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When a relationship is extremely stressed and one partner is

making statements which can continue...
When a relationship is extremely stressed and one partner is making statements which can continue disharmony, what can be said to change their direction and get them on the path of harmony?
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Answered in 12 minutes by:
10/6/2011
Rev.Dr. August Abbott
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 7,633
Experience: Ordained minister: Counselor (spiritual/life)
Verified
-- What it seems like you're asking here, simplified, is that John is under a lot of stress and provoking his partner, Mary, to add to that stress with some unkind or accusatory statements he's probably saying without thinking.

-- Mary wants to make John see the error of his ways and be nice so that the two of them can work together toward the same goal (peace, harmony and success). Yes?

What's the main stressor ? What are the circumstances of 'John's' unkind remarks?
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Customer reply replied 6 years ago

Yes you are correct. He feels as if I have lied about something. I once made a statement that I didn't like a social networking site. But I had told him (apparently he has forgotten) that I did have an account on the site because my underaged daughter has an account (which her father allowed) and I use it to monitor her activity as well as receive announcements regarding some of our church activities (I live in another state and don't get to hear the announcements). Other than that, I don't use the site. I did remind him that my use of the site is like his use of email. He doesn't like it, but at times has to use it.

 

-- And after you explained this, he refused to believe you? I can't help but wonder what else is going on. Is there a reason he's distrustful?
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Customer reply replied 6 years ago
I don't know if he believed or dis-believed. We are communicating via email currently. This is what else is going on...several weeks ago, I saw a text message and stupidly made a off-hand remark about it to someone - who in return told him. A few days prior to that he had asked me if I trusted him, to which I replied yes. He also asked me if I was looking over his shoulder at his text messages - and I answered no. Keep in mind the question as to was I looking over his shoulder was several days prior to me seeing a message. And I really wasn't trying to look - it just happened. A few days prior to that we were talking about getting married. This is a 5+ year relationship. He feels as if 1) I don't trust him and 2) that I lied.
- I'm sorry for the delays, but I'm not getting notified of your responses like I should (it's probably a server issue)

First, you're not stupid. You are entitled to make a comment to someone you trust and now you know to think twice before being so open with that person.

With regard to trust and looking over shoulders, here's the thing: It shouldn't matter to either of you if the other one is 'looking over a shoulder', no matter what, no matter when. Of course there's always the "principle of the thing", but as we get older that's less and less important. What matters is living life as an open book. Nothing to hide. And with this kind of lifestyle comes tremendous responsibility and incredible freedom.

Responsibility to live 'right' and honest. To actually have nothing to hide. If "John" wants to know what you're doing online, give him your password XXXXX tell him to look whenever he wants. In turn, he should be equally willing to do the same.

When the secrecy is gone, generally 'suspicion' and doubt disappear as well. Soon you'll find that neither of you really have the time or desire to worry about what each other are doing online or with who.

Have a quiet, sit-down with him and tell him that this is both too small of a thing to be giving this much power to and you have concerns about what the deeper issues are since surely this can't be "it".

Give him your online account info and password XXXXX invite him to put his mind at ease anytime he wants to with regard to your social site account.

Then reassure him that your looking at his happened much later than he believes and it's up to him to either trust you or not. If his choice is to "not" trust you, then it's time to re-evaluate the foundation on which this relationship is built.

If not on a 'rock' (trust, unconditional love, faith) then it's merely a sand castle and it looks like the tide is coming in.

You have to make a decision for yourself, you know?

Again, you are far from 'stupid' and you must not blame yourself for someone else's faux pas (blabbering), nor should you carry the full responsibility of making this relationship harmonious.

Rev.Dr. August Abbott
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 7,633
Experience: Ordained minister: Counselor (spiritual/life)
Verified
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Customer reply replied 6 years ago

Thank you. In reading your response I find that those are the words I have been looking to say to him. Again, thank you.

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Rev.Dr. August Abbott
Rev.Dr. August Abbott
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