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Ask Eleanor
Ask Eleanor, Therapist
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 1517
Experience:  Marriage & Family Therapist with 20 Years Experience
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I had an affair, i know its wrong and actually we both decided

Customer Question

I had an affair, i know its wrong and actually we both decided that we will just stay friends but will continue to communicate.

Recently he has stop replying to my text messages, when I asked him he did replied once and said that he was not always on the phone.

overall what I am feeling right now is that he just played on me. You may find strange but I do not want him to live his family but since I deeply love him. If only he cares for me and not just used me, even its wrong and borrowed I will be okay, I will still cherish it.
Submitted: 6 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  Ask Eleanor replied 6 years ago.
Hello, I am here for you and am very sorry to hear you are having such a hard time. It will help me give you my best advice if I have a bit more information. How long did the affair last and when did it end? How did you meet this man? How old are you both? Are you single, divorced, married?
Customer: replied 6 years ago.
a year, i am single he is married I am 32 and he is 36. there is no clear closure. For the past year what we always do is try to stop the relationship we will say that we will remain friends but then again he will contact me. I will be honest each time we meet we have sex, I love him so much I have a feeling before that if I will not say yes to him he will not contact me anymore. Although he said that he cares and sometimes I do feel it. And I know him he is not a bad person, he sometimes initiated to stop the relationship and so on and son until last week we said we stay friends I asked him if he does not want me to text or communicate anymore he said that friends do not make rules like that. I want to continue to communicate and establish a real friendship because I do not want to lose him entirely. I never asked him to leave his wife even I know that they are in a bad situation, believe me I have all the chance to destroy the marriage but I am nit like that he even tell me about his problems with his wife and no matter how hard I tried to give him an advice that is constructive to their relationship. It started last week when he stop replying to my text he said that he is not always on the phone, i know he is the busy man but i also know that he is ignoring me this time... now its hard for me to move on, i feel that he cares for me but my mind said that he just played on me because of his action even before.... its really hard to explain everything in details but give me questions and I will answer it...
Customer: replied 6 years ago.
I have also tried to our friendship pure by asking him why we cant we meet as friends and why it seems that he only contact me when he needs sex. You may say I am stupid but something about our relationship makes me feel that he cares but then again not....
Expert:  Ask Eleanor replied 6 years ago.
Thank you for your detailed response, and , no, I don't think you are stupid, dear. Does he have children?
Customer: replied 6 years ago.
yes he have....2
Expert:  Ask Eleanor replied 6 years ago.
I doubt if he has played you. I would imagine that he is confused regarding whether or not to stay in the marriage and keep his family together or leave so that he can be with you, even though you have not asked him to do so. As long as he has the best of both worlds, he does not have to make a decision. Lovers cannot be "just friends." I strongly suggest that you find a therapist who can help you through this difficult time. I believe you need to back off and stop meeting him for sex. Then he will have to make a decision, his family or you. You deserve someone who will be totally committed to building a healthy intimate relationship with you. That does not happen being someone's mistress. Don't you agree that you deserve more, dear?
Customer: replied 6 years ago.
i do not have plan on meeting him to have sex. I already told that to myself. Why you think he has not played me?
Expert:  Ask Eleanor replied 6 years ago.
Well, we are not usually that intentional about our relationships. You may feel like he has played you and he certainly may have, but he probably did no set out to do so. Only you can really discern what happened and to do this you will need distance from him and to be in therapy. Would you like me to find a therapist for you? If so tell me where you live.
Ask Eleanor and other Relationship Specialists are ready to help you
Customer: replied 6 years ago.
in fulham thank you....
Expert:  Ask Eleanor replied 6 years ago.
What state, dear?
Customer: replied 6 years ago.
fulham london...
Customer: replied 6 years ago.
Eleanor can you answer one question for me? I been think next time we bump to each other which is very possible as we live in the same area... Don't you think it will offend him if I ask him directly if he cares for me or just played me? If I am wrong I might hurt him which I do not want but if I am right I want him to know that everything I have done for him is because i love him and that he hurt me so much.... I've been thinking of this, I have a feeling that this will make things easier for me that he knows everything. But I do not want to hurt him...

I just need answers from him.

Do you think that action is right?
Expert:  Ask Eleanor replied 6 years ago.
Sorry, didn't realize you are in the UK. I have to leave the site for therapy appts. in the early afternoon. I will get back with some names for you after 3pm US East Coast time-- about 3 hours.
Expert:  Ask Eleanor replied 6 years ago.




Any of the above would be a good choice for you, dear. All are in Fulham except the first who is in Chelsea.


I understand your wanting to confront him, but I suggest that you begin by writing down what you want to say and waiting to discuss it with your therapist before proceeding.


Thank you for your accept. It been my pleasure to help. I wish you healing, take care, Eleanor

Expert:  Ask Eleanor replied 6 years ago.
PS: As you have accepted, you may return to this Q&A for reference at any time.
Customer: replied 6 years ago.
Thank you Eleanor for your help....
Expert:  Ask Eleanor replied 6 years ago.
You are very welcome, take care, Eleanor