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Ask Rev.Dr. August Abbott Your Own Question
Rev.Dr. August Abbott
Rev.Dr. August Abbott, Clergy
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 7608
Experience:  Ordained minister: Counselor (spiritual/life)
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Stay in or get out

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Stay in or get out? I am really struggling as to whether I should stay in a relationship or get out. I have been with this woman for over a year. We are now doing a dialogue back & forth. Our time together consists of numerous arguments, verbal abuse, physical abuse. She is the one who has gotten physical with me (scratching, biting, hitting - she has left numerous marks & bruises on me). I am not a physical person, but on occasion have pushed back & pushed her to the ground once & kicked her in the side, alcohol was involved & where the police had to get involved (no charges filed). She is in counseling now & says this will never happen again. She says she fell in love with me the first time she met me. I am in love with her. We have excellent chemistry & have a great sex life. I am recently divorced (my ex cheated on me - after 20 years of marriage). She is divorced (her ex - cheated on her & then she cheated on him - after 20+ years of marriage). I am in counseling for abandonment issues & relationship issues. I am insecure, controlling & obsessive with my GF. She was a cheerleader, popular, been in numerous relationships & is very outgoing. I was a loner, have had few relationships & although I am in sales - I don't have a need for a lot of social interaction. She has a very flirtatious personality. Just recently flirted with an ex boyfriend for 4-5 hours in front of me - when I got upset & yelled at her at the bar - she ditched me (to keep from hitting me she said) - and then called her ex boyfriend (said she was afraid I would get physical with him & wanted to do damage control). But, she didn't call me or text me...just left me. We had officially broke up a week and 1/2 ago. I am on some dating sites & was ready to move on...she suggested that we meet & try to work things out (after she new I had made two dates for that weekend). So I cancelled my dates, but we are still struggling. I want us to work. I am very confused and am in a lot of pain. When I am with her the pain goes away. We are both working on our issues & are trying to stay together...I guess my question is...are all relationships this hard? - Do we just have too much baggage at this point to ever have a normal relationship (we can't even be friends on facebook - I de-friended her twice & now she is afraid to be my friend again b/c of the hurt I caused her by de-friending her). I am sooo CONFUSED...please give me some kind of feedback. I need an outsiders opinion. My friends and family say we are not good for each other. We are both good people just not meant to be together...hard for me to hear b/c I want us to work & so does she (I think anyway)...she has never left me & has always stood beside me. We are a mess...Please advise.
-- I suspect that she might have knowingly sabotaged your 'dates' with new ladies. While it may indicate she cares that much, sometimes it's just a natural human reaction. We might not want someone in our life, but we don't want to believe we are so easily replaced when they move on.

Give it one more chance and yes, 'couples counseling' is the best way to go. In counseling together like this you have a mediator who 'translates' for you. Who helps you understand what each other are expecting and hoping for.

A good counselor will also teach you how to use the tools at hand to best communicate and ideally react to negative input. You'll both be taught how to deliver a criticism without it being hurtful and thus harmful to the partnership. You'll be taught how to accept a criticism as a building block to a stronger relationship.

You two cannot do this on your own.

Even if the counselor ends up suggesting the relationship might not be strong enough to continue, you'll have the knowledge that you did everything right and the peace of mind that in the future you'll always have these communication skills

--- Good luck
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