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psychlady, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 6893
Experience:  I have over 16 years experience in treating adults presenting with a variety of relationship issues
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My boyfriend and I have been dating for a year.

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My boyfriend and I have been dating for a year. We have lived together for past 5 months. A bit rocky lately. He wants re-marriage. (divorced) I am single, never married. Past 2 months have been rocky. I called it 'off' twice and I moved out on last fight. We are back dating to see what will be. He asked for stay together and not date others to work on this relationship. Giving it "one week or 2 or a month and then he will date again". We met online and I believe he will go back to it. The first fight when i called it off, he went to online dating site the very next day! Sent emails to women, etc. I was greatly dismayed he thought so little of me. He just said "Well, you ended it and I want to be married again." We reconciled a week later and when I found out about him on dating site for one week, he deleted his profile. Don't know if he really would have deleted it had I not found the site on his computer. (?!) (We reconciled same day I found his username.)  We have reconciled and a few minor fights but I've noticed him online more frequently. He has told me to 'go ahead and sleep' when we wake in morning and he goes to his computer alone. In addition, I've seen dating site on his computer from afar. Did not confirm this by walking to him. He also has been more focused on his appearance, grooming and losing weight. I am concerned that he may be dating or planning to do so soon. Ugh. I told him my concerns. He denied it. Said he was focused on us. But I see it differently. He is distracted by a new online love interest, I believe. I asked him to prove there is no other by showing my his yahoo email inbox (not giving me password) but to view his mail 'inbox'. He said "No way." So I am suspicious. How do I approach him on my concern that he is back online and communicating with other women?? (If he has a online dating profile, I believe it is hidden as that was when we met.) He is still loving towards me but I feel the distraction and it is hurtful since I am focusing 100% on us.
Submitted: 6 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  psychlady replied 6 years ago.

You have to find out if your suspicions are true before you assume too much. I would be suspicious if he is doing these things but you have to find out the truth. You have to find out what he is doing before considering it as a distraction. You can't have this relationship continue with no trust. If this takes a couples counselor then so be it. If you think he is online there comes a point where you have to consider that it isn't working. If you think you can resolve this by discussion, counseling and compromise then you should do that. I would monitor the relationship as you have and consider ways to build trust. See if you can foster communication by approaching him when you feel insecure. Then make your decision.


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Customer: replied 6 years ago.
How do I go about 'building trust'? Thank you.
Expert:  psychlady replied 6 years ago.
First you have to make your expectations known and ask him to support healthy boundaries in this relationship. If that means that he avoid activities that suggests he is doing something inappropriate then that would be beneficial. As you learn to trust him one step at a time the relationship will benefit. That also means that you both should communicate positively regarding any issues that are causing you uncertainly. Communication is number one. Insecurities can be addressed regularly with communication. If you are struggling, couples counseling would be beneficial even for a short time. Sometimes communication can be taught and this can improve relationships.
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