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I am divorced and my ladyfriend is also. We have been dating

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I am divorced and my...
I am divorced and my ladyfriend is also. We have been dating for fourteen months and our relationship has grown more serious in the past few months. We both agreed we had some big breakthroughs. She stayed at my house with my kids (which she adores...has kids also) and she suddenly has become extremely critical of my cleanliness of my house, questions my financial ambitions etc. This came after we attended a wonderful family wedding where everyone (including her) seemed to have an awesome time. She now has suggested that we aren't meant for one another. How do I respond?
Submitted: 6 years ago.Category: Relationship
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Answered in 3 hours by:
10/3/2011
Counselor: psychlady, Counselor replied 6 years ago
psychlady
psychlady, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 6,893
Experience: I have over 16 years experience in treating adults presenting with a variety of relationship issues
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You really have to explore what has made this change. Did the wedding trigger some old fears or concerns that she has from her past. This seems very sudden and sometimes people react differently to being faced with marriage or divorce. She is the only one that can identify what was the trigger. Being defensive does not allow for that discussion to happen. If she has fears that your relationship will become like her last then you have to both find a calm atmosphere and talk about that. She has these fears and she has to share them with you to find a solution. Just talking helps one to hear what those fears sound like and then learn that they are irrational. If you want her to meet you halfway you have to have discussions that promote that. Tell her you are ready to talk and realize that it has to be settled between you. You can't change her but you can get her to feel that you are genuine in resolving this.

 

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Customer reply replied 6 years ago
she runs a very "tight" ship in her house in her parenting style and her cleanliness. She has now become very critical of my approach which is more laid back. We both have good relationships with our kids. Now she seems "stuck" on this issue. I told her that I am willing to meet her half way. I have some experience in relationships and consider myself to be a pretty attentive person and willing to make the effort. She seems flooded by these strong feelings.
Counselor: psychlady, Counselor replied 6 years ago
It may take some time for her to decide why she is having these feelings. You may have to be patient. You can't talk about anything someone is not willing to. You have offered compromise. You can't do more than that. You don't have to compromise on certain things. Your parenting is particular to you and since they aren't her children you don't have to compromise. Ask her how you can help to meet her expectations but you have a say too. I would ask for these suggestions as a way to have an open discussion
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Customer reply replied 6 years ago
I do see room for improvement with my parenting style and cleaning. I do feel that these are her feelings for her to work out. I feel like I need to temporarily pull back a bit. I know I don't want to have to be in a relationship where I have to "convince" a woman that I am a valid partner. That is my fear as I was married to someone like that...need to make changes but it is a two-way street.
Counselor: psychlady, Counselor replied 6 years ago
I totally agree. If you have to win her over now it just isn't worth it. You should be seen for your value and the positives you bring to a relationship. You shouldn't have to convince someone of that. I think it is a lot to swallow already. Find someone who likes you for you.
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Category: Relationship
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Experience: I have over 16 years experience in treating adults presenting with a variety of relationship issues
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