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Im having issues with one of my friends whom Ive known for…

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I'm having issues with one...
I'm having issues with one of my friends whom I've known for about two years. We see each other occasionally but do not talk every day.

Anyway, in all that time, I really don't know this person very wel. Although I occasionally bring up examples, sentimental stories and good times from my past, this person rarely talks about themselves and usually only after being questioned by someone else. This person has raised some serious relationship problems they have been having. But, I only remember this one instance. Even when I prod and ask questions, like what their favorite things in life, favorite restaurants, pet peeves etc., all I get is a dumbfounded look, no answer and I'm just frustrated.

There is no doubt that we have a good time when work together, laughing, joking and all that. But, it seems it's always about something superficial. We have talked about anything meaningful, not that I'm expecting long conversations about peace in the Middle East. No one

I should tell you that this person in their 20s and is more than 10 years younger than me, if that makes a difference, although age has never been an issue at all. No one

what you think? How do I get this person to open up, to share and be a friend.
Submitted: 6 years ago.Category: Relationship
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Answered in 9 minutes by:
10/6/2011
Counselor: psychlady, Counselor replied 6 years ago
psychlady
psychlady, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 6,893
Experience: I have over 16 years experience in treating adults presenting with a variety of relationship issues
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Customer reply replied 6 years ago

I can't imagine it's because of the person being uncomfortable around me.

After all, it's been almost 2 years. Like I said, They have already shared a very intimate piece of information about themselves and the person they are seen to at least let me know more then what they had for lunch, how much they slept the night before, problems with their car.

I don't believe it's because this person lacks any depth because they are intelligent. I agree that it's not because of age. But, what is it?

 


I have already prodded this person at least twice about my concern and wanting to know more about them. But, all I get is "I don't know" "what do you want" etc. etc.

 


I really like this person and see the possibility of a long-term relationship. But, I'm not sure how long it will last if all the talk about are foods that are fattening, bad eating habits or stories I've been up from my childhood. I just seem to be the center of conversation... we only talk about what I talk about.

 


I want more and want to share more
Counselor: psychlady, Counselor replied 6 years ago
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Customer reply replied 6 years ago

I know this person is in a serious relationship, if that matters. I'm not expecting anything "serious" but I would like to move beyond the same topics, or at least my life, my experiences, my comments being what we talk about 90% of the time.

 


I've tried like asking about certain rock bands, rock stars but, again, it's always me that starts the conversation, will almost always. Yes, I've asked point blank "is there anything, anything you want to know about me or know more about me than you don't know"?

 


The reply I got was complete silence and a stunned look. I think you asked me about some old pictures I took. But, I told them that that really didn't count. I said something real about me, but nothing.

 


Maybe this person just is not interested in me besides my ability and tendency to make them laugh. I guess I'm quite funny, but not a complete joker 24 seven.

 

I know this person cares and expressed it a few times verbally and through e-mail. I just don't get why they won't talk about themselves, start conversations beyond the superficial and rely completely or almost completely on me to say something.


Could it be immaturity, lack of interest or just that they see me as fitting a certain need, making them laugh, and beyond that they do not take me seriously, as a person, as a friend or someone that matters to them and their lives.

I cannot think that they don't take me seriously which may just be the cause. If this is the case, how do I change things and make them understand that I am a whole person?

Counselor: psychlady, Counselor replied 6 years ago
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Customer reply replied 6 years ago

How specific do you suggest? I done that with movies, music, food and have done little response of most of my questions. With one exception, there's been no follow-up. Like, after I asked this person about movies, they asked me about my favorite. Every other example or attempt has been met with them answering and then nothing.

 


Should I ask them if they take me seriously, point blank? Or, that I want to know more about them or whatever? I don't want to corner them. But, every time we meet it's more or less the same conversation, jokes and so forth. This person, ironically, I consider one of my best friends, as pathetic as that sounds. It's just to meet them take some effort in traveling and time.

 


This person has said that they will ask and have asked questions about me when they have wanted to know more. This is true. But it's always derivative questions about something I said or topics I've talked about.

 


Or, should I ask this person how they see me, why they like me, what they like about me etc. etc.? This may be too much and I don't want to scare this person away. After all, a superficial friend is still a friend
Counselor: psychlady, Counselor replied 6 years ago
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Customer reply replied 6 years ago

Well, I've done that with movies and nothing came of it afterwards. It's almost as if you ask them questions X and the answer question X and end of conversation.

 


One time, I was deliberately quiet or quieter than normal and they noticed and asked me again and again was something wrong. I replied to the effect that I thought I was talking too much when speaking with people... just talking to talk. And, thought I would try to be a little quieter for a while, to see how it goes. They objected and said that I was fine. Still, I was quiet when we were together. They were aggravated and told me. They would say, who told to this". I replied no one. So, not talking did upset them but they still did not talk, even when I suggested they say something during this time... anything, they just stared out the window or at me and looked disgusted.

 

Having nothing at all to talk about or even to ask me made me feel pretty bad. Maybe this person is pretty superficial after all, despite their intelligence. They have opinions but, like I said, don't voice them unless prodded. It was like the military "need to know basis"

Counselor: psychlady, Counselor replied 6 years ago
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Customer reply replied 6 years ago
Actually, your response rang a bell. She did mention that she kind of response to stuff but doesn't really initiate conversations. But, how do I get to know them better, if that's the case? Every time you meet, it would be like like the Inquisition... tell me what you're thinking, wouldn't it?
Counselor: psychlady, Counselor replied 6 years ago
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Customer reply replied 6 years ago

It's just so weird. This person is quite affectionate and always willing to help others in need. But, never is one to express or say hello to strangers on the street or at the park. Hi, on the other hand most always do this and get on them for not being more sociable. One would think this behavior from a more stoic and unfeeling person.

 


I mean, I think this person is living with someone after knowing them about a year. What happened there? Maybe, this person doesn't want to share themselves with anyone else but their significant other... do you think?

 


I think they're talking about marriage, knowing each other a little more than we have known each other. I don't know, something strange. Maybe it's that they share from the same country, ethnicity... I believe Russia.


Patience? It's been almost 2 years!

 


Would you suggest a plan of myself being more quiet, almost forcing this person to talk? Or, asking them superficial or just silly questions to get something going?
Counselor: psychlady, Counselor replied 6 years ago
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Customer reply replied 6 years ago

I want to ask you another question that involves this same issue.

 


I thought I might try withdrawing from them in little bit. I believe they like to hang around with me and like me. Actually, I'm flattered and much appreciative. But, if too much time passes between the meet up they do get quite concerned and flustered. It happened once before through no fault of my own and it was quite emotional.

I'm not trying to be mean and do not think I am some special person. But, I thought this may be a way for them to express themselves more, to want to know more about me, for me to know more about them and show their concern over our relationship... I don't know.

Counselor: psychlady, Counselor replied 6 years ago
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