about all other animals and since dogs, cats, etc. do not have higher thought processes or sentience (freedom of choice) it dampens the belief that someone is attracted to same sex out of conscious decision.

--- So what I'm saying is that the counseling must continue, but perhaps to better identify who each of you are sexually and honestly deal with that result.

Now, when it comes to your choice to remove your ring and then cheat, you do know that removing your ring did not, in any real way, free you up to be with another man. You were not divorced, you were not legally separated. You were, however, justifying your "choice" to be unfaithful.

Women form more emotional connections in order to have sex. Thus you looked for this man to be a "perfect fit" for you, even if you had to make it up.

You're doing the right thing by going to counseling. I believe the real issue here isn't so much the unfaithfulness, but whether or not the union (marriage) was made in all honesty.

Your husband is the one who knows the answer to that, but he must work through shame and denial to get there.

Then, you have to face some uncomfortable feelings, including betrayal. You trusted him and his committment to you. If you find out that he's not honestly heterosexual it will be several layers of hurt for you to go through.

And you'll both have to make the decision when it's all said and done, as to whether to stay together out of love (like I said, you can love each other above and beyond the physical) or not.

Until then though, both of you need to agree to not talk about the intimate details without a 'referee' (counselor) to guide you both through it.

This isn't going to be easy, but it seems you're pretty devoted to each other and no matter how it ends up, preserving that friendship and love would be worthwhile.

You both have all my very best wishes,

Rev.Dr. August Abbott and other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you

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