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psychlady, Counselor
Category: Relationship
Satisfied Customers: 6893
Experience:  I have over 16 years experience in treating adults presenting with a variety of relationship issues
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Just over a year ago I asked my live in boyfriend of 5 plus

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Just over a year ago I asked my live in boyfriend of 5 plus years to leave for the night after an argument and a difficult few months. He didn't move back in saying he had to follow the path he was now on. We kept in touch, he continued to see my son and sent me mixed messages about us ie he still loved me, missed me, thought living with me was the best 5 years of his life and could never be matched. After 3 months of the split I started seeing someone else (because I felt my ex was just playing with my emotions) which was what I now realize a rebound relationship. A couple of months later he started seeing the woman who was part of the problem during our split as rumors were rife at his work about them having an affair (he had tried to speak to me before seeing her about a reconciliation but I was still too hurt over the split and not willing to let him into my emotional world at that time especially as I was then seeing somebody else) . I don't believe my ex and this woman did have an affair while we were still together but I do think they became emotionally close as my ex and I were going through a difficult patch and her husband committed suicide at the time. Her husband left a suicide note stating he thought his wife was having an affair and naming my ex as the one she was having an affair with (her husband had a history of depression and she a history of affairs). My ex and his new girlfriend are in the process of moving in together and my ex tells me she is helping him get over me and then told me that the reason we split was due to me outbursting (this was after I reacted badly to his news of them moving in together). I'm not a person who goes through life arguing (but did in the end with him because communication between us just ended up breaking down)and I feel that he has said things to provoke me over the year to justify not trying to work things out with me (and I admit I have not been much better at times and have said things in response to hurt). I know there are still feelings for me and we are both still attracted to each other which was proven 6 months ago when he was 3 months into seeing his new girlfriend. I feel his relationship is a rebound as well but I think he has to follow it through and I am respecting that and stepping back. We have not text each other now for 3 weeks nor seen or spoken to each other for a month and a half due to him not seeing my son (which I ended up stopping as I couldn't take his mixed messages any more). My son is supportive about not seeing him but is beginning to miss him and I will not stand in the way of their relationship even though he is not my ex's son. When my ex started seeing his new girlfriend he told me he was seeing her because she was a similar age to me, a strong person etc like me. When he went to ask me why I was challenging him over moving in with his girlfriend, because a couple of months earlier I had spoken to him about the possibility of me living with my rebound relationship, I did not give him chance to speak before I hung up as i was hurting and in shock. I'm so confused over my ex and what future there may or may not be with him. I am moving on with my life and it is going from strength to strength in relation to my children, career etc but I still can't quite put the relationship with my ex to bed because I have never been in love with anybody like I was with him and I think he felt the same, and I really feel there is still unfinished business with him. I have tried to talk to him about things but he has not wanted to and when things have got too close for comfort for him he just tells me he has to follow the path he is following despite him taking 4 hours to leave the night I asked him to and him asking for a trial separation the following morning instead of a full on split which is all I offered him at the time. How do I handle the situation between him and me? Do you think I will hear from him about anything other than the finalities of settling our house finances and if so how should I act around him? What if anything do you think our future holds?
Submitted: 5 years ago.
Category: Relationship
Expert:  psychlady replied 5 years ago.

I don't know what the future holds as no one can say that. But I can say that he has made his wishes known and that means with girlfriend. It doesn't matter why they are together just that they are. It doesn't matter if she is like you because in the end she isn't you. I would be fearful that he is saying certain things to try to have this transition go less painfully and see his son. If you forget all the talk about why he is with her you will be left with one thought - he is with her and probably staying. He has said at least twice that this is the "path" he has chosen to take. That is all you need to know because I doubt he is going to offer clarity. Put a period and try to rebuild your life. You don't know that you won't love someone more. As much as you want him this path is obviously widening. You have to let it go and find someone totally committed to you and your son. The longer you spend analyzing everything and thinking about their relationship that is time that could be spent meeting someone else. You have to let this go. The only relationship he should have is with his son. There is just too much damage done. Sometimes relationships end before the feelings do. This is one of those cases. When he sees his son remove yourself from the details of this relationship. If he offers them avoid the temptation of listening. At this point even an affair doesn't matter. They are together and he has chosen his path. Dont find yourself waiting while he sees if it works with her. You should never wait on the side lines while someone else causes confusion.


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