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My boyfriend and I have been together for just under 3 years.

I am turning 29 and...
My boyfriend and I have been together for just under 3 years. I am turning 29 and he is turning 39 this month. Things started out passionate and he told me he loved me after dating for 3 months. I felt over time he was becoming more distant and less excited to spend time with me. He has a really busy work schedule and blames it on that, but I feel like he could make time for me if he wanted. Every now and then he would do and say things that made me feel like he pictured being with me for the long run, but then i wouldn't hear from him for a long period of time and would have a hard tome getting him to make plans. He has met my family, we have gone on vacations together, weddings, etc. I recently moved out of my parents place and got my own apartment. I asked him if he saw us moving in together one day and he said yes, but when the time was right. I kept defending our relationship to my parents and friends that there was no reason for us to rush into things, but worried deep down that something was wrong.

Over the past two weeks he got really distant, so I finally asked him what was wrong. He finally admitted that he's been doing a lot of thinking and feels like we have been together for a long time and doesn't know why he's not ready for the next step in our relationship. He's not sure if he's stressed out from work or money and it's intensifying things, but he knows that he's not being fair to me and not treating me like I should be treated. He said he's not sure what to do because he loves me and thinks I'm perfect and that I haven`t done anything wrong, but isn't sure if the issue is him or us or if he just needs more time. He said that he doesn't want to be single and isn't interested in anyone else. He said he doesn't want to make a hasty decisions by breaking up for fear of making a huge mistake, but also wants to be fair to me. He also said he didn't know if the answer was to take a break and that if it was meant to be, it would happen? So now we are in limbo and I have no idea what to do. Do i give him space to figure out what he want? Do I try to fight for the relationship? I love him so much and think that there are so many good things about us as a couple, I just wish he would feel the way about me that he did when we first started dating. I'm not sure if time and space will heal things, or if this is just the beginning of the end.
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10/4/2011
psychlady
psychlady, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 6,893
Experience: I have over 16 years experience in treating adults presenting with a variety of relationship issues
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It sounds like he really is struggling. Some people use the break as an excuse but it doesn't sound like he is just making this up. The problem is that the next step is what the next step is and he doesn't know why he can't take it. He is the only one that knows what he is thinking and you are subject to what his decisions are. You want an answer where there isn't one right now. He is figuring this out and nothing has changed. He has to do this alone. It sounds like he is keeping you in his mind and that he is struggling with whatever is causing this problem. You don't want to move on so you have to decide what is a reasonable time frame for you waiting. If you leave it up to him then you have to wait on him. The relationship isn't going to be passionate like an early relationship. No one has that. You want where this is going. Don't look back. You have to decide with him where this is going. He may offer a compromise. It won't be marriage tomorrow but a compromise. Work on that with him but you have to be as patient as he needs you to be. Keep in touch and ask him when you can talk. There is no other way

 

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psychlady
psychlady, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 6,893
Experience: I have over 16 years experience in treating adults presenting with a variety of relationship issues
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Customer reply replied 6 years ago
Thank you so much for your quick reponse, I really appeciate it. Reading your response made me break down a bit because everything you have said sounds exactly like what I am thinking. I'm struggling with giving him the space he needs but not knowing how long is too long to wait to get a decision from him. I'm worried that if I push that I will just push him further away. I'm also terrified that the decision will be that he thinks we aren't meant to be. Do you suggest that I just tell him to contact me whenever he is ready? Or should I flat out ask him when? I'm really stuck between pushing him away and being a pushover but I really think it's worth it to fight for this relationship and want him to know that.
Customer reply replied 6 years ago
As in; should I literally say "I'm going try to be as patient as you need, and I just want you know that I think this relationship is worth fighitng for and I'm willing to do what it takes. Let me know when you would like to talk" or is that too intense and coming on to strong? Do I just demostrate being patient by actually being patient and just ask him when he would like to talk and leave it at that until he lets me know? I feel like everything is so fragile and I am worried that this weekend alone I have bugged him too many times to talk and he is pulling away.
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Customer reply replied 6 years ago
Thanks so much for your help. I will try to be as patient as I can until we can figure out a solution, whatever that may be. My first relationship lasted for 9 years and was very up and down and always his decision to take time apart when I wanted to work things out. It left me feeling really pathetic that I let it go on for so many years and sought councelling afterwards. I finally found someone that has everything I want and that is kind and mature and everything that my previous relationship wasn't, so it's just so hard to think that he may walk away from this too. Both have said that I deserve to be treated better than they are treating me but it's hard to understand why this is happening. Why two relationshups would say that I am everything that they want but that they are messed up and may want to walk away. When I love someone, I don't take it lightly and will do whatever it takes to make it work, maybe to a fault.
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psychlady
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Category: Relationship
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